Blackhumouristpress's Blog

April 20, 2015

Racial Profile- Detroit Style

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 4:50 am
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You’ve seen this before two lesbians with a black child that has hair like Buckwheat from The Little Rascals taking a photo with the crying child on Santa’s lap at some mall, somewhere safe in suburban America. Some of you think- It’s great that that little boy has a mommy and mommy to take care of them and love them unconditionally. Others of you think- when that child hits puberty and wants to fit in somewhere among his peers and identify with something that represents who they are, how many times will they hear from others who look like them, WTF?

Rich, well-to-do white people unable to travel a day by train from Moscow any longer to adopt a white child from a orphange in a region of the former Soviet Union which was closer to Fairbanks than Leningrad, resort to other options. Children from Europe, Asia, Central and South America are hard to come by but for some reason, black children either domestic or foreign seem to be plentiful. Occasionally the thought will come to someone- Can black people adopt white children?

Slip Hip Willy was born and raised in a part of Detroit nobody ever visits or sees unless they live or work there. Willy was left in an apartment crying and crying. Back then his name was Michael or Bob or Steven. Nobody is quite sure. Velma never said a word to anyone about entering the apartment below and finding a dead white woman next to a dead black man. It was grizzly- blood, organs sticking out of flesh and flesh attached to blood splattered walls. It was nasty. In the living room on the couch was a small crying boy with blond hair. Velma scooped the boy up and loved him and raised him and life was great for the young boy and his mother who could not conceive a child on her own. Willy’s mother and care giver passed on at a young age from cancer when Willy was a little more than eight years old. Willy went to live a plethora of questionable family members all over Detroit. Willy culturally lived like any other poor black child in a poor area of the poorest big city in the United States- he stole, gambled, took drugs, sold drugs, owned pit bulls, tried Rapping and did jail time several times. So how did Slip Hip Willy get his name, get his fame and fortune and a night club in downtown Detroit? Here’s how it happened.

Handsome Hank raised and sold pit bulls to guys who wanted to make a few bucks. Handsome hired Willy upon getting out of prison to gather up stray cats and dogs to feed to starving fighting pit bulls. Willy would get $50.00 per animal. Word got out about domestic pets being taken from suburban people out on walks. It was on 8 Mile heading east towards Schoener that two Detroit officers saw two gray poodles chained to a pole out in front of a party store/gas station. The sight of two dogs better suited for dog shows than a stroll in Detroit, piqued the interest of Officers Jones and Johnson. Willy came out of the party store with a 40 ounce of Olde English 800 in a paper bag, eating a giant pickle. The two small dogs followed Willy willingly as he ate and drank and walked south of 8 Mile on a side street. Willy had blond corn rows and an oversized Pistons jersey over a plain white t-shirt and a sagging pair of jeans and really white gym shoes. The officers drove along side Willy who was slightly high and slightly drunk. Willy was rapping some inaudible profane lyrics to a rap song you and I never heard of as well as the two former military officers who were part of Detroit’s finest. They asked Willy about the two dogs.

“If I had motherfucking pitbulls, y’all woulda bin up my ass bout having fighting dogs… I got me a dog walking business. I walk dogs foh rich motherfuckers who work during the day and I’m fittin to take dem home soon.”

The officers offered to take Willy by car to the home of the people who hired him to walk their dogs. They knew it was bullshit and Willy was too fucked up to think of something better. He resorted to what he saw black men do with white officers when they’re dead wrong- disrespect authority.

“Man… Fuck you two Uncle Tom motherfuckers. You think you almost white cause you got you a job, a gun and a badge. I ain’t doin shit and you fuckin wid me. I’m fittin to git this shit on my cell phone. Y’all want to see another riot in Detroit? Fuck with me and see what happens.”

The cops destroyed Willy’s cell phone after they tried to cuff him and he fought back. He pushed down one of the two cops to the ground and took off running with the poodles. Officer Jones shot Willy four times in the left buttocks until he fell and writhed as if he was about to perish. Willy didn’t die. The poodles ate his pickle while will laid in a puddle of blood and Olde English 800. It was an open and shut case. A potential dog thief resisted arrest and was shot in the ass trying to flee. A group of men drinking on the front porch of a nearby house filmed the whole episode on their phones. The audio was in audible which was Willy’s fortune and the city of Detroit’s misfortune. A short balding Jewish lawyer with a high-pitched, nasal voice, sold a jury on the fact that Willy was a victim.

“Willy Johnson found the dogs chained up and tried to reason with the officers that he had in fact, found the animals and was inquiring as to whether there was a reward. A poor man raised in inner city Detroit was nothing more than profiled as a thief because of his prior record… Was it necessary for the officers to discharge their weapon at a man fleeing with two small dogs in tow? Was it necessary to shoot not once but four times? Something is wrong with our system when the law becomes unlawful, when the law becomes the judge and jury. Mr. William Johnson will never walk properly again because of this incident and why? I ask you why? Was either officer’s life in danger?”

Slip Hip Willy walked with a jive bounce due to the fact that he had several bullets lodged into nerves around his hip. It was a cool guy, old-time pimp bounce. Nobody looked at Willy’s limp as anything more than a cultural bounce. Willy collected 50 million dollars from the financially strapped city of Detroit. Of course his attorney collected his 33% right of the top but it was still a miracle of life.

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