Blackhumouristpress's Blog

November 18, 2014

You Might Be A Racist…

Filed under: humor,humour,poem — blackhumouristpress @ 7:58 am
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You don’t need to wear a swastika or white pointed hat to be a racist.
We all claim to not be the “asshole”- racists are people we all know.

You might be a racist if you lock your car door to the panhandling, toothless crack whore or thuggish hip-hop lad, sagging pants and a straight brim hat.

You might be a racist if you feel the brownish people are here to steal jobs and benefits from true Americans or call all Latinos Mexicans.

You might be a racist if you voted GOP because you think the problems are the epitome of the liberal lesbian manifesto, rainbow inclusive giveaways of section 8, stirring the reactionaries before it’s too late.

You might be a racist if you think it’s okay to call all Asians Chinks. To mock the Indian man at 7-11 and think Muslims will kill themselves to send you to heaven.

You may be a racist if you think all your problems are because of the pink, pasty, blue eyed devils in the burbs, manicured blonds, lawns, giant homes and BMWs along the curbs.

You might be racist, sexist and a misogynist. A homophobic, xenophobic isolationist.
You may not believe this is true- the racist out there is probably you.

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November 4, 2014

Sheep, Rugby and Wide Open Space

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 7:54 am
Tags: , , , ,

Nate was one of those guys that you see at a gas station or mini-market who spends his hard earned money on lottery tickets. You know the guy- scratching something with a coin and asking the Indian proprietor to put twenty here and twenty there while you stand waiting to put twenty on gas, coffee and a pastry.

One day Nate won enough money to change his life. He didn’t want to buy a car or a house in the United States.  He decided being divorced and without children, he was going to do something big- move to New Zealand.  On the last day of work for the state highway, Nate decided to post whatever came to mind on the message boards over the highway that people read near big cities while driving turnpikes, expressways, tollways and freeways before anyone could stop him.  This is what he posted.

734 PEOPLE HAVE DIED DRIVING VEHICLES IN THIS STATE IN JUST FIVE MONTHS. LESS SOLDIERS WILL DIE THIS YEAR AFGHANISTAN THAN ON THE ROADS OF OUR STATE IN LESS THAN A HALF YEAR.

52 MINUTES TO DOWNTOWN. 54 IF YOU KEEP CHANGING LANES THINKING YOU WILL GET AHEAD BUT REALLY YOU WON’T.  TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

THERE IS AN ACCIDENT UP AHEAD…  NOBODY INJURED OR DIED…  EVERYONE WILL STOP TO SEE NOTHING ON THE OTHERSIDE…  SORT OF POETIC, WASN’T IT?

THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TRAFFIC… SOME OF YOU ARE GOING TO VOTE TODAY. YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES.  THE SAME TWO CHOICES THAT YOUR DADDY HAD AND HIS DADDY AND HIS DADDY HAD TOO…  THIS JUST IN- NOTHING WILL FUCKING CHANGE OR AMELIORATE.  I USED THAT WORD BECAUSE IT WAS IN A CROSSWORD PUZZLE TODAY…  AMERLIORATE- NOT THE WORD FUCKING.

ASSHOLE ALERT- THE GUY TRYING TO PASS YOU ON THE RIGHT AT 80 MILES PER HOUR WITH STICK FIGURE FAMILY ON HIS SUV WINDOW, ALSO HAS THE 26.2 STICKER, THE STICKER WHERE HE VACATIONS AND THE COLLEGE HE ATTENDED. IF THE VEHICLE IS YELLOW, HE IS AN EXCEPTIONAL ASSHOLE.

SAY… DOESN’T IT SUCK TO KNOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRAVEL TEN MILES AND IT’S GOING TO TAKE OVER AN HOUR?  RED LIGHTS FOR AS FAR AS YOU CAN SEE.  JUST IMAGINE HOLLAND AND NEW ORLEANS UNDERWATER ONE DAY LIKE ATLANTIS WHEN EVERYONE IN CHINA AND BRAZIL BUYS A CAR TOO.  WE WILL THEN ALL HAVE THE FREEDOM TO GET NOWHERE FAST.  SURROUNDED BY WATER.

THIS IS MY LAST DAY OF WORK AND MY SECOND TO LAST DAY IN THIS COUNTRY. I WILL BE MOVING TO NEW ZEALAND.  WHY?  BECAUSE OTHER THAN THE MOON, THERE IS NOWHERE FURTHER FROM THIS PLACE.  SHEEP, RUGBY AND WIDE OPEN SPACE.

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