Blackhumouristpress's Blog

October 11, 2015

Guns For Teachers in Blue Heaven

Filed under: humor,humour,ISIS,Short Story,suburbia,trump,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 4:04 am
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The large bald man with a large bushy moustache had a booming voice and a furrowed brow spoke to room full of ladies and one man.  The man was ignored.  There was nothing about T.K. Owens that would lead anyone to believe he had a compassionate side.  TKO as he was known, served in the military in Kuwait, Iraq, and Afghanistan and was previously a soldier of fortune in Angola and El Salvador.  T.K.  loved serving his nation and destroying anything that smacked of being un-American.  The problem was that the world was un-American.  Even Americans were not for the most part what T.K. viewed as god fearing, gun loving, right winged, deer and duck hunting, fisherman, Ford Truck driving, military serving, country music loving patriots.  Was it the abortion loving, whale saving, rainbow wearing, same sex marrying types that was making the United States a weak target? Well probably but with enough disgruntled, disenchanted, xenophobic, homophobic registered voters in the state of Arizona,  all educators in the state had to be licensed to carry concealed weapons.  T.K. was only too happy to return stateside and educate women and some men on the laws and procedures to be affective protectors of students throughout the state.  After 100 hours on the range, class time was also necessary.  Every teacher accepted this without issue.  T.K. was their professor.

“Applicant” means a person who is applying for a license to carry a concealed firearm under this Act. Ladies…  This applies to you if you wish to continue to be an educator in this state… Okay? “Board not bored” means the Concealed Carry Licensing Review Board will be reviewing your application as an applicant.  You the applicant want to work in this state so that you can pay off your student loans and keep the wheels of government moving…  There are thousands of people depending on your ability to work.  It works, you work, I work…  Some don’t work but they need you to work and that’s just how it works…  Is that clear ladies?  Okay… “Concealed firearm” means a loaded or unloaded handgun carried on or about a person completely or mostly concealed from view of the public or on or about a person within a vehicle…  You got some freak all hopped up on a substance and you remind him of the girl who didn’t go with him to the junior prom…  Okay?  He feels he needs to stop your vehicle to terminate your life…  Next to the chewing gum, hair pins and your compact is your life saver…  He gets stupid…  You send him into blue heaven…  Okay? “Handgun” means any device which is designed to expel a projectile or projectiles by the action of an explosion, expansion of gas, or escape of gas that is designed to be held and fired by the use of a single hand. “Handgun” does not include: (1) a stun gun or Taser; (2) a machine gun as defined in item (i) of paragraph
(7) of subsection a) of Section 24-1 of the Criminal Code of 2016;
(3) a short-barreled rifle or shotgun as defined in
item (ii) of paragraph (7) of subsection (a) of Section 24-1 of the Criminal Code of 2016; or
(4) any pneumatic gun, spring gun, paint ball gun, or
B-B gun which expels a single globular projectile not exceeding .18 inch in diameter, or which has a maximum muzzle velocity of less than 700 feet per second, or which expels breakable paint balls containing washable marking colors…  When the chips are down, ladies, you don’t give a good gosh darn about indelible stains to fabrics…  Okay?  It’s your life or his…  The choice is clear…  Okay?
A licensee under this Act shall be permitted to knowingly carry a firearm on or into: Any building, real property, and parking area
under the control of a public or private elementary or secondary school.
“If I can speak plainly here, ladies…  Okay?  Someday you just might be faced with some freak devoid of empathy for other human beings. This sort of thing happens now monthly in schools, churches, little league fields, movie theaters and hair salons.  The twisted individuals could be your neighbor.  This person might view you as just an extension of some deranged video game that his parents allowed to babysit him during formative years.  Maybe the family pet has instructed him by proxy from god to terminate random lives at the local elementary school.  He hates his mom and dad, the government, the suburbs, he hates living and he wants to take you with him and two dozen students and have his two seconds of fame.  This is where you come in.  Line up the cross hairs with his skull and do your civic duty and just be damn glad you live in a country and state where you have the freedom to not be a victim…  Okay?  Blue heaven, ladies…  Blue…  Heaven.”

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