Blackhumouristpress's Blog

December 11, 2012

Santa’s Pyramid Scheme For God

Filed under: humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 7:49 am
Tags: , , , ,

Edgar was voted the best Santa Claus in the Midwest portion of the United States.  Rarely was there a child that sat upon his lap with slits for eyes, mouth wide open, arms reaching towards an observing parent with a wail of torture coming from a reluctant toddler. Kids loved Edgar.

Now Edgar was not a pedophile but he did have a quirky thing that got him off and that was having a human sit upon his lap.  Male or female, young or old, it did not matter.  It did not take Edgar long to climax and reload.  Edgar wore Depends so that none of the children or cute mothers who coyly opted to sit on his lap for a seductively cute photo to send to all their friends, would inadvertently become wet themselves.  As twisted as this was, Edgar was a hit everywhere he went and malls would queue up to hire him for ridiculous amounts of money just to have him camp out in front of their stores.

Edgar had all sorts of people approach him and despite the magical seasonal essence of being a special bearer of gifts to all good Christian children, as often is the case, adults lose sight of what Christmas really means.  Christmas to the throngs of non-religious, American consumers, who help to keep the internal dynamo of consumer spending in motion, has nothing to do with Jesus or his birthday. Edgar was amused during a cigarette break by a man named Jack, so much so that he donated his fifteen minute break in the cold Midwestern air to listening to a round about sales pitch.


“Santa…  Hope you don’t mind me calling you Santa.  You got a great thing here.  The kids line up for hours just to talk to you and take photos…  I don’t know how you do it but you’re good.  Really good.  Not to change the subject, but have you seen the movie called The Way?  It’s with Martin Sheen and his non crazy son, Emilio?”

“I don’t watch movies.  I’m sort of a Fox News junky…”

“I would never have guessed that about Santa…  Anyway, I think if you get a chance, you should watch it.  It is really a life lesson, eye opener.  We do all this planning for life and really the journey is life.  We’re living it every moment yet we plan for big things that often never come.  Health is so important and yet we Americans come in droves to eat in food courts such as this one, eating nothing but pure shit and then stroll around entertaining ourselves with purchases of other pure shit we really don’t need.  I mean those of us born into believing that god allowed his son to be killed to cleanse us of our sins so that we could have everlasting life.  I disdained the thought for many years until at Thanksgiving a few years back, our family dinner turned into a blood bath; shoot out whereby I nearly lost my life.  Picture blood oozing out of my chest and a woman massaging my heart so that it would not stop.  You’re looking at someone that should be dead right now and for that reason, I am a religious man and do understand the sacrifice the Son of God made for all of us. I live each moment to the fullest and no detail goes unnoticed any longer”

“That must be exhausting… Go on”

“Well Santa, I am a retired officer of the law who is deeply religious now and understand that everything in everyday has some deeper meaning that we miss by always looking forward…  Are you into Indy racing?”

“Not really…”

“Well I’m going to write down this short video made by my company for the Indy races.  You might have seen people driving around with signs on their car for a product called Monavie…  I represent this product and company.  I believe in the miracle of this product as I do god.  This product is so good and can prevent so much of the toxins we regularly take in from doing us harm internally.  I don’t have samples today but after you watch this video on line, I can stop by maybe during a break and have you try a sample of the various products that are all natural and are in the process of being FDA approved.”

“They’re not approved yet by the FDA?”

“Not yet.  But when it is, guys like you and me are going to be sitting pretty.   All I’m asking you is to try it.  If you like it, we can work out a deal as a team”

“A team?”

“A team that is one step ahead of all other juices.  We could be in partnership selling motivational aids to help MonaVie vendors move the juice.  You can earn back the $258 you would need to spend on the motivational lectures by selling $39 juice bottles; you could earn it back in another way—getting people to buy $258 motivational lectures. If you’re good and I see for myself that you are top notch, you can sell the lectures to other people, who sell them to yet others. Everybody gets rich.  Everybody needs money and everyone comes out ahead.”

Santa put out his cigarette and smiled as he exhaled a puff of blue smoke.  Jack anxiously awaited Santa’s answer.  Santa asked a question instead.

“Okay…  Now let me ask you about your walk with god.  I hear often about what god tells people to do.  Is god also a partner of this Monavie thing too?”

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