Blackhumouristpress's Blog

February 27, 2013

The Magic Bag

Filed under: humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 1:13 am
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Nobody who thought they knew Roy, knew that such a simple man was in fact quite complex as he was diverse. Roy raised Bloodhounds and started a cremation service for dogs. Roy was a deacon in his church and belonged to a group of men who claimed to not be bi-sexual or gay but networked on a site that matched smallish men who dressed like women with straight men who just liked anal sex without attachments, no pun intended. Roy loved photography and playing Bluegrass music on the banjo. Roy was xenophobic but went to Russia to find a teen bride, married her and brought her back to

their double wide trailer in north-west Indiana, some thirty miles from Chicago.

Lubimira had been thin and then morbidly obese but had the face of an eastern orthodox angel. Lubimira upon Roy’s death, came to learn that she was destitute. Roy was found in a small motel room, his nostrils and mouth duct taped shut, naked and handcuffed hands to ankles with a large zucchini lodged in his ass. It could not be determined if the zucchini or suffocation killed Roy. Either way, it would be a bad way to go. The Craig’s List ad that he answered, was nothing more than a lure to rob some sick bastard who was hoping to have sex with a small, young Asian man in a dress. When the robbers discovered that all that Roy had was a pack of cigarettes and a few singles, they became very angry. The agreement that for $300.00, Roy could do whatever he wanted for as long as he wanted. Both sides had other ideas.

Lubimira was faced with loads of debt, back taxes and foreclosure. When one is hungry, broke and desperate, they look to make quick money. Lubimira found urns and urns filled with the ashes of dead dogs in the crematorium that Roy created out of their garage. She opened an urn and poured the contents onto the floor as she cried tears of fear, anger and frustration. She had come to America for a better life, not a complex, fucked one. Her tears beaded up on the ashes. She grabbed a handful of ashes and squeezed them in her hands as she screamed. As she gasped for breath, the ashes went up her nose. Lubimira wiped the ashes from under her nose when for no reason, the idea of mixing the ashes with methamphetamines and sell it as a new age cure for a plethora of ills that plagued humanity. Lubimira stopped crying, rushed to her medicine cabinet and began to go to work. After several trials less that the FDA might do, Lubimira set out to write a Craig’s List ad to market her wonder product. This is how the ad read.

I HAVE CREATED AN ALL NATURAL CURE FOR ANOREXIA, OBESITY, ADHD, SWEATING, HEADACHES, RAPID BREATHING, LOW AND HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, CONSTIPATION AND DIARRHEA. NO MORE BLURRED VISION, TWITCHING, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, TREMORS, DRY SKIN OR ACNE. REGULAR USE IS GUARANTEED TO PREVENT HEART ATTACKS, STROKES, DEATH AND MOOD SWINGS. THOSE IN TUNE AND IN TOUCH WITH THEIR SPIRIT AND SOUL CAN AND WILL DISCOVER THE BENEFITS OF A PRODUCT THAT IS FOR THE OPEN MINDED WHO ARE READY TO EXPERIENCE INCREASED LIBIDO, CONFIDENCE, INCREASED POSITIVE ENERGY AND CONCENTRATION. IF YOU DO NOT FIND THAT YOU ARE LESS IRRITABLE, LESS ANXIOUS AND LESS AGGRESSIVE WITHIN ONE A WEEK, WE WILL DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK AND CUT IT IN HALF.

It took the better part of a year before federal authorities discovered Meth and dog ashes were being sold as a wonder inhalant to improve life. Nobody who bought the product was actually harmed in fact the mystery substance was only discovered when a pet lover noticed the magic bag looked a lot like her pet Portuguese Water Dog that had been cremated a few years back. People with a lot of time on their hands will make it their quest to right a wrong even if they really don’t want the wrong to be righted. So was the case with the reclusive dog lover who had pictures of herself with the dog in Europe, Texas and Arizona on all of the walls to her apartment.

Did Lubimira love Roy? Did Roy love the men he was with and did he love Lubimira? Did the reclusive woman love her dog or just need companionship the way Roy did, the way Lubimira did? Is it wrong if something that works is a bit gross? There is no moral message here. Whatever it takes. Whatever works.

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February 12, 2013

Supernova

Filed under: humor,poem — blackhumouristpress @ 8:21 am
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Have the audacity to hope that the cross hairs of the scope don’t shear the last fibers of that rope we cling to, we sing to because America has talent as it does empathy, knowledge and understanding that only a supernova can save us from global warming and ocean front property coming to Pittsburgh.

 

Preservatives additives and a laxative that helps us relax a bit from the chaos of the protestant work ethic, cut throat, only the strong survive, origin of species, mercury in our feces, survival of the fittest, standard bearer of the free world which all hope to emulate in their quest for freedom, wisdom and saturated fats while we kill to help free hearts and minds of people in a land that looks like Mars.

 

Iran and Iraq- Iraq-an the future looks grim.  What did we win?  Deposing the only tamers capable of keeping order in a land made of sand with dinosaur gold deep within made to fuel the new V-8 with televisions on the back of every headrests that cause our minds never to rest from the extra-sensory emissions of embedded code words that subliminally make us the great consumers that we are.

 

I had my right hand over my heart from the start before the super bowl while the meter runs on this super hole of money thrown into a black hole that builds and builds until it sucks everything in, explodes and creates that supernova- a brilliant ending that can be viewed from a far.

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