Blackhumouristpress's Blog

October 23, 2012

The Final Debate or Lions, Tigers and Da Bears

            The Washington’s, no relations to Harold the former first black mayor of Chicago or George the first white president of the United States that they are aware of but then again you never know, were sitting in their living room after work, school and dinner.

            LincolnWashington, the patriarch got a job at Mc Donald’s as junior in high school.  Lincoln would take a Woodward Avenue bus from a rough section of Detroit and when you are talking about a rougher than average area of Detroit, it would be in the running with some of the most dangerous areas in the world.  Be that as it were, Lincoln found a job in the suburbs and started at $3.35 an hour in 1983 by 2012, Lincoln owned two franchises of his own.  Lincoln drove a Lincoln Navigator and his wife drove a Chrysler 300.  Lincoln set his wife Mi’chelle up with a day spa in downtown Detroit near the casinos, ball parks and Greektown.  One could get their nails done and the stress of American life kneed out of their backs while listening to Kenny G and a waterfall within a small cubical.  The Washington’s were ahead of the American curve and living the American dream.

            Lincoln and Mi’chelle had two children, Tonisha and Dwight.  Tonisha, the eldest, left Detroit and immigrated to South Africa.  She wanted to be part of the transformation in the new South Africa.  While going to school in Capetown, she met a handsome young man who surfed and was an heir to a winery.  So much for bonding with true black Africans and taking up their struggle.  Tonisha married a blond haired blue eyed Afrikaner who surfs for a living and does part time promotional work for his father’s winery.  Their mixed race children run around the beach.  The two boys like to play Rugby and surf and hunt with their grandfather Pieter way out in the bush.

            Dwight, who was named after a former American president, received a scholarship to the University of Chicago and bought a bean pie one day from a clean cut looking young man on StoneyIsland on Chicago’s south side, became his friend and eventually joined the nation of Islam.  Dwight returned to Detroit to try and transform poverty sticken areas and convert hopelessly poor people to the Nation of Islam.

 Tonisha was in bed asleep in Capetown when the final debate started. She fell asleep wondering how she was going to get her hair done, get Fredrich to his Cricket practice and Wilhelm to his Rugby match all at the same time.  The next president of the free world never entered her mind.  Meanwhile in Detroit, Michigan, her family sat glued to the television.

            “I got it right here what Romney actually said about the auto industry.  It’s on the internet for everyone to look up and find.  How can that man bold face lie about something that is in print for everyone to find for themselves?”  Said Lincoln.

            “I wish you’d hush… That man is your president.  Your president went out on a limb and saved this town from going outta business.  He believed in the auto industry and believed in Detroit and you still standing behind a white man who didn’t even believe you were a human being until 1978.” Said Mi’chelle.

            “It’s been 4000 years since white people came from Africa and Africans to go into the world and become the pasty white devils that they are.  Black people are duped and herded by the Jewish agenda.  Jews have us buying into believing that they carry the struggle of the black man with them.  How many poor blacks do you see? Now how many poor Jews do you know?”  Said Dwight.

            “Boy, hush up…  Sammy Davis Jr. was as black as he was Jewish.” Said Lincoln.

            “How can I respond to that sort of a comment?  Where is the logic, dad?  The Candy Man was a black Jew so we should all become Jews?”  Asked Dwight.

            “No, I’m asking you to hold your tongue so we can hear what the men have to say.  Ron Paul ain’t going to be the next president no matter how much you and Farrakhan want him in.  It’s going to be one or the other and you might as well get used to it.” Said Lincoln.

            The president and Mitt Romney went on to sell themselves on the American public on who would be a better man to serve the nation’s interests and needs.  Lincoln sat in his chair strategically in front of the television, Mi’chelle sat on the couch while Dwight leaned with arms folded against the wall of their 4,000 square foot home that was insulated by the fact that at 14 Mile Road and Telegraph Road, they were a great distance from the blight and hopelessness that the average Detroiter lives with day in and day out.  Quiet and desolate streets appearing to be a ghost town among abandoned homes or slabs of concrete where homes used to be where sparsely scattered homes inhabited by trapped people whose plight will not change whether the president is a Republican or Democrat.  At 14 miles from the center of downtown Detroit, there was low unemployment, well kept homes with manicured lawns, nice cars and children playing outside.  The difference between living and surviving could be found within fourteen miles.  The difference between the first world and the third world, the invisible and not invisible, haves and have-nots all within just 14 miles.

  The father, mother and son agreed to disagree.  The father wanted a man who was a good business man to run the country like a prosperous business.  The mother wanted to stay the course and follow a man who inherited a tremendous mess and believed he was doing well considering the hand he was dealt and then there was their son.  Their son was rebelling against his parents who embodied the true essence of the American dream; follow your dreams, work hard and you will prosper.  Like any bored and privileged suburban young man who is underemployed and still living at home, Dwight was raging against the status quo.  Idealism eventually gives way to reality with maturity or when bills need to be paid was what Lincoln quietly concluded to himself about his son.

 The debate ended and Lincoln turned the television on to the football game between The Detroit Lions and the Chicago Bears just in time to see the Lions fail to score.  At the one yard line with less than three feet from the end zone and six points, the Lions fumbled the football.  The family winced collectively and then they were quiet for a moment.  Things appeared to be returning to the way things had been in Detroit for a long time after a great football season the year before.

            “I think we can all agree on one thing…  The Lions are still the same old Lions.  Thank god for the Tigers.”

October 16, 2012

Between Auckland and Oakland or Why Get Married?

Filed under: Detroit,humor,obama,Oprah,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 6:33 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Uncle Boog sat at the bar waiting for his nephew, the youngest son of his older sister.  Boog was a drill sergeant in the Army who after five tours of duty, was sent to North Carolina to whip future recruits into soldiers.  Boog sat watching the debate between Mitt Romney and President Obama with aviator shades on, uniform and drill sergeant hat.  People in the establishment looked at the bizarre character and wondered who he was and why he was there.  Boog was waiting for his nephew.  The youngest son of his older sister.  I think I mentioned that already.

Boogard went by the name Boog because Clarence was just not tough enough and so, since the age of six, Clarence was called Boog.  If you want a fight with a tough man, call Boog by his birth given name.

Joe walked in to see his uncle starring intently at the television.  Joe patted Boog on the back.  Boog turned quickly and grabbed the wrist of his nephew and twisted it.  Upon recognizing his nephew, he released his hand and pulled a stool out for him to sit.  Boog slid an envelope with $1,000.00 in it to Joe and explained that he could not bring himself to attend his wedding but wanted to give him a boost in the form of money instead of a gift.

“Your mom mentioned a registry…  I had never heard of a registry.  I came to find out you picked all your stuff at Crate and Barrel.  I stood in line with a list of stuff that your girl picked out behind two queers that wanted to return a Dutch oven.  I suddenly looked around and noticed all the people in the place were queer.  Messy fucking hair like rodents ran around on top of their heads, horn-rimmed glasses and tight pants.  A man should sound like a man even if he fancies another man.  You were born a man, act like a man.”

The bartender brought an orange colored beer to Joe as Boog drank a glass of red wine.  Joe laughed at the hard man drinking red wine.  For as macho as Boog was, holding a glass daintily, swirling the glass and sniffing it seemed almost surreal to Joe.

“Wine?  I got hooked on it in Germany.  I was seeing a fraulein who got me on the stuff.  She wanted to marry and have me take over her father’s farm near Bavaria.  I’m no marriage material.  I look at people and they think they’re going to be happy legally chaining themselves together until they realize that guys are lazy and chicks are borderline nuts at any given time.  You got a guy getting fat and soft, watching athletes in their prime going at it like gladiators for their enjoyment which detracts from their boring lives.  Getting fat and soft in a lazy-boy and the old lady is disenchanted with the fact that he doesn’t want to do nothing or go anywhere.  She gets upset and eats, he gets tired and eats.  They have less sex and then it becomes nearly impossible for him to have sex so he gets Viagra so that he can have sex again after getting a membership to a gym.  He’ll put his fat ass on a treadmill and walk for a few weeks and get despondent over the fact that he still looks like a sack of shit.  So he says fuck it…  I’m going to have wings and beer and watch sports and she can just go fuck herself.  Well she’s not fucking herself.  She goes out and gets in shape.  She sees that Oprah ran a marathon and so she does a 5k then a 10k and has confidence to go out and have a chocolate-tini with her less than satisfied suburban soccer mom friends who are also angry about their less than favorable marriages that has come way under there vision and expectations that go back to the days when Ken and Barbie met and married in their bedrooms on rainy days…  I’m not trying to dissuade you.  You might be just fine.”

Boog ordered another Carmenere that cost $12.00 a glass.  He studied the bottle and decided that if he got the chance, he would have to visit Chile.  He had admired Pinochet and the days when the CIA could depose a head of state and prop up a puppet for national interest.  Boog hated the way the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were handled.  Boog was part of the group that had to replace the crew at Abu Graib.  One of the female American soldiers was caught trying to sexually service the inmates that were trying to kill her.  Boog hated people.  Discovering something so perverse just solidified his ill view of humanity.

“So he’s getting out of shape and she’s running races and before you know it, some dude at a bar from New Zealand is buying her drinks and talking about how wholesome his life was raising fucking sheep in a town near Auckland.  She loves his accent and doesn’t care that his wife misunderstands him and that he lives in Oakland.  She doesn’t know the difference between Oakland and Auckland and that New Zealand is not Australia and that the suave motherfucker with the Geico accent is hoping to land her like an aircraft on autopilot.  Her old man is watching Rutgers playing some fucking school you never heard of or ever considered going to at home in a chair and the Kiwi is trying to sell her cock and his cleaning products that he peddles for a living all at the same time.  She never questions why he is living in Detroit if New Zealand is paradise and why he walked away from a million acres of land looking over the Pacific Ocean.  He came to America to sell industrial cleaning supplies while looking at the Detroit River?  My advice to you, son is to stay off the lazy boy.  You may have to go to Ikea and take Salsa Dancing lessons.  You have to try to follow the vision she has in her head of what marriage is supposed to be.  After you spawn a few kids, her attention will turn to the kids.  You then dedicate your lives to raising a spoiled little fuck that will sass you and claim you ruined their lives one day while sitting at a bar talking to someone.  Who do you know that doesn’t hate their parents or feel their parents came up woefully short?  We all have expectations of things and how they should be.  We feel short changed and then go and watch sports or drink in lounges like this one.  I married and I shouldn’t have.  I took this bad job and really I have always wanted to be a nude scientist or what have you.  We work until we aren’t functional and then we get senior discounts for shit just for living long enough to not be worth anything to people younger than us.  We then gloss over days gone by and how things were so much better and how the youth are going to kill this country…  You look at these two assholes wanting to be president of this country and for what?  So they can be on a coin or dollar bill some day?  So fat children can have the day off from school to sit cooped up in an apartment and watch television and eat partially hydrogenated shit causes it’s too dangerous to go outside and celebrate that old dead president’s life…  So where you going for your honeymoon?”

Blog at