Blackhumouristpress's Blog

July 16, 2015

10 Things Straight Men Should Not Say or Ask Gay Men Now That We Are All Open Minded

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 2:18 pm
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  1. Okay…  That’s cool…  So are you the catcher or pitcher?  Are you the dude?  Who decides who is what?  Is he taking your name or are you taking his?  What will your kids call you?  Mom, momma, mum, mimzie, mother- Father, dad, dada, daddy, daddio, pops, poppa… or Ed?
  2. That’s cool…  Um so you probably get a lot of ass.  No menstruation issues, monthly hormonal mood swings.  Dealing with other guys who have a lot of desire too, right?  Wait, if you’re the woman’s role you probably…
  3. Do you know Jimm from my office?  He likes hanging out at Euro bars that are really dark where people piss in any bathroom available.  Goth looking angry lesbians with Dutch boy haircuts and weirdo dudes dancing around to shit with no beat like their having a seizure.  You must like those sort of places too right?
  4. You’re gay- help me with this shit.  I have no idea what to buy a woman who already buys herself everything she wants.  Also, what would you want to do if someone were taking you out for your birthday?
  5. So back up- how do you know you’re gay for sure?  I hate Sushi but I’ve never eaten fucking seaweed around rice and raw fish with parasites in it.  I’m guessing it tastes like shit.  I’ve never tasted shit but I imagine it to taste like it smells.  Anyway- is there a test for gayness sort of like Ceiliacs?  Maybe you don’t need to be gluten free…  You get what I’m saying.
  6. So do you check out all the dudes at the gym?  Are you like anxious to get to the shower?  Can you tell who is gay at the gym?  Is it like the Masonic lodge?  You give each other a signal and if that’s not enough, you ask the other guy, “so have you ever been to Stockholm?”
  7. Every time I see an outdoor art fair, there is inevitably an old dude who looks like Ernest Hemingway with a young buck who looks a Jamaican sprinter?  How does that happen?  Other than having an old rich dude to buy meals and help pay the rent, what would and old wrinkly, hairy, saggy balls looking dude have that would interest a young black guy other than money?  Never mind… I get it now.
  8. Wait a minute- you know too much shit about ice hockey to be gay.  I can see you liking football players in tight pants, baseball players adjusting their shit before batting, basketball players showing off their guns, soccer player’s nice legs but hockey?  They’re all covered up in equipment.  Maybe you’re not gay.
  9. Do you occasionally wear women’s clothes under your suits?  Come on, you can tell me.  French maid shit at home while you jam a cucumber up your man’s bum…  You can tell me.  My girl is allowed a pinky and I can tell when she slips me the thumb.
  10. So does this automatically make you a Democrat?  You know like minorities would be dumb to vote Republican just so that they get deported or racially profiled.  Like women losing their rights to vote, work and have an abortion if they just had a really bad night…  You guys have it just like blacks and women…  End of slavery, get the vote, lose the vote, get it back again 100 years later and then you got women- get to vote, get to work, get to have abortions…  You people don’t know how good you got it.  20 years ago, you would have gotten your ass kicked for wanting to marry a man…  You want another beer?
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