Blackhumouristpress's Blog

February 3, 2015

I Believe

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 10:22 am
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A friend from high school who does a lot of theater in New York called me and left me a cryptic message on my voice mail. “Hey it’s me…  Call me, I need you to do me a favor.”  I was intrigued.  This is a guy that I was friends with as a teenager who taught me two songs to play on an upright bass for a variety show in high school.  The songs were Oh Boy and Not Fade Away by Buddy Holly.  It was like sedated Rockabilly and I loved the idea of entering the contest with wannabe Hair band lovers with spandex and Marshall Stacks and no sense of dynamics. We grew up and moved on and he does theater and so he came to Chicago and asked me to write something sincere about what I believe about what I believe.  I stood in a dark theater with three other men and they filmed this.  It played as a hologram over the weekend on Friday and Saturday.  I was all set to make the pilgrimage to downtown Chicago via train on Sunday to view what I did and others when the extreme weather killed it. A snow storm.  I will never see what I did and what others came up with.  My buddy texted me to tell me that mine was good.  He use the word “ringer”.  I spoke from the heart and it was a fun exercise in thinking about things that matter and so this is what I came up with.  Somewhere in New York City, my high school friend Richard Maxwell is doing his thing.  I am honored that he came to town and thought about having me do something with him that mattered to him.  Thanks, Rich.  Here are my thoughts and my side notes added later.

I believe the best days are spontaneous- When you think things are going to be ordinary and mundane, something totally unexpected happens. You meet someone you fall in love with or have one night with that leaves you feeling good about yourself and humanity. You find a hundred dollar bill rolling around in the wind or an extra burger in your take out bag.

I believe holidays with family are good- provided we don’t discuss religion or politics or have to listen to Uncle Asshole only talk and never have him allow others to talk or question anyone on what has happened between Easter and Thanksgiving.

I believe that I want to believe in something after life- Yes… I don’t want to get to the end and see a sign at the end of the tunnel of light that says- “Thanks for your cooperation in keeping order and stability on Earth during your stay. The whole god thing was designed to keep you in line… Sort of like Santa keeps kids in line.” Everlasting hell tends to keep people from killing and aping each other every two seconds.

I believe the most memorable days of life is witnessing the birth and death of someone you love- I was present for the births of my three kids and the death of the most influential person in my life. Being at the gate to welcome them and see them off is the strongest thing you can be apart of.

I believe life is short and gets shorter with age- At 20, I thought that old people were 30 and that I would live to be 40 maybe. I drove fast with out seat belts or helmets and just could not think of anything that could kill me. I was going to live forever.

I believe Americans are shallow- Not all but most. If it makes you feel better, I can speak French but think the French are pompous and their culture is overblown and not the benchmark.

I believe Nixon was the most knowledgable president in my life- Nixon was a smart man who let his paranoia get the best of him. Having Henry Kissinger in his ear probably didn’t help either.

I believe if Fidel Castro had made it into professional baseball, Cuba would have never become communist- If Fidel was as good as Roberto Clemente and made a good buck playing baseball, he wouldn’t have given a fuck what happened in Havana. “Well if I can’t make it playing baseball in America, I’m going to be a dictator that sticks his thumb up America’s ass”

I believe the Cold War was a better era- Reagan, Gorby, west coast hard core punk, Magnum PI… Come on, that was some good shit. You were either with us or against us and the whole globe was divided into allies or foes and if you really paid attention, you could see modern day slavery on the television via live feeds from places like Soweto during unrest in South Africa and never stop to think that the American south was in the same boat just twenty years earlier.

I believe ice hockey is the best sport there is- firstly learn to skate. Then put a stick in your hand. Then control a little disc while keeping your head up so as to see what is coming at you so that you don’t get obliterated. Pass the disc to someone and then get open so that the guy you just passed to can pass back before he gets smacked. It is soccer with hitting and knives on your feet. If you can speak the language, you understand best what is happening. If you never played, your missing out.

I believe you have to exercize to lose or maintain weight- from the “duh” files. Staple your stomach, just eat grapefruits, sit home and watch bullshit on television and somehow it just happens that your look like that smiling chick on the lame stomach machine that only works if you are losing more calories than taking in.

I believe eating well will keep you healthy- um this too… Eat shit and look like shit. Eat well and look good.

I believe old age will not be fun- I’ve yet to meet an old person who said that they love losing most of the people they new from their youth, like depending on strangers and offspring who are annoyed with them, like taking a cocktail of medicine just to make it to the next day, like getting slower, less autonomous and unable to stop pissing in their pants. I don’t believe I’ll beat the curve either.

I believe H.L. Mencken was the greatest American writer- check him out if you haven’t heard of him. He will make you laugh and appreciate really good writing.

I believe I am capable of deep love- and this has nothing to do with just getting a woman to cum but occasionally I strike oil there.  Love is getting donuts for the little fuckers on a Saturday morning, holding hands with the little one while ice skating, making them laugh during a family meal, watching television at the end of a hard day with that person who knows you unlike anyone else and still loves you. It is at moments like that while watching hockey highlights that I like to say, ” I know I joke around quite a bit and am rarely serious but I want you to know that I love you… Please don’t expect me to say this sappy shit too often though. It just weakens the phrase for days when you will really need it.”

I believe I have been a good father- As adults, the big ones still text and have meals with me. I suspect when they start spawning their own kids, they’ll appreciate my efforts even more.

I believe I am a good undiscovered writer- I don’t have time to blow smoke up someone’s ass at some workshop weekend in nowhere Florida, listening to people who got discovered just to learn that their wife had a friend who is married to someone who is a literary agent… Oh, that’s how you got discovered… I know a few mechanics and plumbers and so I just post short shit while I work on longer shit and hope my wife makes friends with someone who knows someone who will find merit in my shit and feed it through the eye of the needle.

I believe I am a good ice hockey player… for my age- I can still keep up with the youngsters. Part of the secret is being intelligent and knowing what you can get away with. Gordie Howe played until the age of 53 professionally. I still have time to be called up.

I believe I am a good bass player- Not everyone I know can play bass. Not everyone I know who plays bass can play a stand up bass. Not everyone I know who can play a stand up bass can sing and play. Of those that can sing and play the stand up bass, not many can play for three hours straight without pissing.

I believe I am in good shape- I can take of my shirt and not apologize

I believe I am a nice person- To those I think will respect and appreciate it and not just look at a kind gesture as a sign of weakness.

I believe i have a bad temper- I have been in a few fist fights. I have broken things that meant something to me including my hands from punching things that don’t give.

I believe in democracy- I don’t know what we have exactly but it’s good to know I will not be put in front of a Sunday afternoon tribunal and stone to death for poking fun at the government or god.

I believe vacations are necessary- Yes… If you got stuck in the snow this past week, you like to think and believe there is something nice out there where you won’t die from the elements if you get locked out. Sand, sun, ocean somewhere away from Americans.

I believe day time television is stupid- Is it any wonder terrorists pick up American feeds and conclude that they need to put us out of our misery.

je crois que c’est possible pour moi de converser en Francais- pouquoi? Peut-etre un jour je voudrais habiter en Quebec. A jouer hockey et parler Francais un petit peu.

I believe most people can be nice- yes… They have the ability within them

I believe there is evil- yes, they have this within them to and like a reverse gear on a car, we all have transmissions within us that can be shifted at a moment’s notice.

I believe the eighties weren’t that bad- no mortgage, no bills, unending supply of food, sleep til noon on weekends, work for beer and concert tickets only. If I could visit for a few weeks, I would go today.

I believe landlines are necessary- no service when you need to make a call sucks. You shouldn’t need to point your phone towards Mecca on a mountain top to make a call or be heard.

I believe organic is a gimmick- I think everything is eventually going to kill me. Even the good shit.

I believe there should be a viable third party to represent the people of the United States- Yes. You get two choices like two doors with brick walls behind them. We keep opening the same two doors thinking that the wall behind it might somehow not be there.

I believe Chicago is a great place to live- I also am quite fond of Detroit which I visit very often for music. Los Angeles is also good to go back to and remember what it was to be young and have my whole life ahead of me.

I believe that Lake Michigan looks like an ocean- It really does.

I believe the best era to live in was the 1950’s- no wars after Ike took over, the suburbs and interstate system was created, one car, two vacations, jobs, pensions and good looking clothes.

I believe it is necessary to be hugged occasionally- yes but not too much please.

I believe in love at first sight- when you know you know.

I believe the New England Patriots cheated- The whole country except the state of Massachutes thinks this too.

I believe it doesn’t matter if the New England Patriots cheated- with all the starvation in the world, does it really fucking matter?

I believe children are important- No jokes here. They are truly a gift if you have one. Enjoy them, they grow up fast and then milk you of resouces without any remorse.

I believe racism still lives- It is the elephant in the country and occasionally things happen that bring attention to it.

I believe every racist makes acceptions- any white person who ever says, “I have this black friend” is the hint. The fact that they have only one acceptable friend of color is because he or she is just a little bit unlike the rest of those people.

I believe wine tastes better than beer- especially American beer. Mule piss in a glass and if it is lite beer it is mule piss sans the calories.

I believe every war after World War II was avoidable- Great Britain dismantled their kingdom after World War II and said, ” ere you go, mate… ave the world. You can be the most powerful nation in the world and stick your bloody fingers up the arses of anyone you bloody well feel deserves it as long as it can be justified for the sake of freedom and democracy” and we’ve deluded ourselves ever since.

I believe men should open doors for women- I know you can do this shit for yourselves but momma taught me this is how it should be. Don’t try to undo this. The next generation will have you doing everything for yourselves.

I believe dying is scary- I try never to think about it in depth. My grandfather who was funnier than me, smarter than me and better looking than me used to say, “there’s no good way out of this”

I believe there is never enough time to do all the things I want to do.- Life is like Disneyland. You cannot do everything there in one day. Do what you can and try to be happy with it.

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