Blackhumouristpress's Blog

March 29, 2012

Delerium at 36,000 Feet

Filed under: humor,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 10:45 pm
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Terrance had been a pilot in Vietnam and then commercially for Eastern and Pan-Am and a slew of other airlines before they went under.  Terrance had a strong libido for a man in his sixties.  The Asian route was his favorite because he could hit the boat cruises with underage waifs where they would drink and tryout their broken English on him and then they’d consummate the meeting on a mattress somewhere behind curtains.


Marriage had been one of those things that just seemed wrong one day to Terrance upon watching an animal show late one night with a glass of Scotch in his hand.  The male animals disappeared for most of the year except when it became time to mate.  When it was time to mate, a new mate or any mate was acceptable.  The male species would clear it’s head and then take off to do what guys do when they’re together.  Terrance thought to himself while almost fully crocked that humans had it all wrong.  After watching the animal program, he woke his wife and told her that the most natural and correct thing for him to do was to spread his seed anywhere and everywhere and if she wanted to remain his wife, that would be alright.  It wasn’t alright and they soon parted.  Terrance couldn’t have been happier.  The thrill of falling in love for an evening is what Terrance loved most about life.  The variation and selection of different sizes and colors of the women.  Hi, my name is Terrance and I fly airplanes…  Can I buy you a drink?


                Out of the blue, Terrance developed high blood pressure.  Terrance’s parents had high blood pressure and it was a matter of time before he would also.  At the age of sixty two, Terrance began taking high blood pressure medication and then promptly stopped when he realized that it prevented him from gaining and maintaining an erection.  Before long, the high blood pressure killed off his kidneys to do their work.  Terrance had to begin dialysis which meant he would have to retire from work.  Alcohol and a mixture of several medications had a strange effect on Terrance.  He constantly felt as though he was forgetting something and found himself often sitting motionless or hunting for things that he did not even know what it was that he was looking for.  Sort of rummaging for the sake of rummaging in a sock drawer and then getting lost re-reading old love letters from women that he dated for a short period of time.  All those that worked with Terrance knew that the end of his working days were drawing near but nobody realized that something seemed to be off mentally until one sunny day.  When the clouds rolled in.


                “Whatever happened to wooden coffee stirs?  If I wanted a fucking plastic one, I would have dipped my pen in and just stirred the creamer with that.  Do you have any idea, Mr…  What’s your name?”

                “Thomas.  It’s Rich…”

                “Rich…  short for Richard.  I remember when men could call themselves Dick without batting an eye.  Things were happy and gay and it had nothing to do with wanting to corn hole another man.  Things have gotten so dirty and twisted over the years.  We can’t blame it all on Hippies and Nixon, can we?  I mean something happened somewhere that sent a message to men that it was okay to wear frayed jeans and have their goddamn gut sticking out.  Someone sent a message to you young guys that it is okay to dress like pigs and let yourself go.  One way or another, you’ll still get ass and you don’t need to look or act like a gentleman.  Just take a look at these people, Dick.  We are on a plane going to a major city in the United States.  Where did the glamour go in travel?  Women in smart pill box hats and a matching ensemble that hugged her ass just so, so that you had to use your imagination about what you might find under that knee length skirt.  A man in a suit, a man with a hat. Now it’s ball caps all over this goddamn plane.  Who the hell here is playing ball right now?  I don’t give a fuck if you want Ohio State to win some basketball tournament.  That is no reason to parade around like a school boy when you’re middle age…  Is any of this reaching you, Richard?  Wooden coffee stirs is just part of the issue here.  You want to save a tree so you make plastic coffee stirs just to release toxins into your coffee.  It isn’t enough that some sick cow is being jacked up with steroids and antibiotics so that it can produce enough milk, cheese and beef to feed the masses of people living in this goddamn land.  Is it any wonder women today have more facial hair than they used to and young men need something to support their tits?  How is that eight year girls have hips and boobs?  Not enough people are worried about what is really going on here.  You got a job to do and I don’t want to tie you up.  I will have my coffee after you find me a goddamn wooden coffee stir and then we will make it San Diego without incident.”


Rich hunted around and even asked passengers if by chance they might have purchased a coffee in the airport and happened to have a wooden coffee stir.  The announcement made passengers uneasy.  Richard’s effeminate voice quavered and cracked as he spoke due more to the fact that he was getting over a cold.  People began to wonder what kind of a strange question was that to ask.  A large hum rose in the plane.  Terrance told his co-pilot to take over as he opened the cockpit door and stormed towards the passengers like an angry parent.

                “I don’t know what is going on here but I can tell you that if anyone has any strange notions about overtaking this plane for any sort of reason or belief, I can tell you that you will meet your maker sooner than later.  I’ve been closer to death than this on a random Tuesday so I will tell you calmly now to pipe down and sleep, read a magazine or re-read your text messages and don’t make things hard for yourself or Dick here.  His job is to make your trip as facile as possible…  Do we have an understanding, people?”

                Terrance suddenly felt flush and he could feel his pulse in his eyes.  He plopped himself back down in his chair, looked at his co-pilot and calmly told him that they needed to go back.  The co-pilot asked Terrance to elaborate on where they were going back to and for what.

                “Joe, you never served.  Your generation only served themselves.  If I say we have to go back, it is because it is the right thing to do between one human being and another.  You wouldn’t want to be left in the lurch would you, Joe?  You probably threw a fit when your mother wasn’t waiting in the minivan for you when soccer practice was over.  You cannot appreciate waiting.  Try to step outside yourself for a second, Joe and you’ll understand where I’m coming from…”

                Terrance grabbed  the microphone, flipped the  switches and made an announcement to all the passengers.  Terrance sounded sane and scripted accept for what it was that was coming out of his mouth.

                “Attention, this is the captain speaking.  We are cruising at an altitude of 36,000 feet and have a strong enough tail wind to get us to Saigon early.  Sit back and relax and we should be arriving in Vietnam ahead of schedule.  I have taken off the fasten seat belt sign.  Be sure to keep your belt on incase of any unexpected turbulence while seated.”

                There were several doctors that evaluated Terrance including psychiatrists and the FBI.  Everyone came to the same conclusion that the perfect storm occurred within Terrance’s body to create a delirium capable of making the frightening situation what it was for passengers and the crew: High blood pressure medication, Scotch and Viagra.

March 15, 2012

1933 Again

Filed under: humor,obama — blackhumouristpress @ 6:23 am
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The president, a precedent plays a violin at the funeral pyre in a

Quagmire, bonfire Koran, Iran and Little Kim has a little hand on the button

In a strange land north of Seoul.


I don’t know what we don’t know and there are things we know we know.

Election year- vote for so and so– there are things we do not know that we don’t know- goo goo j’goob.


I’m a 99, you’re a 99.  They got yours, they got mine.

It’s futile like feudal between haves and halves of halves and fractions of factions and commercial break distractions.


G8- ain’t it grand? Liquid gold in the sand to be mobile or Mobil/Exxon

the hex on the White House and greenhouse gas.


The hero is zero, living intestate with a falling interest rate

Trying to compensate for millions losing their estate.  So what’s our fate?


We have nothing to fear but fear itself

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