Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 13, 2011

Drunk Driving the Dog

            Horatio Kiss made a pile of money or as the saying goes, hand over fist, getting drunks to beat the drunken driving laws in the state of Michigan.  Horatio was an attractive man with a televangelist’s smile, with perfect hair and good speaking voice.  Business got so good that Horatio began to do commercials on local television in Detroit.  His commercials began with kissing lips and a red imprint of lips across his own forehead that he would wipe off with a handkerchief.

            “Drunk driving is not a laughing matter; you need the professionals at Horatio Kiss and Associates to help you wipe away that DUI.”

            Horatio would then tuck the handkerchief into his breast pocket and point at the camera and exclaim, “Get the facts, get the help you need.  At Horatio Kiss and Associates we have handled every type of DUI charge imaginable.  We can get you that dismissal, we can get you that re-instatement today… Begin to wipe away that DUI now.”

            Peter Francis Geraci had been the most recognized commercial attorney in Michigan with all the bankruptcies and foreclosures. All those broke and evicted people then needed another attorney when they turned to alcohol to ease the pain when they operated vehicles while intoxicated.  Horatio became their man.

            It was no joke; Horatio was very good at getting drunks off the hook.  Many people were nailed dead to rights by the Michigan State Police or in the city of Detroit or surrounding municipalities.  An officer would often come into court and explain why he stopped a potentially drunk vehicle operator and then Horatio would go to work on that officer.

            “Officer Whipple…  Have you ever changed a station on your radio in the car?”


            “Have you ever drank or eaten something while operating a vehicle?”


            “Have you ever spoken on a phone or answered a radio call in your squad car while it was moving, while operating it?”


            “Have you ever swerved while doing this?”

            “I’m not certain.”

            “So you could have swerved but you are unaware of ever doing it while doing everyday things that everyone does without taking a drop of alcohol.  Is that correct, officer?”

            “It is possible I suppose…”

            “Are you a diabetic, Officer Whipple?”

            “No sir…”      

            “Were you aware that the defendant is a diabetic and that he was on the phone with Walgreen’s placing an order for insulin when you stopped him for erratic driving which was nothing more than driving on the lane marker but not crossing it.  This man was about to go into shock and yet you would hear none of it.  Am I correct, officer?”

            “He refused a sobriety test and in my experience this is usually guilt by denial.  We never discussed diabetes.”

            “The defendant was not allowed to discuss diabetes, officer…”

            And so on.  Horatio understood that most obese people needed insulin and since most people were obese, he could use that argument.  Horatio pulled many rabbits out of hats to help clearly drunk motorists beat the rap.  Aside from diabetes, Horatio used insomnia, head injuries, poor vision that had been since corrected, contractions, menstrual cramping, vertigo due to ear wax blockage, recent deaths in the family, divorce, loss of jobs, homes and even once a drop in stocks.  Horatio was good and everyone knew it.  Horatio could stuff an elephant through the eye of a needle and many knew he was capable of explaining why it was necessary and plausible.  Horatio was the Houdini of DUI defense.

            Horatio had a brother by the name of Helmut who was Horatio’s twin brother.  Helmut was not a fraternal twin and unless people were told, they would never guess that Horatio and Helmut were even brothers.  Helmut was tall, obese, loud and drunk most of the time.  He went to strip clubs and never missed a Detroit Red Wings home game.  Helmet had a job dropping off medical supplies between nursing homes in Ann Arbor and Oakland County in the town of Wixom.  People who knew Helmut called him The Pontiac Trailer Trash but not to his face.  Helmet lived in a trailer and drove a 1977 AMC Hornet that had belonged to their grandparents who had willed it to Helmut before they died.  A coat hanger held the muffler to the car and he drove with the windows open because exhaust fumes would enter through the rotten floor boards.  All Helmut could get on radio was AM stations and so Helmet listened to a Detroit sports talk station on AM  radio and even got a five minute call in show which he was not paid for where he would rant or rave about the Red Wings.  The only reason Helmut was given the show was because he was the brother of the famous Horatio Kiss and because Helmut showed up to every Red Wings home game with his English Bulldog who he named, Delvecchio after a former ice hockey hall of fame player by the name of Alex Delvecchio who played for the Red Wings during the days of the Original Six.

  Helmut and Delvecchio would walk around Joe Louis Arena before games and Delvecchio wore a red sweater with the Red Wing logo on it and the name Delvecchio.  Delvecchio the dog also wore a custom fit white CCM helmet with Red Wing logos on both sides.  Helmet would yell like a drunken frat boy and high five anyone and everyone who would acknowledge him and his dog.  Helmet would then valet park his AMC Hornet with the windows cracked and the motor running so that his dog would not die of carbon monoxide or freeze while he went into Joe Louis Arena to watch a game.

            It was on New Year’s Eve that the Detroit Red Wings were taking on the New York Islanders.  For those in the know, the lowly Islanders stood a slim chance of ever stealing a win from the mighty Red Wings especially at home and on the last night of the year.

            Helmut left his home early to parade Delvecchio around downtown Detroit.  They walked by Campus Martius where Detroiters were skating at the outdoor ice rink, he walked up and down the streets in Greektown and then took Delvecchio on the People Mover at the Cadillac Center, past Greektown, The Renaissance Center, the financial district and then on to Joe Louis Arena.  Patrons of the people mover all wanted to pet the panting, slobbering Delvecchio with his cute sweater and helmet on his head.  Japanese tourists usually took family pictures with Helmut and the dog and then tipped him.  Helmut didn’t mind.

            Horatio was more of a basketball fan than a hockey fan and so Horatio rarely made it to The Joe.  It just so happened that a wealthy client who had a son that got arrested with a fictitious license, got into a car accident while intoxicated.  It was a trifecta for the arresting officer: suspended license, fake identification and an accident while intoxicated.  The son of the wealthy real estate speculator racked up fines that exceeded $50,000.00 and a potential felony for falsifying his identity.  The wealthy real estate man was a huge hockey fan and wanted to discuss Horatio’s plan of action between periods at the hockey game.  They were fantastic seats, center ice about ten rows back.

            It was at the end of the game when Horatio fought his way to a men’s bathroom on the way out of the arena that he recognized a distinct voice.  It was the voice of his twin picking a fight with some fans from Long Island in New York.

            “Fuck the Rangers, fuck the Devils, fuck Mike Bossy, fuck Long Island, fuck Long Island Ice Tea, fuck your stupid accents and the fucking Islanders…  This is what I think of your fucking Islanders…”

            Helmut pulled out his penis and began urinating in the sink in full view of every man waiting in line to relieve themselves before they burst.  Other Detroit fans cheered in the bathroom as Helmut clasped his hands over his head as if he had won a prize fight.  Horatio grabbed his brother and escorted him towards his car, lecturing him all the way.  Horatio collected Delvecchio from the overheating AMC and paid to have the car stored overnight. 

            “Bro, you don’t understand cause you’re not a fan.  We got Pavel out, Cleary, Modano and now Stewart and they just got fucking lucky.  I don’t like nobody coming into my home and talking smack.  It’s smack bro, that’s all.  I’m just trying to have a good time and enjoy a game and welcome in the baby new year, that’s all.  Delvecchio and me are gonna stop by a few places to have a nip and then we’ll be on our way,” said a slurring Helmut.

            Delvecchio was panting profusely while he sat on Helmut’s lap.  Drool was getting all over the dashboard of Horatio’s Escalade which had just been detailed.  Horatio lost his cool.

            “I am tired of saving your ass every time you do something stupid.  Bringing the dog to games, getting wasted, pissing in sinks in a public building…  I can’t save you from yourself, Helmy.  When are you going to grow up?”

            The lecture made Helmut sad.  He began to cry.  The immense amount alcohol which was consumed over the course of eight hours brought about an impetuous decision to open the door of the SUV which was moving at seventy five miles an hour on interstate 75.  Horatio slammed on the breaks to keep his brother from falling out of the moving vehicle.  Helmut began to walk alongside the interstate carrying his sixty pound bulldog in a sweater and hockey helmet as snow began to fall.  Horatio pleaded with his brother to get back in the truck but Helmet ignored him.  Helmet began to stick out his thumb in hopes of getting a ride from a passing vehicle.  After about a quarter mile, an Officer Haynes pulled his state issued Crown Victoria over to the side to try and understand what was happening between two men and a dog.  The night grew ugly for the trio.  Officer Haynes had actually been in court with Horatio several times and lost.  It was his good fortune or possibly karma that brought them all together at nearly the strike of midnight on New Year’s Eve.

  On the front page of the Detroit Free Press was a picture taken from the squad car camera of Horatio, Helmut and Delvecchio looking like deer in the headlights.  The headline was as follows:


            Detroit- Horatio Kiss was found walking with his brother, Helmet Kiss and his dog Delvecchio along interstate 75 near exit 55: Holbrook/Caniff Avenue exit after attending a Detroit Red Wings game earlier in the evening.  Mr. Horatio Kiss contends that he was attempting to get his brother Helmut Kiss and his dog into his vehicle when they were spotted by Michigan State Police walking northbound on the shoulder of Interstate 75 at 11:52 pm on December 31st.  Mr. Helmut Kiss struck the officer who was attempting to handcuff him, broke a window to the squad car and ran off of the freeway.  Mr. Horatio Kiss then followed his brother in a white Cadillac Escalade.  The Kiss Brothers and the dog were apprehended without further incident in Hamtramck.  Bond hearing is scheduled Monday January 3, 2011.  Mr. Horatio Kiss will be representing himself and his brother.  No further details are known about the English bulldog named Delvecchio.

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