Blackhumouristpress's Blog

November 29, 2009

Internet Dating

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 9:25 am
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Jack, and if you can believe this, Jill, met via online dating. For Jack, he grew tired of going out to clubs with his friends just to stand and watch others dancing and meeting at night clubs. For Jill, she had heard from a few girlfriends that for all the hoards of frogs that there are out there, a few princes do exist. Two of her girlfriends found compatible mates and married and so for Jill, she felt that there was hope for her.
As far as curves and scales go, both Jack and Jill were moderately attractive. Jack started working out a few years back when his father had quadruple bi-pass surgery. In the recovery room, Jack’s father had tubes sticking out of his chest and a breathing device strapped to his face. The idea that he one day could end up like his father in a hospital, drove Jack to begin to begin physical exercise around the age of thirty. Jack was thirty five on the first date with Jill. Aside from being fit, Jack wore horned rim glasses and wore his hair on weekends to look like rats ran about on top of his head. Hair went every which way and stayed that way with the help of mousse. Jack looked at the models in his Men’s Health Magazine and decided that if he was going to land the woman of his dreams, he had better get more hip with the look. Jack showed up in a collared shirt untucked with a black vest, worn looking jeans that were frayed at the bottom and a pair of black shoes. The Men’s Health Magazine told him to wear cologne with Pheromones so that subliminally his date would be more prone to want him sexually. Something about neurotransmitters something something. Men don’t remember the details as much as they remember that the pheromones can trigger sexual excitement.
Jill had posted a really attractive picture of herself with her ex-boyfriend who was really her fiancé but since there was never really a true date picked, he was more of an uncommitted boyfriend. The picture was from New Year’s Eve 2001. Jill had a great smile in the picture; she was trim and showed maximum cleavage in her silvery sparkling dress. All that remained in the picture that would lead anyone to think that she was with someone was the hand that rested on her shoulder without a body on the other side of it. Yes the picture was of Jill and yes it was from nine years earlier, but she really did not think she had aged that much or gained that much weight and her smile created the best picture of herself that she could ever remember taking. Jill dressed in a summer dress that went a few inches above her knee and showed off her toned legs and arms. Jill had been running along the banks of Lake Michigan and had a healthy look to her. Jill was confident albeit nervous to be meeting yet another man at a restaurant in downtown Chicago in hopes of finding someone that would be compatible enough to lock in with or at least want to see again. On paper and in the brief conversations, Jack seemed like a regular guy and so she agreed to meet Jack for dinner.
Jill sat at the bar of the Spanish Restaurant and ordered Sangria while she pretended to look at a message on her cell phone, fully aware that Jack had exited a cab out in front of the restaurant and was walking towards her.
“Oh hi! You must be Jack…”
They both wondered what they should do next. Would it be too cold and distant to extend a hand or should we hug? Jack was going to extend his hand when Jill reached out and hugged him. Jack nervously hugged and patted Jill on the back the way Gorbachev hugged Reagan at one of their summit meetings, with slaps on the back.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I decided to take a cab and the cabbie took the scenic route here and well anyway… That is shall we say, my bad…” said Jack.
“Um… That’s fine, that’s fine. Things happen, you know… Should we tell them we’re here?”
A perky young woman led the way past tables and tables of other couples who were dining out on a warm summer evening. Jack couldn’t help but look at the ass of the hostess. It was very tight looking and symmetrical and it appeared as though she was wearing no underwear. To Jack and many other men, there is the allure of no underwear. The hostess walked away. Out of sight, out of mind.
Jill smiled nervously to show a cute dimple on one cheek. Jack had not noticed that Jill had a clef chin in her photos. It was a little too Kirk Douglas for him. It was a demerit to be certain but not a deal killer yet. Jack did notice her ass too and her plump looking chest that showed just enough cleavage but not too much so that other woman nearby would comment to their dates.
“I love Spanish food. Tapas is totally my favorite right now. I was sort of on a sushi kick for a while and then Dr. Oz killed it by showing everyone the microbes that live on tuna and so I’m like done with sushi right now. I so want to go to Spain someday. I bet the Tapas there is unreal,” said Jill, while holding the sides of her chair, bouncing her left leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Oh yeah… I love good Tapas. I was in Spain a few years back and it was, shall we say, quite awesome,” said Jack, while looking around the room rather than at Jill.
Jill took notice of the lack of eye contact and the furrowed brow. Jack had a permanent look of worry on his face due to his furrowed brow. It made him look rather unapproachable to most women. So far Jill thought Jack was acting like a pompous asshole but she wasn’t ready to trade him in yet. Just then Jack was getting a phone call. He held his index finger up and answered his client. Jack was an attorney and his client was the father of an eighteen year old who had been busted for open alcohol and marijuana in his car.
“Yes Mr. Anderson, I got your message and had every intention of calling you back. I’m currently at dinner with a friend and am not at liberty to discuss the case with you. You have, shall we say, my word that I will call you first thing in the morning. We’ll pow wow before court and I’m sure I can get him supervision. At some point though, throwing money at problems is not going to save him, shall we say… Okay, okay then… I’ll call you tomorrow morning… Right, right… Okay then… Yes, yes… Will do… Buh bye…” said Jack.
Jill dialled her sister Jenny and hung up. Jenny was instructed to take Jill’s call in the event of an encounter with a total freak. Jenny called back immediately. Jill did it to show Jack just how inconsiderate in was to take a call. Jack didn’t get the message. Instead he took the chance to check messages on his Blackberry. Jill saw this and hung up right away, telling her sister that she had pocket dialled her by mistake.
“Once again, I’m so sorry about the interruption. It’s a good friend of a friend whose son got himself into trouble with the law and is facing jail time for not complying with the judges orders,” said Jack.
“Right, right… You said you were an attorney,” said Jill.
“And you work for a realtor?” Asked Jack.
“Yes… I’m the personal assistant of this woman who is like one of the top sellers in Chicago. She gets most of her leads through the women’s club of the North Shore,” said Jill, still bouncing her leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Well that’s cool…” said Jack, even though he really did not think it was cool.
Jack told Jill about running a 5K in New England and about his Alaskan vacation and co-ed volleyball on Tuesday nights. Jack mentioned that he really loves to listen to Jazz and was a fan of Frank Lloyd Wright homes. Jill mentioned that she did spin classes and swam three days a week and that she really liked Maroon Five and Sugar Ray and that she had tickets to see Sugar Ray later that summer. Jack had never heard of Maroon Five or Sugar Ray. He said he had heard of Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Leonard. It was an attempt at a joke. Jill wasn’t familiar with the boxers and so the joke died.
Jill had been to Las Vegas and really wanted to go to Arizona but had never really been too many places. Jill was a Cubs fan and Jack said he really did not like baseball. Jack said he kind of liked football but really didn’t. Jack just did not want to come off like an irregular guy.
Jack and Jill finished a pitcher of sangria which was about three glasses each. Jill was quite buzzed and Jack felt mellow. The bill came and Jack had figured out that he had dropped is wallet. Suddenly the buzz and glow was gone. The realization that all his credit cards were gone just about ruined his night. Jill paid for the dinner even though she knew she was overdrawn on her debit card and would be getting a call from the bank Monday morning. Luckily it went through. Jill was scared that she may have reached the $1,000.00 overdraft limit. She had $22.00 before she reached $1000.00.
Jack and Jill went back to Jack’s apartment in a cab. The whole way to Jack’s house, Jack was too distracted to talk at all. Jack kept thinking about his accounts being cleaned out. Jill sat in the cab looking out the window on the right side with her arms folded. Jack ordered the cab to wait as he galloped up the steps to his townhouse. He emerged with a look of relief on his face as he held up his chunky looking wallet with over a dozen cards and wads of cash.
“God! What a relief! I though I left it in the cab I came over in and then I thought it may have fallen out of my back pocket… Here, I’ll take care of the cab…” said Jack.
Jill refused to take the $120.00 for the meal and drinks but Jack would not have it. They went back and forth for a while until Jill finally accepted. Jack then asked Jill if she would like a glass of red wine and to sit up on his roof deck. Jill said yes.
Up on the roof was a beautiful view of downtown Chicago and the near south side. Jill saw the hot tub and asked how often Jack used it. Jack offered the tub and Jill accepted. A gentle breeze blew across them as they sat in the hot tub, holding up their red wine in their glasses, listening to jazz on Jack’s Bose audio system and looking at the skyline. The more Jill drank, the more she liked Jack. Jack loosened up and became wittier and less pompous. Between them, they finished off a bottle of red wine and wound up kissing and embracing in the hot tub. Before long they were in Jack’s bed in the throes of passion. Jill closed her eyes while Jack orally stimulated her. Jack was spelling out the alphabet in cursive on her clitoris while Jill moaned a bit and pulled on his hair. Jack got as far as the letter L before Jill pulled him and guided him towards their consummate moment. Jack learned about the alphabet spelling on the clitoris from the Men’s Health Magazine too. They claimed he would not have to get to the letter Z and they were right.
Jill woke up feeling dehydrated and had a strong headache at the base of her skull by her neck. Jack was outside on the deck talking to another client in his underwear. The digital clock said nearly two in the morning. Jill suddenly felt silly lying in the bed of a man she did not really know or know if she would ever see again. What would they say to one another once Jack got done talking on his cell phone? Would he feel boxed in and really want Jill out of his house? Jill didn’t want that to be the case. Jill decided to make a pre-emptive move. Jill slipped on all her clothes and walked out of the front door. Jill caught a cab on South State Street and went home. As Jill lay in her bed next to her Calico Cat, she thought about the entire evening. She began to drift off when she received a text message from Jack.
“Wow! I must really have missed the mark tonight. I’m sorry you felt you had to leave.”
Jill wasn’t sure how to respond. She really wished she had not left after all after receiving his response. While she was thinking about what to say, another text from Jack came through.
“Okay… I’ll go out on a limb. I find you really attractive, smart and pretty. I did not lure you back to my cave in hopes of sinking you. I really did think I lost my wallet and since we were at my place, I thought we could just stay. I thought you had a good time and maybe you did. Maybe this is just what you do. A million first dates. Well hope you had a good time. Jack.”
Jill laid in bed smiling. In the battle of the sexes, she had won. Jill went from feeling like she had conceded too early to feeling like the winner in the driver’s seat. Jill began to type while gently biting her bottom lip.
“You passed the test. It all hinged on your response. You’re a prince and not a frog… How do you feel about a jog by the lake tomorrow and then some brunch?”
Jack responded quickly.
“I would like that more than I could tell you. Sleep tight. Until the morning. Jack.”

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