Blackhumouristpress's Blog

April 27, 2011

Condo Meeting 7PM or Fuck the Tiger Lilies

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 2:06 am
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The spring meeting of the Stony Meadows Condominium Association was supposed to be held on the first Tuesday at7pmin the fitness center which is next to the meter room and where bicycles are stored.  The same six people who always came to the association meeting showed.  There was the president of the association, the treasurer, the secretary and then the same three concerned, displeased, disgruntled, disenchanted and wholly disgusted property owners who missed the days when they were renters.

Robert- Okay, I would like now like to call this meeting to order for the first quarter association meeting of the Stony Meadows Condominium Association.  Abby, is your recorder working?

Abby- Um no.  My son got hold of it last week while playing in the Lu.  It wasn’t until I was about to use the toilet that I noticed it floating about… Georgia, do you mind taking notes and I will print them up and post them on the association portal?

Georgia- I can do that.

            Robert, during the day trained unmotivated and semi-motivated people to get back into shape.  He owns a small gym where serious body builders spend eight hours a day or more, working out.  Robert has been taking steroids for a number of years and had arms that looked like most people’s thighs.  His body fat was 5.2% and he is striving for 4%.  When he sits on the toilet to relieve himself, he notices that his stomach makes a roll.  Robert believes it is fat and doesn’t reason that it is skin that is bunched up together in one spot due to the fact that his body is at a 90 degree angle while he defecates.  He has been eating a dozen eggs, sixteen ounces of lean ground beef and chicken breast with a vegetables and fruit for years.  Robert knows he looks good but wants to look better than anyone and everyone on the planet.  Robert spends most of his time admiring himself naked in front of his mirror at home.

            Abby moved fromEnglandsome years back. Abby is English and not Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish.  She married an American and decided to follow him wherever he may go.  He opted to move back fromLondonto the Midwestern part of theUnited States.  Abby is short and squatty and has close to thirty percent body fat.  She is a stay at home mother who is trying to get a book published about her experiences as an English mother in the colonies.  Abby calls theUnited Statesthe colonies throughout her manuscript.  She thought it was a bit cheeky and agents for the most part thought she was speaking aboutBermudaor some other remote outpost that had not been cast aside byGreat Britain.

           Georgiais an educated African-American woman who works in an all white law firm.  She was being lined up to be a partner in the firm when her superior and ally decided that her calling was to represent those detain inGuantanamoBay. Georgiajust received an email from her mentor who was interviewing her potential client who vowed to behead all Americans and Israelis if ever set free but would consider living in harmony with them if theUnited Statesgovernment would be willing to move his family toNew YorkfromSaudi Arabia. Oh and give him five million dollars for informing on the movers and shakers within his terrorist organization. Georgia’s mentor was negotiating the deal with the government. Georgiain the meantime dreaded working for a mealy mouthed, beady eyed Harvard graduate that constantly let everyone know that he had graduated with Obama and finished second in his class. Georgia’s boss was fearful of the fact thatGeorgiawas more competent than him and quicker in evaluating a case and making sound determinations. Georgia’s boss found her to be “forbidding, hostile and distant”. Georgiatold her boss that her name was actually Sapphire and wanted to be called Sapphire from then on out. Georgia’s name wasn’t such but wanted to get the message out to other blacks in the law firm that she was being viewed as a defiant Negro a la Sapphire from the old Amos and Andy show.

            Timothy- Okay, I really don’t have time to be here with you people and go through this whole charade like you have some business that you’re attending to and then we get to voice a few things and after an hour, you then give lip service to our concerns and nothing gets done for three more months.  What I have seen thus far this spring is Tiger lilies.  What about the yellow spots of female dog urine, the Irish lads who are occupying units by our former developer fromIrelandwho has turned over this association to you fine people and pulled the wool over all our eyes.  What about our unfinished porches, leaking roof and plumbing system that backs up constantly.  I want this addressed.  my feeling?  Fuck the Tiger Lilies…  Pardon my language.

            Martha- That’s a good start…  I want to discuss the guy on the third floor in my tier who beats the shit out of his girlfriend constantly and flicks his cigarette butts out of the window onto the grass outside my window.  Now I’m a smoker but not one who pollutes the common area that is here for us all to enjoy.  I have to listen to him yell in Greek or Italian.  He isn’t the owner but a renter of Andy who has moved toWest Germanyto finish his doctorate in something or other.  I don’t understand how people just come and go and we don’t got any say in who rents here.  How do we know if we’re living with criminals?  I know we’re living with rude, women beating slobs.

Johasophat- Is there still aWest Germany?  I thought that died with the tsar.  In any event, Prudence and I are devout Buddhists and we try to meditate at an hour that is convenient for us. The people upstairs have dogs and children that run all night.  I have tried to discuss them being aware of others and respectful.  I know they are trying to do a short sale.  I propose that the association buy their unit and turn it into a facility such as a library or a meeting room, possibly a place where we could meet periodically and really try to cultivate a sense of community.  We all live here.  We are in a sense a family of sorts. 

            Timothy sneered.

 Timothy rides his bicycle to a nearby grocery store that he has worked at since his junior year of high school.  When his grandmother passed, he was left her condominium.  Timothy constantly tells people that he is a land owner and has certain rights under the law that those who just rent, do not have.  Since becoming a land owner, Timothy has become interested in the Tea Party and truly believes President Obama is a foreign born citizen.  He spends his time watching Fox News and looking at his neighbors in his dark living room through a high powered telescope.  Timothy has seen everyone present at the meeting doing things within their apartments that nobody should really know about nor see.  Timothy likes to know a lot about a lot of things.  He has an inquiring mind.

            Martha is a chain smoking woman in her fifties that appears to be in her sixties.  She has three Pug dogs and visits the tavern on the corner occasionally for a beer and to watch baseball games.  Now and then a male patron will engage her in conversation and wind up in her bed for a few hours.  When that doesn’t happen, Martha usually goes home and watches taped episodes of Dancing with the Stars and uses a wide variety of sex toys on herself that she bought on what she calls, “The Dildo Channel”.


            Johasaphat is actually Joe.  Joe gave himself that exotic name upon moving toKoreafor a year.  While inKorea, he met a woman named Jun that took his English class.  Joe gave his wife the name Prudence.  Joe became a Buddhist, a vegan and opened a bookstore devoted to Buddhism.  Joe used to be in a Skinhead band back when he was younger called Vehrmacht.  Joe is still bald but is quite peaceful and loving of all things and all colors now.  He no longer listens to loud and aggressive music anymore.

            Now Timothy interrupted everyone who spoke and muttered little things under his breath until Robert who was always sort of edgy, threatened to beat his ass if he said another word while someone was speaking.  Timothy said he would go to the state board and police if he were attacked physically.

  Johasphat tried to reason with the two men while Martha discussed Dancing with the Stars with Abby who talked about her children.  Georgia took notes and noticed an email on her Blackberry. It was a message she from a man she met through a dating site.  They had several dates and something was growing between them.  The man from the dating site told her that all he could think about was her since the last time they saw one another.  He wanted to know if she was available for dinner on Friday night.  Georgia reread the message three times while the rest of the board discussed and argued about painting, porches, leaking roofs, Irish renters, cigarettes butts and Tiger Lilies.  Georgia responded with the word yes in block letters to the invitation for dinner.  Georgia was a million miles away and in a happier place than her neighbors.  Georgia sat smiling as people complained around her.  She was no longer taking notes.   She was in that place that we all find ourselves when we feel truly drawn to someone and can think of little else except being with that person who has captivated us.  Georgia was in love and nothing else mattered.  And that is really one of the few things that matter in life

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