Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 26, 2010

From Nirvana to Chlamydia

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 8:13 am
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Frank had decided that for the New Year, he would get into the best shape of his adult life.  This meant less booze, fast food, doughnuts, soft drinks, sugar, useless carbohydrates and just about everything else one might come to find and expect in the American diet. 

            If Americans are in the running for the fattest people in the world, Detroit, Michigan is in the running for some of the fattest people in the United States which in part, puts them at damn near the bench mark for obesity in the world.

            Detroit in January is inhospitable.  Detroit in July is inhospitable too but more so in January and so Frank made a pact with himself whilst drinking himself silly on New Year’s Eve.  It was the Men’s Health magazine that his girlfriend got him a subscription to.  Frank started to shop at Wholefoods, exercise more and concentrate on his girlfriend’s sexual needs all due to his new found reading material.

            Frank was going to the fitness club on Woodward in Royal Oak once a week on weekends but now he vowed to go four times a week.  He would lift weights twice a week and try to run ten miles per week.  Heading towards February, Frank was doing great.  The only thing Frank dreaded was the heavily tattooed introvert that he had befriended a year or so back when he was only attending once a week.  Frank knew that Miles only came to the gym in the late afternoons and if he happened to see Miles, he felt obligated to talk to him for as long as Miles cared to talk to him.

            Frank was a thin young man with glasses and dark hair.  He looked like any man rounding the age of thirty.  Many times Frank had seen Miles at the gym with his baggy sweat pants and cocked Tigers hat with a straight brim.  Miles was covered with tattoos like the Illustrated Man.  Miles appeared to be someone who was just released from prison.  For a young white man, he appeared to be caught up in the Hip-Hop culture when in actuality; Miles had been a lead singer/screamer for a Hard Core Punk band called Das Capitalists.  The bass player had moved to Detroit from Berlin to go to school at Wayne State and wanted to start an authentic Punk band.  The name was great but the band never got it together and eventually they disbanded.  Miles spent his days going to a strip club on eight mile road to eat a cheap lunch, watch Detroit Tigers games and look at tits.  It beat staying at home; eating a free lunch, watching the Detroit Tigers and listening to his mom tell him that he needed to find a job.

            The Tigers were the reason that Frank decided to make conversation with Miles one day.  He did it more out of nervousness than anything else since Miles gave every guy the stare down.  There is the three second rule with men; look directly at another man for more than three seconds and you either want to fight or date.  Miles wanted nothing sexually with a man but wanted to show that his hard spent hours in the gym, made him a formidable foe for any bad ass that wanted to stare back and not look away.  The third or fourth time that Miles gave Frank the stare down, Frank flicked his head up in a sort of male to male way of saying hello.  He then asked when the Tigers were playing.  Miles then went on and on about Ordonez, Granderson, Fernando Rodney and others.  Miles was much more a Tigers fan than Frank but Frank faked it well.  Frank had been at a bar when Verlander struck out over ten guys.  They discussed that and once football season came, they discussed other things because the Detroit Lions were so bad, they weren’t worth discussing.  One day Miles posed a question that surprised Frank.

            “Hey man, you know any chicks you work with that might wanna go out with a guy like me?  I’m down to earth and shit.  I know I look like I’m not but really I don’t go out much and I stay home and all.  My grandmother died and left me her place in Southfield and I just stay in the condo and watch TV.  I get panic attacks and shit and I gotta take some medicine.  Once I take the medicine, I’m cool to come here to the gym.  If I don’t take it, I can’t even take out the fucking trash.  Anyway, I’m looking for just a chick that’s cool and all to hang out with,” said Miles, in a bashful way.

            Now Frank worked at an office building where it was his job to take orders on computer for videos made in China or Taiwan.  They were mostly Public Broadcasting publications for people that donated all their earthly treasures just to keep Public Television afloat.  In the office was a woman who cleaned the office with jet black hair and tattoos up the wazoo.  Her name was Tina and she was born and raised in Boston.  Her accent was so strong that most people laughed at her behind her back.

            “Eh mistah, if I give you a few bucks, can you ordah a few dem tapes fa my daughtah.  She loves dem nature shows…  You know penguins and shit like dat…  I left my money in the caah.  When I go fo a cigarette break, I’ll run to the caah and get my caad.  You take the Discover caad, dontcha?”

            Tina had married a tattoo artist who was also a biker.  Her husband divorced her and went to jail but wrote her everyday while in jail for armed robbery.  Tina eventually softened up and went to see her ex-husband.  In the meantime, Tina was sleeping with anyone that would give her the time of day.  Frank did not know this about Tina.  What he did know was that she had a bunch of tattoos and his new found friend at the gym, Miles had tattoos also.  They had to have a connection through body art.

            Tina at first was happy as hell to have a steady boyfriend and one that would go to a Coney Island with her occasionally with her and her seven year daughter and watch movies at night with too.  Oh and then sex.  Sex was very important to Tina.  Miles was timid at first but then relaxed.  Tina felt she could confide some of her sexual escapades with Frank at work since he was after all the friend of Miles.  Miles lead Tina to believe that he and Frank were good buddies.  They actually were acquaintances at best but lonely guys will view a relationship differently and so Tina told Frank some of the things that were transpiring good and bad.

            “Miles is really good with my daugthah…  She likes him and all and that’s cool.  The sex is a little boring at times and I’m really tired of putting dildos in his ass.  At first I was like…  Okay?  But now I’m like… Dude, do you wanna dude in your ass or something?  What the fuck!  I dunno…  He’s cool and all foh now but I ain’t gonna marry him or nothing.  I mean the fucking pills he’s gotta take and the dildos and then he’s like, tell me you love me when were … you know… I dunno what you wanna call it.  Making love or fucking… He gets all fucking mouthy saying shit like I want you to be the mothah of my kid and then ten minutes latah he’s like, I wanna keep this cool cause I dunno if I want a serious relationship.  I’m like, mothahfuckah, you just wanted me to be the mothah of your fucking kids!  I dunno…  I ain’t complainin or nothing.  It was nice and all foh you to hook it all up.  He’s got some heavy shit to deal with and I gotta raise a kid, you know?”

            Frank would just nod and stare at the woman’s cleavage and wonder if her perky breasts were real or fake.  He’d wonder if she was good in bed or just average and then Frank would think about the dildo going up the tattooed man’s ass at the health club and did not want to see him change in front of him again.  Finally the relationship between Miles and Tina unraveled and Tina mentioned it in passing.  Tina went on to sleep with six different men and give her ex-husband a hand job during visitation at prison.  Miles began to go to an Evangelical Protestant Church close to his inherited condominium in Southfield.  Suddenly Miles had an epiphany and transformation and couldn’t see Tina again even though she would call or stop by his apartment on nights when all other prospects fell through.  Tina told Frank about this too.

            “He’s like a fucking Jesus freak now.  He won’t drink or have sex no more and he’s apologizing to me for shit we did.  I told him to get the fuck away from me…  Fucking freaks and losers are all I fucking get.  Where are all the good guys?  What about you, Frankie?”

            Frank stumbled and stammered and claimed to be in a monogamous relationship with someone that he was going to marry.  It was all bullshit but it sound plausible and really as long as what you say sounds really plausible, you could be president one day.  That’s if you don’t mind the immense frustration.

Now Frank slacked off and stopped going to the gym during the whole month of December.  He developed love handles and his muscles became atrophied.  It was the prospect of becoming thirty that gave Frank a kick in the ass.  Thirty was the threshold into old age.  It was the gateway to AARP and discounts to Old Country Buffet and Frank thought that if he did not stop existing as he did at the age of sixteen, he would balloon up to the size of a whale or worse.  When Frank became gung-ho and diligent again, he ran into Miles at the health club.  Miles got to tell his side of things to Frank.  Frank never let on that Tina had already filled him in on the things that were filling in Miles’ orifices.

            “Dude, where you been?”

            “Oh shit… December was a busy month… Parties and family and shit like that.”

            Miles didn’t understand how a dinner on Christmas Eve and a company party two weeks before Christmas, could stop one from working out for a month but somehow, everyone used that excuse.

            “I know what you mean, man…” said Miles, even though he didn’t.

            On the day that Miles stood in front of Frank’s treadmill, Frank was set to run two miles in under twenty six minutes, take a shower and meet a girl he met on the internet at a restaurant in Troy.  Frank had an hour to run and shower before getting up to Troy to meet his date.  When he saw Miles sauntering over with his baggy and saggy sweatpants and cocked baseball hat, he said to himself; fucking shit.  Frank was polite.  He walked at 3.5 miles an hour at a 2% grade while Miles talked to him.

            “Hey man, I know you and Tina are tight and shit cause you were friends from work and all but that fucking bitch gave me the clap…  I went in for tests because my dick hurt when I pissed and the doctor said I have Chlamydia.  I was like, what the fuck is that going to do to me?  I asked about AIDS and he said I won’t know for a few days.  I mean I can’t fucking sleep worrying about whether I’m gonna die or not.  I go for the tests and the bitch at the clinic tells me not to worry that even if I got AIDS, I ain’t gonna die right away.  I’m taking my fucking medicine and I can’t sleep and shit.  I’ m losing my mind.  I ain’t blaming you or nothing cause nobody told me to fuck her and I should have known cause her shit was fucking stinky.  I mean like I know we all get sweaty and shit but every fucking time it was nasty and then I thought too maybe its cause she had kids coming out of her shit and all.  I don’t know, man…  I been praying about this stuff and like I joined a prayer group and told them what’s going on and now they look at me like I’m fucking crazy.  I mean if I wanna change my life, I gotta start somewhere and now the church people treat me like I got leprosy and even like Jesus and shit went to the people with leprosy…  He who is with out sin throw the first rock and shit, you know?  Hey man, you wanna go get a beer and talk about this shit with me?  I been waiting to see you and I’m so glad you showed up finally because I was like ready to snap.  I was waiting in line today to try and get my license back after my DUI and some bitch cut in front of me on a cell phone and I yelled at her ass and they were gonna call the cops…  I just need to talk to someone…  You busy tonight?”

            Frank showered and tried to call his date but it went straight into voice mail.  Frank erased his voice message three times and then sent a text.  He knew that he might never see the woman again after canceling on the night of a date but he tried to explain the best he could.  After hearing so much lying, Frank decided to be honest.  This is how the text went.


           Frank received nothing for about an hour as he listened to Miles complain about Tina over a half dozen beers a piece.  Then the text from his date came in.


            And with that, Frank was reluctant to ever call the woman again.  Why?  Could have been the penguins.  Or other shit…

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