Blackhumouristpress's Blog

July 12, 2012

Romney Meets the NAACP

Filed under: humor,Mixed Race,obama,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 3:54 pm
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                As Mitt Romney took the podium in front of a gathering of the NAACP, the song, It’s Your Thing by the Isley Brothers blared through speakers throughout the auditorium.  Mitt smiled and waved as he waited for the song to stop while gripping the podium with white knuckles with his left hand.

                “ I feel a bit like Fidel Castro facing the John Birch Society, Jesse Jackson at a Klan rally or W in front of …  A room full of scholars.”

                There was a polite chuckle from the audience at Mitt’s attempt at easing into an uncomfortable situation.

                “There is the saying that one is damned if they do and damned if they don’t and really that is the boat I am in today.  Nobody likes to waste one’s time or waste one’s mind…  For that really is a terrible thing.  I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today and I’m not really sure what I am here for except to provide cannon fodder for the press to exploit the fact that I am nervous and out of my element.  I don’t think there is one person in this room who will be voting for me and I can respect that.  I could explain to you the differences between me and my opponent but to beat a dead horse is silly really.  I believe in being frank and direct.  Call a club a club and a …  shovel a shovel…”

                Mitt took a drink of water and momentarily studied stern looking faces and folded arms.  He took a deep breath and waited for the teleprompter to illuminate the substance of what he needed to say to the conventioneers.  The teleprompter appeared to be off.  Mitt had no notes in front of him and the screen was black. No pun intended.  A sudden moment of panic caused his body to feel flush.  His heart pounded, his hands slightly trembled.  The words flowed from his mouth like water from a broken pipe or watery feces from an asshole.

                “The Republican Party started more or less due to the fact that we believed you people should not have been slaves and servants to anyone.  A white man or any other sort of man other than black or white…  It has been since the Great Depression that things have changed for people of color…  Your color that is and the Republican Party.  With us riding the crest of a second Great Depression, I believe it is time for you to return home…Like it was during the Civil War… In that I mean that the ties between Negros and Republicans was strong and could and should be again as I stand before you today.  Nearly four years of hope and change that has not arrived and I’m hoping you may change your minds or open your minds up to a change that could help keep hope alive and even flourish and prosper.  I still believe in this country where if you assert  yourself, you can be anything you really want.  Look at Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas…  They should be shining beacons for all people and your race in particular.  They beat the Bell Curve and showed that you don’t need to be a misogynistic Rap artist to make it in this land…  You might not see it this way but among white people, Mormons are a bit of a pariah.  We were chased out and discriminated against going back to Joseph Smith.  There are still those that would rather vote for the other guy strictly over my religious beliefs.  I believe I understand what it is to be a minority and to be discriminated against…  the more things change, the more they really don’t change all that much…”

                Suddenly the teleprompter began to work again.   A light went back on in Mitt’s head as if there had been some sort of a juggling, bumbling comedy act  by candlelight that gave way to an awesome light show, with glamour, glitz and slight of hand.

“If equal opportunity in America were an accomplished fact, then a chronically bad economy would be equally bad for everyone, Instead, it’s worse for African Americans in almost every way…  And that is why I am going to eliminate every non-essential, expensive program that I can find — and that includes Obamacare.”

            And with that, the afternoon tea party with the NAACP concluded. Fait accompli.

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