Blackhumouristpress's Blog

February 6, 2011

Inn of the Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 5:42 am
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            Mr. and Mrs. Chang were lead out of Yang Cheng, China by an English missionary when they were just small children before the Japanese captured them during World War II.  Life as it often does, takes some strange twists and turns.  Mr. and Mrs. Chang wound up marrying one another and moving to Michigan City, Indiana and opening The Inn of the Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet.

            Most people would never stop in Michigan City unless they needed petroleum betwixt a voyage to Chicago or Detroit along interstate 94.  For those that do happen to pull off the highway, The Inn of the Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet is a must visit.

            Sylvia Chang is seventy seven years old woman but appears to be much younger.  Her sister died of SARS in Toronto some years earlier while they played in a forty eight hour Mahjong tournament between former Chinese nationals.  Since that time, Sylvia wears blue rubber gloves that make her hands look like they were submerged in water all day and smell as if something had rotted and a surgical mask over her face.  By the end of the day when she washes after she washes her hands profusely, she applies Vitamin E caplets to the slight crow’s feet by both of her eyes.  For those that don’t know Sylvia when they enter the restaurant, it can be a bit unnerving to be sat by a woman with blue gloves and a surgical mask on her face.  Most have trouble understanding her when she asks if they want smoking or non-smoking.  They still smoke in restaurants in Indiana.

            Elvis Chang is seventy six years old and also trekked out of Yang Cheng with the missionary and Sylvia when he was a young lad.  He and Sylvia learned, This Old Man, before they learned any English.  People in Michigan City were amused by the singing of the song randomly by both Elvis and Sylvia.  They speak English good now or should I say well and don’t need to pull that chanson out of their bag any longer.  In fact Elvis for kicks does Karaoke at the Blue Chip Casino on Thursday nights to any and all Elvis Presley songs while dressed in a white jump suit with a cape and large sun glasses.  Elvis Chang has a large pompadour hair-do and had a collection of Zamfir does Elvis on pan flute.  Elvis may have been the king but Zamfir is the undisputed king of the pan flute.

            Teddy Chang is the grandson and waiter who has a multicolored hair-do and is in love with early eighties new wave music.  His favorite band is Flock of Seagulls and loves watching John Hughes movies over and over again.  Sixteen Candles is his favorite.  Teddy has a huge disdain for all the patrons of The Inn of the Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet.  Teddy has determined that white American people are fat and stupid and one dimensional.  Here is what Teddy sees during the course of a day:

            Floyd wears flannel and worn jeans that only get warshed when his mother is able to get over to his trailer to tidy up and take his clothes back to her house near South Bend to be cleaned and sanitized for everyone’s protection.

            Floyd never liked sports much and never had many friends.  His body fat is at 29.7 percent.  He is forty eight years old, has hemorrhoids, diabetes and hypertension.  Floyd has always had a difficult time coming to grips with the fact that he is homosexual.  All the men in the steel mill that he works at in Gary, Indiana are extremely homophobic and so Floyd hides it well.  He has written his own number on the wall of The Inn of Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet.  It says: for a really good time…  I mean really good time, call Floyd at …

            Floyd found that gay truckers liked to meet at a certain rest stop right over the Michigan border headed towards Detroit.  Most of them were French-Canadian and liked to perform or receive oral sex and then beat the shit out of one another.  That appealed to Floyd since he was ultra-masculine.  Floyd loves to eat the fried wanton on a stick with plum sauce.  He looks at Teddy with disdain but has decided that given the opportunity, he wouldn’t say no to a romp with him.

            Ethyl goes to the buffet with her elderly mother who is thin and very spry for a woman of ninety years of age.  She is hard of hearing but other wise is very healthy.  She loves to garden and work at the resale shop in town.  She bakes cakes and bread for poor woman who have children and no husband.  She was raised Methodist and cannot understand why everyone is not Methodist. 

            Now Ethyl is about sixty and is morbidly obese, smokes, gambles and drinks.  Her and her mother will eat and then gamble at the casino and then eat some more.  When Ethyl drops off her mother, she will stop at the BP station at exit thirty three off of the highway to buy a sixteen ounce RC, a box of six mini powdered donuts, Indiana lottery tickets and a Dolly Madison cherry pie incase she gets hungry after watching QVC all night and purchasing things she cannot afford and things she really doesn’t need.

            Ethyl’s mother likes the chocolate pudding and the beef broccoli and giggles when Elvis sings Teddy Bear to her.  Ethyl likes everything and then likes to take extra cookies and put them in her purse just incase she gets famished in the middle of the night after eating her Dolly Madison cherry pie.

            Then there is Mike and Esperanza.  Mike is white but thinks he is a hybrid of African and Hispanic.  His wife is Puerto Rican and he tells people he is Dominican.  Mike thinks the Dominican is in that thin region between Mexico and South America.  He’s mistaking it for Panama. Mike is white among white, the type of white that burns in the sun and then peels like a snake.  He wears a Montreal Expos hat with a straight brim hat, extra large white t shirt and baggy jeans that his wife bought with her employee discount at Wal-Mart.  Esperanza leaves their three children with Mike while she works.  Mike is trying hard to be a rapper but just cannot think of rhymes very well.  The oldest child is in kindergarten and the twins walk around all day in a walking device with wheels.  The twin boys crash into things all day as if they were in bumper cars.  Mike blasts gangsta rap while the boys watch with Mickey Mouse Club on television with no volume.  In the background they hear things regarding hoes, bitches, fucking bitches, this motherfucker, that motherfucker, gonna kill that motherfucker while watching Mickey and the whole gang.  Mike goes by the rap moniker of Low Down Dirty Dog Motherfucker.  He tells people to just call him LD. 

            Esperanza likes to eat salads because she is trying to lose weight.  She does eat egg rolls though.  She makes the kids eat vegetables and chicken and then lets them eat cookies, cake and ice cream until their stomachs hurt.  Mike actually likes everything but complains about things being too dry or too wet or too hot or too cold.  He constantly asks Teddy questions about the food because he suspects that Teddy is scared of him.

            “Eh man…  Lemme aks you why this shit always cold…  Lemme know when you and Kwai Chang Caine fittin to make this shit fresh… I pay good money foh this shit. You hear me, Grasshopper?”

            The Cassidy Family owns a junk yard on the end of town and is die hard Indianapolis Colts fans.  Mr. Cassidy wears a John Deere hat and a Colts Starter coat.  He is rail thin and has a moustache with side burns.  He has a wide Willy Nelson belt with a chain attached to his wallet.  He wears a beeper and a cell phone on his belt buckle with three dozen keys on a huge hoop ring.  Mr. Cassidy jangles as he walks.  He throws his chest out and gives other men the stare down.  It is part of a little man’s complex.  Mr. Cassidy has only had one fight in his life and it was in junior high.  Other than being a Colts Football, the Cassidy’s love wrestling and monster truck rallies.  They hate foreigners, blacks, Hispanics and people from Chicago and the Chicago Bears.  They make an exception for the Changs since they make good food. 

            Mrs. Cassidy has three chins and is six feet of height.  She wears pig tails and loves Britney Spears and Peyton Manning.  She named their dog Peyton and makes her husband pretend to talk like Peyton while they have sex.  Their adult children still live at home and are under employed.  They both help out at the junk yard even though their dad doesn’t need them nor like their work ethics of sleeping until eleven in the morning and look to quit for the day by four.  This would not include unlimited texting, piss and coffee breaks.  The children are huge Colts fans and also love listening to the Insane Clown Posse.  They have tattoos on their arms of a clown with a hatchet in its hand, the letters ICP and Juggalos.

            The four of them love the egg drop soup.  Mr. Cassidy loves barbequed wings and carrot cake.  Mrs. Cassidy loves everything but loves the shrimp with vegetables and cannot eat enough almond cookies.  The two boys always take more than they can eat and then entertain each other by putting straws and tooth picks in the food and pretending that they are playing war.  Mr. Cassidy would like to retire but cannot imagine either or both of his two sons being responsible enough to maintain a business that was created by his grandfather.  He hopes time will make them responsible.

            Teddy hates Chinese food actually.  After work he goes to Subway and then goes to Starbucks to write to Facebook friends on his laptop while sipping on a Venti Carmel Frappichino.  Teddy realizes he has a fortune cookie in his pocket and decides that it is probably meant for him to crack it open and read it.  And so he did.  This is what it read:

            Only fools and dead men don’t change their minds.  Fools won’t and dead men cannot.  Lucky numbers 18, 19, 40, 7, 15, 27. 

            Teddy thought about stopping at the BP to play the lottery with those numbers.  He soon forgot about the fortune and wound up just going home to sleep so that he could start over again the next day.


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    Pingback by Tweets that mention Inn of the Sixth Happiness Super Deluxe Chinese Buffet « Blackhumouristpress's Blog -- — February 6, 2011 @ 10:21 pm | Reply

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