Blackhumouristpress's Blog

December 16, 2013

True Commercialism

Filed under: humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 10:44 am
Tags: , , , ,

Everyone is bombarded by commercials subliminally everywhere they go in these United States. Words are carefully chosen to entice and draw in consumers like a lure to a fish. If ad people didn’t care to be politically correct, this is what they most likely would say-

Hi, are you living above your means and are incapable of balancing a check book and your life? Give me a call at the number on your screen today. Trust me, if you’re tired of the bullshit calls from companies looking for their money, I can help you file for a bankruptcy. There will be the indignity of having to go into a room with other people who have fucked up their lives but when it all gets discharged like placenta after a child birth, you will feel free and without burden. You’ll be able to answer your phone again and can start the task of ruining your credit again when credit card companies start sending you cards because your credit score, or lack of one is not bad any longer.

Have you ever taken such and such a drug and now have cancer? Call us today at the number on your screen. Be one of millions of others that will split a pot of several million. Drug companies are willing to settle rather than going to trial on bogus health claims. I get 33% of the total take and you will get a portion small enough to possible buy you dinner out of the remaining money. It does not matter that you ate poorly and smoked cigarettes most of your life. We are on your side when it comes to making money. Help us help you to help us ultimately.

Go to your parents and tell them that if they really love you, they will buy the princess doll that does not come with a car, clothes or condo. That’s extra. We want you to aspire to be part of the petite minority of woman who would never be ashamed to remove their clothing for fear of not resembling the thin, leggy, perfectly smiling doll that you grew up having tea with. Make sure you ask to buy the sugary princess cereal that real princess would never eat for fear of getting a fat ass. Oh and your brother, we want him to shoot and destroy things by masked superheroes that are probably on steroids. When the time comes to start another unnecessary war to change the hearts and minds of people that live in a land that resembles Mars that would like to destroy you for watching judge shows, paternity shows and striving to be a Kardashian, you’re brother will at the age of 18, will feel validated for wanting to kill for liberty and justice forever. Amen.

Hey man… You’re white. Your dad was white and his dad was white. They fought in wars to ensure the sort of life that you’ve come to enjoy. We have had no true great white hope since Ronald Reagan left office in 1989 but we’re working on finding someone possibly someone Hispanic who really doesn’t look what most people have come to expect when they think of Hispanic- short, invisible people who ride ten speed bikes to work at fast food restaurants that are dumpy descendants of Mayans or Incas. We are going for possibly a Cuban with strong European looks that one might find on a Spanish speaking Novella. I know we put up crippled war veterans in the past and a millionaire Mormon. We gambled that people would rather have had a Mormon than a black man and we were wrong. We are now pleading to your sensibility. Your kids will be the minority one day. This is the white man’s last stand. Vote Republican before it’s too late. Keep your money in your pocket instead of buying groceries for some poor woman who came from a broken family and is only going to create another broken family herself. Survival of the fittest- winner take all- master race- whatever. You know what I mean. It’s okay to be proud of being rich and white. It doesn’t make you racist. It does make you selfish if you’re not willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with other rich white people. I mean rich and I mean white.

Look, we all know that you spend the lion’s share of your day working. Who has the time and drive to wake up early to exercise and offset the poor diets we have adopted in this land of the free. You’re free to eat Taco Bell when you were designed to hunt and gather. Our bullshit diet is absolutely designed to help you lose weight without exercising just by eating a grapefruit and take a placebo pill that makes you believe that it is speeding up your slowing metabolism. Unless you are disciplined enough to follow our concentration camp diet, you’ll be a depressed fat ass again in no time flat. If you follow our plan, buy our pills, we guarantee that you’ll look better for a while and that is truly better than nothing, right?

You’re almost middle aged or you are but will not admit it. Maybe you have had a divorce or two or several. Somewhere out there, there is someone who you can find, marry and spawn with who at face value is a selfish asshole with a plethora of quirks and hang ups but you will have somebody and after all, we should all be married or aspire to be married to that someone special whether they are really special or not. Maybe you haven’t been laid in a while. Bars are not your scene. Post twenty year old pictures of yourself and claim to be active even if you’re not. Claim to be a casual drinker even if you’re borderline alcoholic. Claim to like walks on the beach even if you’re from Nebraska, play too many video games and don’t even have a ravine near your home. We will absolutely find you someone you will be willing to settle for you and if you are remotely handsome in appearance, we will ask you to look happy in a commercial to help entice other lonely people to spend money in a desperate search to find companionship.


  1. We all know it, but for some reason most of us are suffering from “turnawayfromitanditsnotmyresponsibilitytochangethings-ism’. Not you, tho. Not me either. That’s why I enjoy your blog so thoroughly!

    Comment by Kim Kopoulos — January 6, 2014 @ 5:59 pm | Reply

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