Blackhumouristpress's Blog

December 8, 2009

Like Bill and Tiger

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 6:38 am
Tags: , , , , ,

Monique de la Croix came from Haiti in 1986 with her son Elmer in tow. They braved the seas between Haiti and Florida and played a bizarre game on the shores of Miami where by if a refugee could touch dry land, they could stay. The coast guard would try to force the people from Haiti back to their make shift boats or put them on coast guard ships before they could touch dry land. Monique, with her son Elmer strapped to her back, ran as hard and as fast as she could through the crashing waves and fell face first onto dry land as she laughed and cried. It had been days since she ate or drank water and she had nothing but the clothes she was wearing and her two year old son with her.
Catholic charities placed Monique in Montreal since she spoke French and Creole exclusively. It was in Montreal that Monique met and married a white man who adopted Elmer and taught him to play the game of ice hockey.
Elmer grew to be a hair over six feet in height and a little over two hundred pounds. Elmer was lean, fast and quite capable as an ice hockey player. He went early in the NHL draft and wound up playing for Nashville. Nashville signed Elmer to a multiyear contract whereby he made millions at the age of 21. By age twenty two, Elmer had married Canadian figure skating Olympian Jeanette Devereux and lived comfortably in Nashville, Miami and Montreal. Everything was going great for Elmer until one crazy night.
Jeanette had been taking anti-depression drugs for a while and fluctuated between being unable to get out of bed and not being able to sleep for days. On manic days, Jeanette might stay out drinking all night with friends, have breakfast and come home to break things in the house and cry. One day Jeanette would send text messages that she wanted to die, other days she wanted Elmer to die quickly followed up with messages of I love you, when will you be home?
Being a black man in a white dominated sport and a superstar at that was a love hate sort of thing for the fans of Nashville. The good ole boys liked the speed and physical nature of the sport of ice hockey but had a difficult time at first with having their big star a black man with a strong French accent. They did like the finesse of Elmer and his willingness to fight when necessary.
After one particular home game around Thanksgiving in the states, Elmer had gone out with a few players to a steak house to eat. It was there that Elmer met Christy, a devil with face of an angel and a body of a goddess. Now Elmer had practiced really good self restraint throughout the duration of his marriage and opportunity for infidelity knocked almost nightly for Elmer. One particular Wednesday evening, Elmer became weak and succumbed to primal urges that could not easily be quelled. Often in these situations, the sports figure goes one way and the female goes the other and nothing is spoken of again until maybe the next time in town. Christy had fallen deeply and madly in love.
Christy grew up in rural Tennessee and left home at fourteen to find a job in Memphis. Christy lied about her age and was able to land a job as a waitress at a steak house in Memphis. At sixteen, Christy lived like a woman several years older than her and nobody knew or questioned the fact that Christy had not reached adulthood. Christy was built like a woman from head to toe. Christy had a certain Marilyn Monroe quality about her that irresistible to men. Christy had a thing for men who could speak French. Elmer was talking to Jeanette on the phone in French when Christy walked by.
« Jeanette! Ecoutez bien! Ce n’est pas possible maintenant. J’ai deux matches ce semaine. Nous jouons en Montreal en Janvier. J’ai trois jours apres Noel. Venez… Venez.. Tu est ma femme… Je t’aime, Jeanette… D’accord… Je vais telephoner demain apres le match… A bien tot. »
Christy stood and listened as Elmer spoke to his wife. After ending his call, Christy realized who Elmer was. Elmer’s value went up about 1000%.
“Bon jour miss-you… You’re that French hockey player that everyone is all crazy for right now, aren’t you?”
“Yes thaat ees me, madam… And who are you, if hi might axe?” Asked Elmer.
Christy finished work and the other players that Elmer was dining with, went home for the night. Elmer took Christy to a Jazz club where they had a few drinks and spoke to one another. Elmer learned that Christy was poor and her father died when she was eight and that her step father was a dirty pig who tried to sleep with her several times. Christy learned that Elmer was born in Haiti and had been a refugee and that he grew up in Canada, learned to play hockey well and became quite wealthy. Christ thought about how her whole life could easily change if she could just find a way to have Elmer fall head over heels for her. It wasn’t hard at all. Every time Elmer came back to town, he would pick up Christy and they would have wild passionate sex all night. Elmer liked her ivory colored skin and nearly platinum hair. He liked her extremely fit, young body and Christy was intrigued by being with a black man. Back in nowhere Tennessee, people all had strong negative opinions about black people that went back hundreds of years. Elmer was without much body fat and full of muscles. He had an interesting accent and smelled of cologne. His things were all neat and he drove a really nice car.
The Disneyland relationship between Elmer and Christy went on for quite some time and they were both content with the relationship. Christy kept the relationship quiet except for sharing with her own sister via the internet all that was transpiring between her and Elmer. Clara had no ill will towards her sister and trusted that her secret would remain such and it would have had she not forgotten to log off of the computer before leaving home one day. The girl’s mother read every sordid detail and got to thinking that she would contact Elmer about the affair. Every attempt at coming in contact with Elmer failed. Beulah, the mother of Christy and Clara, contacted a tabloid with the story with the promise of money. For a little more than $5,000.00, Beulah brought Elmer’s world crashing down.


It was like spilling blood into the ocean around sharks. It was a feeding frenzy for the press. Before and after games, in front of Elmer’s home, at restaurants and at stores, there was always a camera man or more to snap photos and ask all sorts of questions. After weeks of hounding, Elmer decided to hold a press conference. All eyes and ears were on Elmer. It was carried live on ESPN and CBC English and French. Here is how it went;
“Okay… I’m ready for the cirque d’Amerique. I have a statement for all of you today” Declared Elmer, while leaning the palms of his hands on a podium in front of hundreds of cameras and microphones.
“Thees may or may not come as a surprise to all of you but I am going to let you know a leetle beet aboat me… I haav trouble being on time and keeping appointments. I lose things easily and forget things even more. I don’t like to clean my ouse and I don’t like to cook. Sometimes I forget to flush after going to the bathroom and I rarely wash my hands… I am a husband, father and a son and nobody could dispute that I haav not been first rate on all of those hats that I wear aside from a hockey helmet. I fell in love weeth a young lady whom I waas not aware of er age. I waas lead to believe that she waas twenty one years of age. I professed my love for thees person but haav been faced with the reality thaat I ham already married. My marriage ees not whaat eet should be and I ham not happy een my marriage for reasons thaat are nobody’s business. You ave been giving a relentless account of all the tings thaat could be dug up on me. You ave all you need to know. Now you should know thaat I ham not a monster or a bad man. I ham not sorry for whaat I ave done and it ees no reflection on my job anymore than whaat any of you do in your private lives. I can tell you een case eet comes up that I ham not a pedophile, a homosexual, one who wears female undergarments or one who sticks tings in his own asshole or the asshole of others. I ave never add a ménage a trois or any other sort of deviant sexual behavior. I would be interested to know among all of you what eet ees that you do when you are not working. I would like to write about eet and take pictures of you while you go home, go to work, go to eat. I would like to pose asinine questions while you are holding your child’s hand. I would like to make stupid jokes on late night television and discuss it with Larry King what eet ees thaat you all do… You can make the argument thaat I ham rich and famous… I say to all of you, so fucking what. Anyone who ees without sin cast the first stone… Anyone without blood on ees ands, raise your and for us all to see. Presidents, preachers and sports figures are all under the microscope een thees country. You ave whaat you’ve all been looking for… Now let me say thees clearly once and for all… Go fuck yourselves to the best of your ability and leave me the fuck alone. There ees no story ear that you aven’t already erred before… Merci beaucoups… Au revoir…”
Elmer was given a few days off by the team and Elmer took them. Elmer went to an undisclosed location in Maui for a few days. While there Elmer decided to play Golf to get his mind off of circus that constantly followed him. It was on the eighth hole that Elmer received a phone call. This is what the famous man said to Elmer;
“Hey man… That was beautiful what you did at the press conference. I would have never thought of doing such a thing. You’ve blazed a trail for the rest of us. Next time I’m anywhere near you, we need to meet… Sure, sure… My wife has a pretty important cabinet job right now, but I’ll tell you what… One of these days our paths will cross and we got to set down and talk… You’re my type of man… I’ll let you go now but I just wanted to thank you more than anything. You’re my hero… God bless.”

Leave a Comment »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: