Blackhumouristpress's Blog

July 27, 2010

The Detroit Coast

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 3:41 pm
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            In MTV’s never ending quest to take everyday people and set them in a biosphere of human reality, they chose the city of Detroit for their next hit television reality show.  The extraordinarily good looking, toned and tanned young men and women of South Beach, Venice Beach and so on, were pretty much cut of the same cloth wherever they went.  It was too much of the same thing over and over.  Athletic individuals blessed with good looks and good genes, were always going to party hard and get laid easily.  A twenty something aged producer who had helped create other reality shows for MTV, was able to sell them on placing real Detroiters in a real home, within the city limits of Detroit, within a stone’s throw of the Detroit River.

            In a city that had more than 900,000 vacant lots or abandon homes, MTV was able to buy up a whole city block for about the price of buying a single family house in a modestly well to do suburb in most cities of the United States.  Once the property was purchased, a twenty foot iron fence with sharp fleur de lis decorations on the tips, made the fence impossible to scale without impaling one’s self.  This fence went around the perimeter of the entire city block.  Security guards in cars and on foot, stood guard around the property around the clock while construction crews built a beautiful single family house within a matter of weeks.  Perfect grass without any weeds was laid out from rolls of sod.  Trees, bushes, flowers and even a sidewalk that lead to nowhere were all part of the set to make the home look as real as possible for the real people who were about to move in and share their lives together.  On television.

            From the back yard, there was ample southern exposure for the young residents to lay out by the in ground cement pool.  From the patio that was equipped with a monster sized, deluxe grill and patio furniture, the skyline of Detroit’s downtown was nearby to the south.  To the east was the shore of the Detroit River.  To the north and west was the urban blight that most people were familiar with who lived in and around Detroit.  Vacant lots or abandoned homes that had been burned and were decaying over the course of some forty plus years since the riots were visible from the fabricated home within the compound.  Weeds grew waist high in cracks of the streets and sidewalks.  For the most part, there were no homes with anyone living in them.  There were a few where residents that remained and maintained their homes despite the fact that they were isolated and secluded from anything that resembled an inner city neighborhood.  Some of residents that lived by the MTV home marveled and wondered what was going on as they sat on the front steps of their homes, drinking malt beverages.  Was Detroit really about to have an urban renewal?  Were suburban whites going to move back to Detroit to take advantage of the dirt cheap land and build homes, parks, schools, grocery stores, community centers and maybe a Starbucks?  Was Detroit about to undergo a massive change the way Chicago did back in the 1990’s?  No, not at all.

            Trent- A twenty two year old African-American born and raised in Detroit.  Trent works as a fitness instructor and personal trainer at a health club in Royal Oak.  Trent also works as a bouncer at a Royal Oak club on weekends.  Trent drives a Chrysler 300 with 18 inch rims and a sound system that could rattle the fillings off of someone’s teeth a block away.  Trent likes Rap music and is hoping to record some of his own stuff.  Trent is hoping being a celebrity on the show will afford him the chance.  Trent is tall and slender with a shaved head and a stud earring on his left ear.  He has several tattoos and thinks he looks good in the color red.

            Gwyneth- Not Gwen (she opted to use her full name like the celebrity of the same name once that celebrity became famous), is twenty one years old and a senior at the University of Michigan.  Gwyneth is really a sophomore due to the fact that she had dropped so many classes to avoid flunking out.  Gwyneth jogs and works out at a gym occasionally.  She was born and raised off eight mile road about ten miles west of the city of Detroit, in an insulated burg of other predominantly white people.  Gwyneth loves the club scene in Royal Oak and sometimes likes the oldies night in Ferndale when they play the old school stuff from the 1990’s.  Gwyneth is average height with small perky breasts, narrow hips and a shapely posterior.  She drives a Ford Focus that her father bought her and really likes to listen to Lady Gaga.

            Tommy- A twenty three year old from Warren, Michigan who was living with his mother, stepfather, stepbrother and stepsister in a small ranch house about two blocks north of eight mile road.  Tommy considers himself a Guggalo or disciple of the Insane Clown Posse.  Tommy is thin and devoid of muscle tone with a sunken chest.  He has a goatee and a moustache.  Tommy has somewhat of a mullet haircut with a blond tail in the back.  He wears sleeveless flannel shirts over Insane Clown Posse t shirts that are also missing sleeves.  Tommy has a tattoo of a clown with a hatchet in his hand with the letters ICP across his right shoulder.  Tommy has a cracked front tooth and is the father of a four year old daughter who lives with her mother and her mother’s family in Wyandotte, Michigan.  Tommy sees his daughter on supervised visits once a month.  Tommy works as a busboy at a Red Lobster in Warren.  He is hoping to be a server soon.  Tommy rides a bicycle.

Sukhunta- Age twenty two who is a second generation Cambodian woman who was raised in Berkley, Michigan.  Sukhunta attended Wayne State and is now a primary school teacher in Detroit.  Sukhunta is contemplating being a special education teacher and wants to visit England.  Sukhunta loves Ska and Reggae music.  She drives a Vespa scooter most of the year but when it is too cold and snowy for that, she drives a mint condition white AMC Pacer that she purchased from a guy on line in Arizona.  Sukhunta loves James Bond movies prior to 1976, all classic movies prior to 1970.  Sukhunta is short and plump with a bobbed hair style and makes her own clothes.

Amir- A twenty one year old man born in Lebanon who was raised in Dearborn.  Amir runs one of his father’s mini markets in inner city Detroit.  Amir is engaged to marry a girl whom he has never met from Beirut.  He talks to her on Skype and sends her emails daily.  When his fiancé finishes high school, Amir will go with his family to have the wedding in Beirut.  Amir loves baseball despite never really playing it and drives a fifteen year BMW with 162,000 miles.  The car once belonged to his father.

Trina- A twenty two year old female born in Detroit.  Trina is voluptuous, busty and has a large ass that she calls, The Juice.  Trina works at a hair salon off of Woodward.  She has twin boys age five that stay with her and her mother in Detroit.  Trina loves to sing and dance. Trina has full lips and almond shaped eyes.  Trina oozes of sexuality and confrontation.  She wears her hair slightly red and curly like corkscrews.  Her nails are long with decorations on each nail.  Trina is hoping to be signed as a singer upon becoming a celebrity on the show.  Trina drives a 1998 Chevrolet Caprice with two baby seats in the back.

            Amir is standing in front of the mirror about to brush his teeth.  He is curling his lips at the condition of the bathroom that he must share with Trent and Tommy.  Amir finds a curly hair on his toothbrush that had been in a plastic case.  He has concluded that Tommy plucked one of his own pubic hairs and nestled in the bristles of Amir’s toothbrush.  Amir is very upset.

            “This is fucking bullshit…  That motherfucker hates everyone except other trailer trash motherfuckers like himself.  He’s gonna get up and light a fucking cigarette, make some fucking coffee and swear at his mom on the phone before making a fucking mess, getting on his bicycle to go clean fucking tables.  The guy is a fucking moron…  You all must have picked him for comedy.  Any day he’ll be in jail for stealing someone’s fucking dog and trying to get away  with it on his ten speed… Fuck it…  I’m not going to brush my teeth today.  I’m going to be like Tommy and not brush my teeth…” said Amir.

            A man behind a camera asks Amir why he’s so angry so early in the morning.

            “Why?  You asking me fucking why?  I wait forty five minutes for Trent to finish jacking off or whatever the fuck he does in here while blasting music.  I mean, he’s got no hair so it ain’t like he’s combing it, right?  Okay so you shit and shower and shave…  Does that take an hour?  One guy never does anything but piss and shit and the other monopolizes the bathroom and then when I gotta get in here and rush in like ten minutes to do all I need to and then there’s a light brown fucking pube imbedded in my goddamn tooth brush.  It’s no fucking mistake.  That motherfucker hates Muslims.  He fucking asked me if I sleep in a tent in my backyard in Dearborn…  I’m like what the fuck are you talking bout, man?  He said he saw some shit on television about Bedouins in Morocco that are nomadic and sleep only in tents.  I’m like, yeah motherfucker.  I’m milking fucking goats and selling oil…  Fuck it… I’m outta here,” said Amir.

            Amir goes to the kitchen where Trina is talking loudly on the phone while eating Frosted Flakes and painting her toe nails.  Amir wants to pour himself a glass of milk and studies all the glasses up to the light to see if they were truly clean.  Trina sees the faces Amir is making and says something to him.

            “All them glasses is clean.  You ain’t gotta be coming all up in here making them faces.  You don’t like the way I clean em, you got the sponge and soap right there, you kin wash them yo-self.  I ain’t the maid in this bitch.  It was my turn to warsh them and I did.  You see me eating Tony the fucking tiger off the same dishes I done washed the night befoh, right?  Aight then…  Don’t worry bout that and just pour you some milk.  Come in up in the kitchen, cain’t say hello or good morning but gonna be inspectin the damn dishes like he from the health department… Is it you or your people just ain’t friendly in the morning?” 

            “My people?  Let me ask about you about your people and let me hear how that sounds to you…” said Amir.

            “Then take yo monkey ass out here…  You be all smiles just as soon you git to yo daddy’s store and you selling forty ounces and Pampers…  Yeah, thank you come again, motherfucker…”

            “Fuck you, bitch.”

            “Say something else and I will get up out this chair.”

Gwyneth enters the kitchen and awkwardly hugs and kisses goodbye a guy she picked up at a club the night before.  Gwyneth isn’t sure of the man’s name. Trina has her own room but Gwyneth has to share a room with Sukhunta.  Sukhunta is upstairs complaining about having to hear Gweneth making sex sounds in the room.  Sukhunta is wearing a pair of black leggings and Doc Marten boots.  She is listening to The English Beat at a low volume and is trying to decide which skirt she wants to wear.  Another camera crew films her getting ready.

            “Um…  I have no problem with sex.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love sex and I think it’s great but when you’re like being woken from a deep sleep to the sound of someone being tortured, that’s just a little gross… Okay?  I mean why didn’t she just go to his house?  Is it because he’s living with mom and dad still?  Couldn’t sneak her into the basement or something?  Nobody just goes to motels anymore.  You go to some motel off Gratiot.  It’s like forty bucks and you get to watch people fuck on television while you go at it.  No…  Ms. Congeniality has to get shit faced and bring the soup du jour home and then I wake up to smell of farts, tequila and rotten breath from them across the room.  You know what?  It’s just courtesy.  When you believe you’re at the center of the universe, you just don’t worry about bothering others I guess…  What do you think?  Plaid skirt or the checkers?  I really want to wear the checkers but I don’t know if the principal will think it’s just a tad too casual.  I dunno… I’m gonna be late again.”

            The show lasted a full season.  Trent wound up sleeping with all three women at one point or another.  Tommy and Amir got into a fist fight and Tommy needed to get stitches.  Tommy said he would be back with a gun but nothing came of it.  Trina was almost dismissed for having her twins spend the night on nights when filming was supposed to take place.  Trina’s mother had a new boyfriend and wanted some alone time with her boyfriend and had Trina take the twins for a few nights in the house.  Gwyneth was having issues with depression and went for extended periods of time when she could not face any of the other residents in the house.  Sukhunta emerged as the sane voice of balance and reason who could effectively talk to all the other residents and find a way to be friends or at least co-exist to some extent with the others.  Occasionally they all went out for Greek food or to a hockey game at the direction of the MTV crew but for the most part, it was chaos and that was what the public liked most.

            The show did very well and had lived a life span of a year.  The next big new show was going to feature hidden camera gags on unexpecting people at large.  The MTV crew was in negotiations with George Clinton about doing a Hugh Heffner-esque show about an old Funk musician living with several barely legal women who agree to share him equally.  The Detroit house was all set up for the next great idea.

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