Blackhumouristpress's Blog

April 2, 2013

The Boy From Yorba Linda or The Second Coming of Nixon

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 10:16 pm
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In early 1974, Dr. Henry Kissinger while having drinks with a fellow German expatriate, got to talking about the content of the Nixon tapes, future of the Republican Party and cloning while having cocktails in a D.C. lounge of a hotel.

The two German men agonized over the future of their adopted land. If not Nixon than who could lead their party and nation into the future? Both men agreed that there was nobody as intelligent and suited for the political arena quite like Richard Nixon. Since the days of the Red Scare, Ike and unbridled American growth and prosperity, the Republican Party had floundered. Advanced minds had to ensure the survival of America as it should be and as the Republicans had made it.

“Vat vood eet mean ethically to clone someone? To allow someone to leeve twice een a sense… Vat do you think, herr Doctor?”

“Ethics? There ees no such thing as ethics, mein doctor. There ees thee thin veil of the appearance of somezing acceptable and palatable for zee common everyday slob who seets een front of a television and allows a talking head like Valter Conkrite to steer their emotions and sentiments… So een short, mein doctor… Fuck vat the people might think. This ees for their own goods. Intelligent people run the voorld. Intelligent people make things happen.”

So it was that the genetic physiologist who was content making duplicate sheep, set out to find a good candidate to house the seed of Richard Nixon. The woman they found was a tall woman who was interested in having a baby for the sum of $100,000.00 knowing that she would not keep the child. The baby was born in Yorba Linda, California, in a very rudimentary building that was in an industrial park next to small factories that made plastic toys for adult pleasure and duped super 8 adult films, the second coming of Richard Nixon had taken place. Baby Nixon was born healthy and whole and was taken across country to live with a rich Republican fund-raiser whose wife’s seed could find no purchase. The couple lovingly raised the homely boy as their own for a good six months before a horrible gun accident killed the couple in their own living room.

“I told you that I do not want fire arms in this house with the baby around. Everyday you read about people who get killed inadvertently by a loaded gun.”

“If I told you once, I told you a million times; the communists are hopped up and roaming the streets of D.C., do you want one of them to kill us and rob us? The communists have not been the same ever since getting the right to vote and the death of Martin Luther King.”

“You are a silly man. Why call the coloreds, communists? That’s your code word that nobody can figure out? I want these guns out today.”

And with that, the gun discharged and put a hole in her husband’s forehead and out the base of his spine the size a golf ball. She was so grief-stricken by what she did that she immediately turned the gun on herself. The Mrs.’s gay coiffure who came to the house weekly to do her hair, entered the house to find the baby playing on the floor alone, not far from two pools of blood. The hairstylist thought about what to do and decided that the thing to do was put on a pair of rubber gloves, collect all evidence of a child living in the home and take the child to raise as his own with his communist partner. Once again, fuck ethics.

The seed of Richard Nixon grew up with the name Martin John Lipshultz-Jefferson. He was named after Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy and then took the last name of his white and Jewish father and of his other black dad.

Young Martin John was bright and a talented piano player but aspired to be a lawyer and wanted to serve the people. Martin John applied to Duke University, received a degree in law, met a Quaker woman, bought a dog and named it Checkers and before long, Martin John was a promising congressman from Orange County California. It was in a D.C. hotel that Dr. Henry Kissinger and the infamous physiologist met the congressman and greeted him like proud parents. The only two people in the entire world who knew that knew that Martin John Lipshultz-Jefferson was in fact the second coming of Richard Nixon. Dr. Kissinger took Martin John’s hands in his own like a proud father and spoke softly and prophetically.

“Vee need you to run for president in 2016. Vee need you to resolve issues Weeth China and end thee vaars we have no business fighting. Thees man who ees running these country into the ground ees nothing but a criminal… Are you up to zee task of being president, son?”

“It’s so strange that you ask. I have wanted to be president ever since my two fathers signed me up for a pottery class. I can remember making clay pots on a wheel for my two father’s gift for Father’s Day and suddenly thought about being the president one day. It was during the impeachment hearings of President Clinton… It was at that moment in time that I decided I needed to one day be president. I listened to the president’s lies as a thirteen year old boy during the hearings and I told myself that people have to know that their president is honest. Well I can tell you the People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well, I’m not a crook. I’ve earned everything I’ve got…”

And with that, the two German men began to cry tears of happiness. They hugged each other and hugged the young congressman who had at just that moment decided to launch his campaign for the presidency of the United States of America where all men are created equal… and some are created from DNA of other men. Amen.

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