Blackhumouristpress's Blog

May 13, 2016

Hamsters and Half Families

Filed under: america,humor,humour,Short Story,suburbia,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 12:47 am
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Doug divorced Daphne and found a woman named Dawn. Dawn was married to a guy named Dwayne. Daphne met a guy named Don who was divorced from a woman named Doris… All parties concerned had children of their own that either lived with themĀ full-timeĀ or part-time.

Daphne bought her eleven year old daughter an I-Phone Six for her birthday. After being beaten up and wore down by hearing that all her friends were on Instagram and all her friends had really nice phones, Daphne relented and spent the money for her daughter to have a really nice phone. This purchase left Doug wondering what he could buy his child that would not seem cheap and insignificant. A spa day? A new bike? Clothes and maybe a trip to Claire’s at the mall? No, those things would all seem sad in comparison to a phone. Doug decided on a hamster.

In the past, when Doug was still married to Daphne, Doug went out and bought a guinea pig. Doug had a great amount of disdain for the animal. It shit often and constantly made baby pig sounds after being over fed by the children. When Daphne took the children to see their grandparents out-of-town, Doug put the guinea pig in the backyard. Doug reasoned that it was summer and that fresh air would be good for the little fucker and then he wouldn’t need to hear its crying out for food every few minutes and smell it’s shit all over the house. Doug was asleep on the couch when Daphne came home early and unexpected. There was a sink full of dishes, dirty clothes all over the floor, half empty beer cans, a spent bottle of scotch and the guinea pig was dead in the backyard. His young daughter stood crying, holding her pet that was missing it’s head.

“I LEAVE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS AND THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A FRAT HOUSE. GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE AND CONSOLE YOUR DAUGHTER! HER PET IS MISSING IT’S FUCKING HEAD… YOU ARE SUCH A GODDAMN CHILD, DOUGLAS!”

Verbal beat downs like that were common and then one day Doug decided to leave Daphne and the kids. He met another woman with children who was disgruntled with her current husband and so she left him and so this goes on everywhere today. Doug got to thinking that a guinea pig would really suck even though his daughter really loved the animal. He thought about ferrets, a chinchilla and then decided on a hamster. He went on Craig’s List and found an animal and its little biosphere to live in for $25.00. Not only would his daughter love the gift nearly as much as a phone but it cost almost nothing. Deirdre, their daughter loved the little animal. Daphne hated it.

“It looks like a baby rat without a tail. Why did you get an all black rodent? Couldn’t you find a multi-colored one or just a white one?”

The deal was that when Deirdre was with Daphne, the hamster lived at Daphne’s house. When it was Doug’s turn to have the kids, the rodent would travel with them. The arrangement worked well for weeks until one particular Wednesday.

HEY- I’M STUCK IN TRAFFIC. i NEED TO DROP OFF ONE OF DAWN’S KIDS FROM DANCE AND GET THE OTHER ONE TO LITTLE LEAGUE. CAN YOU MEET ME AT THE MALL AND I WILL GET THE KIDS?

ummm what about the hamster?

WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO JUST HOLD ONTO THE HAMSTER FOR THE NIGHT? BY THE TIME WE GET TO MY PLACE, THEY WILL SHOWER AND GO TO BED.

sure. i had a feeling this was going to happen.

Daphne woke up to make a coffee early and watch the news. It was nearly six in the morning. She curled up on the couch and watched the latest about Hilary, Trump, Bernie, tornadoes, wild fires in Canada and the freak du jour who attacked dozens of people with a knife in a mall in some other state when out of the corner of her eye, she saw something take off across the floor. Daphne put on a pair of her black trendy Hunter boots that looked perfect for walking through horse shit in a stable and began looking for the thing that caught her attention. Daphne went into Deirdre’s room to rule out the hamster and noticed a hole in the tube that led from one part of the home for the animal, to a treadmill. The hole was covered with gray duct tape that had been gnawed through. The thing that caught Daphne’s attention was the hamster. Daphne ran downstairs, grabbed the round top that covered cakes and walked around looking for the pet. She moved couches, books on the floor, chairs until she found the little bastard cowering in a corner. She was afraid that it would run across the heat register on the floor and fall into the heating duct work. The animal was in the corner. The round cake cover would not work. Daphne needed to think quickly. She grabbed her son’s shiny/floor hockey net and threw it on top of the animal and then put a pot over him. Her next order of business was to call Doug.

“You bought this fucking animal. You never discussed it with me first and I have to house and feed this thing that looks like something I’m trying to catch in mouse traps. You said you would take this thing when the kids are with you and now I have this fucking thing running around the house because you bought a cheap, used piece of shit that was covered with duct tape. You never cease to amaze me with how fucking cheap you are. Are you this fucking cheap with Dawn and her kids? I bet you’re not… Not yet at least. You get over here right now and get this fucking animal and put it back in its cage!”

Doug woke Deirdre on a school day and hustled her over to her mother’s house in her pajamas. Daphne was wearing her thick glasses and a pair of bacon flannel pajamas and a Michigan State pull over. Oh and the Hunter boots.

Doug was a big, strong man but he didn’t like to handle fish or lizards or snakes or rodents. It was going to be his job to reach in a grab the terrified hamster so that it would not take off to another part of the living room. Doug lifted the pot just enough to reach his arm in and feel around for the hamster. Doug felt it in his hand but was afraid he might crush the small animal and loosely tried to remove it. The hamster ran up Doug’s long sleeve shirt and clung to his forearm. Doug screamed like a little girl and shook his arm like it was on fire. The hamster went flying across the room and landed on it’s back on top of a glue board that Daphne had set up for the potential of any mice. Deirdre tried to pry her animal from the glue board. The animal squeaked loudly and moved all four of its legs fiercely in an attempt to get free. Doug had Dawn at home in bed with the other children- the rest of his and all of her’s. Doug had a meeting in a few hours and still needed to get clean clothes for the kids out of the dryer, feed them, make lunches and get them all to school. Deidra screamed as if she was being killed.

“Daddy, do something! President Sanders is stuck to the glue board!”

Doug looked at Daphne with his hands on his hips and pursed lips.

“How could you be so negligent as to leave glue boards on the floor with an animal like this? Now this thing is going to die and I’m going to need to replace it.”

Deirdre screamed louder and cried harder.

“Way to go, Ace… You had to say this in front of your daughter while she’s already stressed. You are a piece of work.”

Doug responded. Daphne rebutted. Deirdre cried more. Daphne hugged Deidra and told her that she would save the hamster. She said she would take him to the vet and make it all better. So how did things get fixed?

At about noon time, Daphne took a picture with a black hamster with a strip of fur shaved off of it’s back and sent it to Doug with a text message.

this animal cost me fifty dollars. a secure home for it cost me another fifty. you can add that to the money you already owe me. going forward, do not buy an animal as a gift. when this thing dies, think of something else.

Doug responded

HOW DID YOU GET THE HAMSTER OFF OF THE GLUE BOARD?

Umm, I called the tooth fairy and santa and begged for a new one that looked like the old one and he arrived under my pillow an hour ago. The little fucker had a heart attack and died right after you left. I bought a new, black, rat looking animal so that our daughter doesn’t need to go for counselling.

COOL. KK.

 

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