Blackhumouristpress's Blog

September 28, 2015

Bigger Than the Beatles or The Pope Meets ISIS

Filed under: humor,humour,ISIS,pope,Short Story,trump — blackhumouristpress @ 3:39 am
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The pope was told jokingly in Spanish during his tour of the United States, “Your holiness, as you can see…  You are bigger than the Beatles.”  The joke made Pope Francis laugh as he was a Beatles fan and remembered the John Lennon quote, “We are bigger than Jesus.”  As throngs of well-wishers lined streets to see the pope in America, the land of Morey Povich and the Kardashians, one could not discount the fact that the head of the Catholic Church was on a roll.  He is the people’s pope.  He speaks plainly and might be the coming of the anti-Trump.  Who could stop the pope now from speaking freely?  Would it be so wrong to get people to stop, take a step back and think about things?  The pope was talked into visiting the Crimea and North Korea.  Those that booked the pope’s world tour knew that those events would be very interesting.  The ultimate stop would be to address ISIS in occupied areas along the border of Iraq and Syria.  Being so popular and a representative of a prophet, the religious leaders behind the political struggle politely agreed to allow the pope to speak to them.  Picture this: a five foot high stage in the middle of nowhere, as desolate as the moon with thousands of men with covered faces listened to the pope speak in Arabic.  The pope worked on his speech while on the plane and was coached on how to pronounce every word necessary.  Accent aside, the ISIS fighters were impressed.  This is how the speech went-

“You are the face of its people, their representatives. You are called to defend and preserve the dignity of your fellow citizens in the tireless and demanding pursuit of the common good, for this is the chief aim of all politics. When countries which have been at odds resume the path of dialogue — a dialogue which may have been interrupted for the most legitimate of reasons — new opportunities open up for all. This has required, and requires, courage and daring, which is not the same as irresponsibility. A good political leader is one who, with the interests of all in mind, seizes the moment in a spirit of openness and pragmatism.”

There was no polite clapping as the pope paused.  The pope thought about the Yazidi women being rounded up for slavery and men being killed.  The clips he saw of people being shot in the head and beheaded.  Being a student of history, he thought about the inquisition and thought he should comment on the parallels.

“If I can speak freely…  There was a time when the church set out to convert people, to change people, to save people from their customs and their beliefs.  Was it right?  Maybe for the time, it was.  Given what is happening now am I given license to say what is right and wrong?  I think god will have to decide this for us all.”

The pope looked out at the crowd.  It was a large crowd that was mesmerized by his words.  Pope Francis thought about Hitler’s Triumph of Will.  If you take away the message, the choice of words is what moved the crowd.  The pope stopped speaking and looked over the heads of the hooded and masked fighters who weren’t sure how to react to the idea of the head of the infidels was addressing them.  The pope had their attention.  The pope went on.

“A delicate balance is required to combat violence perpetrated in the name of a religion, an ideology or an economic system, while also safeguarding religious freedom, intellectual freedom and individual freedoms. But there is another temptation which we must especially guard against: the simplistic reductionism which sees only good or evil; or, if you will, the righteous and sinners. The contemporary world, with its open wounds which affect so many of our brothers and sisters, demands that we confront every form of polarization which would divide it into these two camps. We know that in the attempt to be freed of the enemy without, we can be tempted to feed the enemy within. To imitate the hatred and violence of tyrants and murderers is the best way to take their place. That is something which you, as a people, reject.

Our response must instead be one of hope and healing, of peace and justice.”

Even in Arabic, it was a highly decorated way of getting a thought across.  Combat violence in the name of religion while safeguarding religious freedom…  I’m with you…Intellectual freedom and individual freedoms…  Say what?!

”Being at the service of dialogue and peace also means being truly determined to minimize and, in the long term, to end the many armed conflicts throughout our world. Here we have to ask ourselves: Why are deadly weapons being sold to those who plan to inflict untold suffering on individuals and society? Sadly, the answer, as we all know, is simply for money: money that is drenched in blood, often innocent blood. In the face of this shameful and culpable silence, it is our duty to confront the problem and to stop the arms trade.”

The pope lifted his papers and straightened them up by bouncing them against the podium while wind howled in the distance.  Pope Francis lifted his hand to wave goodbye and smiled.  A few men politely waved back while others did nothing.  The pope got into a bullet proof Range Rover and headed to the airport.  All he could think was that sometimes, somethings just don’t go over very well.  The pope looked pensive as the plane he was on flew towards Italy and ultimately the Vatican.  The question was asked of the pope, “How do you think it went?”  The pope didn’t answer immediately.  He rubbed his chin, smiled and answered the question with a question.  “How big were the Beatles in Iraq and Syria?”  Only the pope laughed.

September 18, 2015

Stalking Problems? We Can Help

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story,stalking — blackhumouristpress @ 3:22 am
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Josh belonged to one of those 24 hour gyms.  He had just finished benching, curling, squatting and a one mile run while watching Sports Center.  Josh’s plan was to go home, take a shower and go visit his ex-girlfriend unexpectedly and uninvited.  It sounded like an aerosol can being shook up but actually it was a high protein shake that tasted a little bit like chalk and shit.  I never had either but we can all use our imagination on this one.  Josh was shaking up the shake before sneaking up on it, wearing a cut up muscle shirt and walking towards his car with an inflated chest.  He looked most formidable.  As soon as Josh sat in the driver side of his vehicle, a rag filled with Chloroform was placed over his face.  Josh went to sleep.  Fast.

A hood was removed from Josh’s head.  He was laying naked on a floor with his hands cuffed behind his back.  Two people were standing in front of him dressed in black Lycra including black gloves.  One wore a Hilary Clinton mask and the other a Donald Trump mask.  A cigarette dangled out of the mouth of Hilary.  The two said nothing to Josh.  They stepped out of the room and a small door opened which released about a dozen skunks.  A loud sound system of a snarling dogs scared the skunks.  They all raised their tails and sprayed the air.  Most of which landed on Josh.  The door opened again and the skunks ran inside.  On Josh’s ankles were two large shackles attached to wire.  A large door opened and Josh was pulled from the room smelling of skunks.  It wasn’t a slow pull but rather a fast tug into a room covered with ivy.  Josh was pulled across the floor full of ivy and then floor raised and tossed Josh in the air several times until all sides of his body had made contact with the ivy.  It was poison ivy.  Josh was then pulled into a room with so much steam that it was hard for him to breathe.  It was dark and breathing became harder and harder.  Josh smelled of skunk and the sweat was beginning to make him itch but with his hands locked behind his back, it was impossible to scratch the itches.  Just when Josh thought he might suffocate in the room of complete darkness, another door opened and the steam poured out around the light of the next room.  Josh was yanked hard by the ankles again into the last room.  The room was very bright and extremely cold.  Sitting at a table were the two figures in all black with Hilary and Donald masks.  Josh’s teeth chattered profusely and his ass cheeks stuck like frozen chicken to Styrofoam on the stainless steel floor that was lowered to about 0 degrees Fahrenheit.  A screen lit up with soft music.  Josh’s ex-girlfriend spoke to him in a video cast against the wall.

“Josh…  Listen…  I don’t love you anymore.  I don’t like you anymore and I don’t want to be with you anymore.  Showing up at bars when I’m out with dates and friends is beyond weird.  Telling me that nobody else can ever have me is wrong.  You don’t own me.  Take this as a warning today.  If you stalk me any further.  Some really bad things are going to happen to you…  Okay?  I don’t want to hurt you but I cannot allow you to scare me with crazy phone messages, insane emails, weird Facebook posts, uninvited visits at all hours where you scream for me like an idiot.  Your friends were more important than me.  You are an immature, lying goof who thinks that you own me … Well you don’t own me (The old 1960’s Leslie Gore song, You Don’t Own Me, played softly in the background).   I sincerely hope this message sinks in…  I am not fucking around with you any longer.  Go on with your life and be happy and leave me the fuck alone.”

Josh was knocked out again and dropped off in front of the 24 hour gym naked.  The night attendant called the police.  When the cops arrived, they found a sleeping man, naked covered in a rash that really smelled like skunks worked him over.  When Josh came to, he was too scared to tell the cops what really happened to him.  He told them that some of his softball buddies made him the focus of a hazing ritual.  Josh was asked if he wanted to go to the hospital by the officers but he declined.  Instead he got into his car without a lick of clothes on and drove himself home.  The cops just shook their heads.

For $500.00 per visit, you too can contract Stalk Busters.  Sure it’s expensive but it really works.  Ask around, someone can hook you up with them.  Who are these guys?  Out of work entrepreneurs who provide a service to women everywhere who no longer feel safe after breaking off relationships with men.  You might find their ad somewhere on line.  It’s a picture of a man in a Hilary Clinton Mask with his index finger raised to her lips as if to say Shhh.  “You have stalking problems…  We can help.”

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