Blackhumouristpress's Blog

March 25, 2011

Ray of Life

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 4:21 am
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Lars Lindvistdagen was a life long student in Sweden and was commissioned by the Royal Swedish Academy of Sciences upon achieving a doctorate.  The Swedish government became very interested in the effects of electromagnetism and so Lars took off for Lapland to understand what life was like in the pure darkness of winter and efflorescent lights.

            The Sami people primarily lived in Norway, but at the near northern most border of Sweden where the sun never seemed to set in the summer or rise in the winter was where Lars met Helga who was teaching the Sami language to Swedish children whose parents had to relocate to northern Sweden for work.  Lars was completely smitten with this carefree woman who was a hair under six feet tall, with blond hair, large breasts and a firm b


            Helga’s people had herded reindeer for centuries and with technology being what it is, there just wasn’t the need for so much reindeer husbandry as their used to be and so Helga taught her language to Swedish people who mostly spoke English anyway.

            Lars at the youthful age of forty eight, after being a student in the university system of Sweden, married a much younger Helga and lived in Bjokliden.  They married at midnight on the longest night of the year.  Something about that time of year made Helga feel more alive than at any other time of the year.  The sun set at about 12:24am and they made love over and over until the sun rose again at about 3:57am.  They slept, made love and got ready to move to Los Angeles, California.

            Lars and Helga spent there honeymoon at Disneyland and in Malibu and both agreed that the overabundance of humans in such a concentrated area would be perfect to study the effects of electromagnetism.  Lars and Helga had lived in a part of the world where there were very few people.  In the summer, they would walk through the forest of pine and rocky hills that were greener than the color green.  In the winter when the wind wasn’t howling, they would walk in the snow and marvel at the beautiful mountains and herds of reindeer, take deep breaths of clean air and then went back indoors to have sex.  Lars understood that Helga could get herself to cum if he was under her and really that was the best view of his young wife who wasn’t yet thirty years of age.  Her long blond hair and perfect smile and enormous breasts moving in perfect syncopation and his sunken chest with a few wispy hairs on his chest, thin face with horn rim glasses and a beard that made him look like Sigmund Freud.  The Royal Academy asked Lars to work in tandem with scientist at UCLA.

            Helga began to feel strange in a strange land.  Eating Del Taco, going to health clubs, drinking expensive coffee concoctions, driving long distances for a long time was all taking a toll on Helga who began to show signs of depression and unbridled anger. 

            One night while watching an Ingrid Bergman movie in Swedish, Helga became confused about what it was that she was thinking of doing.   She stood holding a bowl and began to cry and then scream.  She broke a leg off of their teak table and began to smash things until there was no sound and no light.  After several minutes of crying, Helga got into their late model Volvo and drove full speed down Santa Monica Boulevard.  She drove the Volvo through the front window of a Starbucks.  It was nearly ten in the evening and people were still drinking coffee, doing things on laptops and texting people.  At the moment the car came crashing through the front window, a Madonna song was playing softly Helga could hear subliminal messages like high pitched frequency sounds that only canines can hear.  Helga heard it earlier in the day when she was drinking a green tea and thumbing through the Los Angeles Times.  It was laced in Madonna’s song, Ray of Light.

            Faster than the speeding light she’s flying

            Try to remember where it all began

            She’s got herself a piece of heaven

            Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one

            Quicker than a ray of light

            Quicker than a ray of light

            While the music played and Helga looked around the room.  A fat young guy with a dirty t-shirt talked into a Bluetooth as he nervously bounced his legs and discussed a bet about which Hollywood star would freak out next as he scanned Popeater.  A woman in spandex talked loudly on a cell phone while she poured six packets of sugar into a caramel frappichino.  A little boy was glued to a hand held game while his Haitian au pair drank a coffee black, without milk or sugar and spoke in a patois to someone in New York about the weather and whether a relative had died yet of AIDS in Miami.  Suddenly everything seemed to speed up to Helga.  Cars moved faster, clouds seemed to zoom by and pedestrians seemed to be running.  A Pakistani cab driver came in and spoke on his cell phone in his native tongue and it sound like an auctioneer.  Helga could hear her own heart beat and the electricity in the room buzzed like high tension wires in a misty rain.  Helga was afraid to blink.  Helga was afraid to move.

            Faster than the speeding light she’s flying

            Try to remember where it all began

            She’s got herself a piece of heaven

            Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one… And I feel like I just got home

            Fucking speeding life is dying

            Try to remember a safer place

            She used to have a bigger land

            Waiting for moment when this will end… And I feel like I can’t get home

            As the Volvo smashed into the barista’s bar and sent people flying, Helga pulled out a double barrel, twelve gauge shot gun and began to shoot at lights, computers.  Carefully and slowly reloading the shells after each shot.  Patrons and workers scattered as if an earthquake was taking place.  Helga plopped down in a chair as the same Madonna song played.  Helga reached in the cooler and popped open a mineral water as the song slowed to the chorus.

            Zephyr in the Sky at night I wonder

            Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun

            She’s got herself a universe gone quickly

            For the call of thunder threatens everyone

            Laser surgery may be the answer

            For unwanted hair

            Six minutes a day to get the shape you want

            Buy info tapes today to get yourself out of debt

            Miller Lite or any light?  A ray of light? 

            Lights out, lightology, lighthouse, lightening

            Light my fire, you light up my life…  I am the way, the truth and the light

            Lars book became a best seller in Sweden when it became know what his wife Helga had done in Los Angeles and their well publicized deportation.  When interviewed on American television about the incident, Lars had good answers for his wife’s behavior.

            Not all compact fluorescent lights are the same and not all full spectrum

lights are safe.  There are problems with CFL that go beyond the mercury

problem. Some of these health concerns are namely that they can cause

irritability, depression, hyperactivity, fatigue, headaches etc.  Compact

fluorescent lights (CFL) produce radio wave frequencies. These frequencies

radiate directly from the bulbs and go on the electrical wiring in the home

or school causing poor power quality or dirty electricity. The closer you

sit to the bulb the greater your exposure. Because the high frequencies

travel along the wire you can be exposed in other rooms of your home as well

as the room that contains the CFL.

Many complain that they cannot be in a room

with fluorescent lights because they feel “unwell”. These people have

difficulty shopping in large department stores because of the lighting and

often go with list in hand and spend as little time in the store as

possible. Their cognitive functions diminish and some have difficulty

recalling where they parked their car…  My wife parked our car in the middle of a Starbucks in

Santa Monica, California… She couldn’t recall why.

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