Blackhumouristpress's Blog

November 23, 2010

God’s Acre or The Known Unknowns

            There is a town just south and west of Chicago called Plainfield that now in the age of interstates and suburban sprawl, is considered a suburb even though it is some forty miles from Chicago.  The population has tripled in size since 1990 and could quadruple past the current population in the year 2030 when the whole world will quadruple and there will be fewer resources, less land and a lot more ocean. 

            The first Europeans to settle the area proselytized to Pottawatomie Indians about Jesus and god and salvation and all and then wound up with the land which was eventually taken by the state.  Fast forward to the year 1990 and Jed was given a gift by his paternal grandparents of a trailer in a new development for mobile homes called of all things, God’s acre.

            Someone who was familiar with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, dubbed the park God’s Acre after one of Longfellow’s poems. The developer knew that the land before the mobile home park was a dump site and before that, a Pottawatomie burial ground.  A sign out in front of the mobile home park read:

God’s Acre- This is the field and acre of our god

            The phrase rang well to those who loved and feared god equally and so the developer was able to corral moralists, evangelists and Methodists into buying mobile homes in his Plainfield park of God’s acre. 

The opportunist that had developed the land for a mobile home park had a good cash flow but had bad assets other places that went belly up.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul and Mary, no longer worked and so the land that the homes rested upon went into foreclosure and the entire park

was bought up by a new entity that was a holding company from North Dakota.  A representative came for the closing and then got back quickly to Fargo. 

Now Jed was in arrears on his assessment by some eighteen months.  Jed squandered his disability check at a casino one month and could not pay his assessment.  No letters or calls ever came.  Another month passed and then several more and nobody had ever inquired as to where his assessment was and when it could be expected.  When the Fargo based company bought up the land, they hired an attorney to re-coup debts.  Jed found that he could lose the only thing he owned besides a beat up American Motors Eagle circa 1985 with faux wood and looked to be jacked up but really was designed that way.  The mobile home and car were both gifts from his paternal grandparents.  God bless them.

Jed went to court and was assigned an attorney who represented him the best he could but the reality was that Jed was going to lose his mobile home due to back assessments that he could not pay.  The court was giving him just two weeks to come up with the money or lose his property. 

Jed sat watching the Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day while he ate a processed turkey breast in gravy that was high in sodium but was really tasty and juicy.  Jed sat watching the game on his television that was about to die as he drank vodka straight from the bottle in hopes that he would get sleepy.  Sleep never came and it had been several days since Jed had any sleep.  Jed was drunk and unable to sleep but in his drunken state, he got the idea to take an over the counter sleep aid to help him sleep.  The sleep aid with nearly a fifth of hard liquor put Jed on the fence between life and death.  While Jed road that fence, he had a vision.  Down from the heavens floated down a beautiful figure in a red and white bikini top and blue bottoms with white stars.  Fifty stars in all.  The beautiful figure wore glasses and held a bolt action rifle as she floated to the ground.  She walked towards Jed who was out on his back porch smoking a cigarette.  Jed was so astounded that he couldn’t speak.  The heavenly figure in the bikini with the bolt action rifle spoke instead.

“Jedidiah…  Do you want to lose this palace?  Do you want to lose what makes the American dream a dream?  A man is a king and this is your kingdom…  What are you prepared to do?”

Jed stuttered as he asked the figure if she was possibly Sarah Palin.

“I am who you think I am, Jedidiah…  I know that you masturbate to pictures of me that really are not me but a Photoshop photo and that’s okay…  We have all sinned.  I am here to ask you what it is that you believe in.  What do you want out of life?  What makes you happy?  What do you feel is possible given your limitations and poor health?”

“I… I don’t know.”

The beautiful figure pushed her glasses back while smiling and never releasing her finger from the trigger of the bolt action rifle.  She bent down and whispered to Jed words of wisdom that Donald Rumsfeld had once spoken before her.  It may have been plagiarism or just a tribute to a man who understood god’s plan and the thrill of war.

“Jedidiah…  As we know, there are known knowns.  There are the things we know we know.  We also know there are known unknowns.  That is to say we know there are things we don’t know.  But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know…  Do you understand?”  Asked the angelic figure.

“You mean like god and taxes and stuff like that?”

“I’m not entirely sure either but I guess what I’m saying is that you have to know what it is that you can do to help the situation at hand.  You can’t just up and join the military…  You’re too old, too fat and too lazy.  What do you know that you know you can do and know that it will work beyond a shadow of a doubt?”

The figure began to rise and she waved and blew a kiss to Jed as he waved back and smiled.  Jed came to on the floor of his mobile home.  His dog was eating his vomit and a grunting man was doing abdomen exercises on television with a device that looked like a large IUD. The next commercial was for a pay per view wrestling smack down of several oiled up men with long hair and tights.  The light suddenly went on in Jed’s foggy head.  Jed felt reassured, hopeful and energized.  He sat up and took a deep breath and exclaimed out loud while his dog licked the remnants of his spew.

“This life is really wonderful…”

Jed sent out invitations to all his friends on Facebook that there was going to be a showdown of showdowns.  The Mexican Luchadores against the American heroes.  People from all over came to see two fat Mexicans in masks take on two fat Americans in wigs.  They hit one another with chairs, tables, watermelons and pulled hair and elbowed one another.  When the dust cleared, Jed had enough money to pay the back assessment and his three friends who believed in what Jed knew to be true; stupidity knows what it knows as well as the unknown.

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