Blackhumouristpress's Blog

September 18, 2015

Stalking Problems? We Can Help

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story,stalking — blackhumouristpress @ 3:22 am
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Josh belonged to one of those 24 hour gyms.  He had just finished benching, curling, squatting and a one mile run while watching Sports Center.  Josh’s plan was to go home, take a shower and go visit his ex-girlfriend unexpectedly and uninvited.  It sounded like an aerosol can being shook up but actually it was a high protein shake that tasted a little bit like chalk and shit.  I never had either but we can all use our imagination on this one.  Josh was shaking up the shake before sneaking up on it, wearing a cut up muscle shirt and walking towards his car with an inflated chest.  He looked most formidable.  As soon as Josh sat in the driver side of his vehicle, a rag filled with Chloroform was placed over his face.  Josh went to sleep.  Fast.

A hood was removed from Josh’s head.  He was laying naked on a floor with his hands cuffed behind his back.  Two people were standing in front of him dressed in black Lycra including black gloves.  One wore a Hilary Clinton mask and the other a Donald Trump mask.  A cigarette dangled out of the mouth of Hilary.  The two said nothing to Josh.  They stepped out of the room and a small door opened which released about a dozen skunks.  A loud sound system of a snarling dogs scared the skunks.  They all raised their tails and sprayed the air.  Most of which landed on Josh.  The door opened again and the skunks ran inside.  On Josh’s ankles were two large shackles attached to wire.  A large door opened and Josh was pulled from the room smelling of skunks.  It wasn’t a slow pull but rather a fast tug into a room covered with ivy.  Josh was pulled across the floor full of ivy and then floor raised and tossed Josh in the air several times until all sides of his body had made contact with the ivy.  It was poison ivy.  Josh was then pulled into a room with so much steam that it was hard for him to breathe.  It was dark and breathing became harder and harder.  Josh smelled of skunk and the sweat was beginning to make him itch but with his hands locked behind his back, it was impossible to scratch the itches.  Just when Josh thought he might suffocate in the room of complete darkness, another door opened and the steam poured out around the light of the next room.  Josh was yanked hard by the ankles again into the last room.  The room was very bright and extremely cold.  Sitting at a table were the two figures in all black with Hilary and Donald masks.  Josh’s teeth chattered profusely and his ass cheeks stuck like frozen chicken to Styrofoam on the stainless steel floor that was lowered to about 0 degrees Fahrenheit.  A screen lit up with soft music.  Josh’s ex-girlfriend spoke to him in a video cast against the wall.

“Josh…  Listen…  I don’t love you anymore.  I don’t like you anymore and I don’t want to be with you anymore.  Showing up at bars when I’m out with dates and friends is beyond weird.  Telling me that nobody else can ever have me is wrong.  You don’t own me.  Take this as a warning today.  If you stalk me any further.  Some really bad things are going to happen to you…  Okay?  I don’t want to hurt you but I cannot allow you to scare me with crazy phone messages, insane emails, weird Facebook posts, uninvited visits at all hours where you scream for me like an idiot.  Your friends were more important than me.  You are an immature, lying goof who thinks that you own me … Well you don’t own me (The old 1960’s Leslie Gore song, You Don’t Own Me, played softly in the background).   I sincerely hope this message sinks in…  I am not fucking around with you any longer.  Go on with your life and be happy and leave me the fuck alone.”

Josh was knocked out again and dropped off in front of the 24 hour gym naked.  The night attendant called the police.  When the cops arrived, they found a sleeping man, naked covered in a rash that really smelled like skunks worked him over.  When Josh came to, he was too scared to tell the cops what really happened to him.  He told them that some of his softball buddies made him the focus of a hazing ritual.  Josh was asked if he wanted to go to the hospital by the officers but he declined.  Instead he got into his car without a lick of clothes on and drove himself home.  The cops just shook their heads.

For $500.00 per visit, you too can contract Stalk Busters.  Sure it’s expensive but it really works.  Ask around, someone can hook you up with them.  Who are these guys?  Out of work entrepreneurs who provide a service to women everywhere who no longer feel safe after breaking off relationships with men.  You might find their ad somewhere on line.  It’s a picture of a man in a Hilary Clinton Mask with his index finger raised to her lips as if to say Shhh.  “You have stalking problems…  We can help.”

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