Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 2, 2013

Yelping Life

Filed under: humor,obama,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 6:55 am
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As I look around and see that everyone believes that they are a credible critic on everything from restaurants to technicians that did miserable work at doing laser work to crotches, I believe I can adequately guide people through life.  Hiding behind a computer without a voice or a face, makes being bold with my opinions all the more easier.  Such is Yelp.

Youth- not much you can do here.  You’re at the mercy of those who brung you.  I was a product of a gun crazed Vietnam Veteran and a free loving Hippy.  I don’t own a gun but feel as though I have a gun to my head anytime I feel compelled to utter the phrase, “I love you”.  The word “love” was tossed around like a floozy in a flophouse.  From one parent I heard that love is all that is needed and from the other a gun will straighten out the Commie loving, tree, owl and whale hugging, hairy legged, bra and flag burning, anti-establishment, anti-Christ, latent homosexuals who don’t know that they live in the best goddamn country this world has ever known and as long as the blacks, browns and yellows understand their place and don’t try to rock the boat, nobody gets hurt.  Amen…  I love you.

Adolescence- mix a disdain for parents, with a disdain for authority, a lack of consistency, a dash of no hope and the urge to have sex ever fifteen seconds.  High school guidance counselors are always available for those who are on track to score high on the SAT, on student council and yearbook committee.  Those that might drop out or drop under should really find a skill like becoming a repo man, tow truck driver, bouncer or so on.  Your guidance counselor is also the varsity football coach.  Unless you are going out for the team or are a cheerleader, there is very little to discuss.  He could tell you that as an average sized, white child with average athletic ability, you need to spend three to four hours a day kicking a football through a giant tuning fork in a large field.  That large tuning fork could be the key to your success.  You could very well earn a great living at the most cherished thing in Americana until you are in your early forties if you develop into one who can put three points on the board consistently as a field goal kicker.  Your guidance counselor wanted to be a doctor and then settled to be a pharmacist and when he drank too much and had a poor GPA, decided to go into education; to help mold and form the youth into tomorrow’s society.  Or to just earn a paycheck.

Adulthood- For men, Adulthood does not truly begin until the age of thirty and if you are living in your mother’s basement, living off the tit and making college a fifteen-year plan, adulthood begins for you at about thirty-five.  For women it generally begins when binge drinking and random acts of fucking take a back seat to finding a suitable mate to replicate your species with, create a nest and visit Ikea with on weekends.  Like the current work environment, most Americans stay at a job five years or less and then upgrade.  Americans now have starter marriages and are more focused on having a wedding than a marriage.  Men soon learn that a female changes drastically upon becoming a mother and that for the most part; they have fulfilled their biological duty by planting a seed.  Joining groups of other males to detract from the mundane suburban hell treadmill of matrimony, paternity, and monogamy with alcohol and sports, helps to keep hope and sanity on the horizon.  Disenchanted wives and mothers visit children’s museums with other disenchanted women and form play dates and plan women’s nights out in order to vent about the woefully poor job the male species is doing to help maintain a household.  They fawn and flirt with the marginally functional male server who is hot and is juggling four girlfriends and laughs at the thought of banging one of the soccer mom in her minivan after closing with the stick figure sticker silhouettes of the entire family holding hands on the back window of Chrysler.  Oh um…  The mister might be receiving fellatio in the back seat of his Volvo station wagon with a 26.2 sticker and an Obama “Hope” sticker across town.  Hope we all find our way despite it all.

Elderly- The AARP card, discounts to the buffet, free coffee at Mc Donald’s while you’re put out to pasture at the age of fifty for a younger more efficient and pliable model.  Heart disease, hypertension, poor circulation, diabetes and obesity.  Who had time to exercise during the fifty years of work?  Who had time to eat correctly?  Who had time to really take the time to understand and guide their kids during formative years?  Who had the desire to connect to a mate at the end of the day when the cloud of work and debt hung like an ominous storm cloud ready to decimate at a moment’s notice?  B-52, AK-47, M-16, C-3PO, H1N1…  Bingo!

So in conclusion, I give life 1 and ½ stars.  Like everyone else, I blame everything out of my control on the result of life.  With that in mind, I would not trade my life for yours.  I see you in lines at the Starbucks or on the train and thank god or luck of the draw that I am who I am.

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