Blackhumouristpress's Blog

June 2, 2018

Monday

Filed under: america,chicago,humor,humour,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 4:36 am
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All things being equal, Monday morning on the highways in Chicago,
really suck. Everyone leaves home early wishing there was two Sundays
a week instead of a Monday. They leave with coffee, Monster or Red
Bull, maybe a Five Hour Energy or a plain old cola with a No-Doze- if
you don’t get the runs. Cars race 15 to 20 miles an hour faster than
the speed limit on their way to the highway and once on the freeway,
expressway or tollway, it slows fast. Tens of thousands of cars, tens
of thousands of cogs going into the giant wheel that propels the
American dynamo rolling and yet not many are happy people Monday morning.
At 7:32AM central standard time at mile marker 41 ½ of the north
bound lanes headed towards Wisconsin on the 294, Bill gets a text
message as he speeds up and slows down in the third from right or
second from left lane. It’s from his wife who went on a weekend
vacation with some female friends, when in reality it was a fuck
vacation with a man she met on the internet and had a rendezvous with in San Diego.
Picture seafood and fucking and dancing and fucking and a nap and more
fucking and both parties are pretty sure that there is an unmatched
chemistry and that they should figure out how they can make their
weekend paradise into a full-time suburban nirvana . On the long red
eye flight home, Jessica while pounding Chardonnay, while leading off
of third base, she was going to steal home while her husband Bill had
his back to her. They would sell the house, split the assets and then
the children. Oh shit… The kids. Well they’re nearly adults and all
statistics reason that young men need their fathers during their
adolescence. They can come to San Diego in summers and for Christmas
break.
“BILL- I’M NOT HAPPY. I HAVEN’T BEEN HAPPY FOR A LONG TIME. I NEED
MORE FOR MY LIFE. WE NEED TO END THIS AS AMICABLY AS POSSIBLE. IF
YOU WANT TO SAVE MONEY, WE CAN BOTH USE MARK TO REPRESENT US BOTH. WE
CAN TALK ABOUT THIS TONIGHT IF YOU WANT TO. – J”
Bill was stunned to receive such a text while driving a truck from
Indiana to Wisconsin. He was so taken back, that he did not pay
attention to the red lights ahead of him. He was travelling 35 mph
and the small Ford with Coexist, Resist, peace sign and Make America
Not embarrassing stickers on the back of her car that was about to made
into an accordion by the heavy approaching truck. Bill out of the
corner of one eye, happened to see the cars dead stopped ahead of him.
Bill jammed on the breaks and swerved the nearly 60 foot truck from
killing someone ahead of him. The truck’s cab hit the cement divider
between north and south and landed upside down. The trailer smashed
open and the contents were flung onto both sides of the highway like
candy being thrown from a man in a Santa Claus suit in the back of a
convertible. A twelve-inch blue dildo landed on the windshield of an
Asian woman who was visiting from Japan. She took out her cell phone,
snapped off a picture of the dong on the windshield. The translated
words into Japanese that went with the photograph went as follows
“This is my first day of work in the United States. I’m going to be
late due to a truck crashing on the highway. First day of work : ( There are “things” all
over the road and this landed on my car. Could any of you back home
use one of these? LOL : ) : O
Yes it was true. The contents of the truck driven by Bill were sex
toys that were made in China, shipped by boat from Hong Kong to Long
Beach, California. They were then put on trains and shipped to a
warehouse in Indiana, distributed onto semi trucks and shipped to
cities like Hoboken, Toledo and Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Bill’s shipment
would not make it to Sheboygan. The rubber sheep, dongs, vibrators,
creams, gels, thongs, French Maid outfits, cock rings and fake
pussies would all need to be collected by hand by the highway
authority. Meanwhile miles and miles of cars came to a complete halt.
Cars in right lanes queued up where there were exits, rolling over
latex and rubber items. Bill was held upside down by his seatbelt.
He was pretty sure that the worst moment of his adult life had
arrived. He was going to lose a job and a marriage simultaneously.
He wasn’t alone. There were people going into labor who feared that
they were going give birth on the highway. Speaking of birth, there
were several people who shit their pants unable to hold the stomach
virus that was circulating around. Several people dumped their coffee
and tried to fill their cups with urine without being seen. Several
people missed flights, missed appointments, were late for work and
surgeries. It was mayhem. Everyone except one man with sunglasses
was annoyed, angry, stressed and late. His seven-year old daughter
pulled out her pink kindle. The father went to Youtube and pulled up
W.C. Fields in “It’s a Gift”.
“This man had a bad day just like we’re all having… It’s very funny.”
W.C. yells for his help to open the front door of his grocery store
for the approaching blind man who is also hard of hearing that is
using a cane as a stick to aid the blind. The blind man puts his
cane through the glass of the front window. An impatient customer
yells at W.C. as he attempts to help the blind man from destroying his
store.
“What about my kumquat?!”
The little seven-year old began to giggle. The blind man wants
chewing gum and the stuffy man wants his kumquat. The blind man
attempts to find the gum himself. He stands up and picks up a light
bulb that are stacked naked on a table. The light bulbs begin to
crash to the floor.
“SIT DOWN, MR. MERKLE!”
The blind man leaves the store and crosses the street and almost gets
killed by fire trucks. W.C. Fields backs into a garbage can and falls
in. The little girl and her dad a both roaring with laughter. Nobody
else on that highway that morning were laughing. Pocket pussies and
dongs in the air? There should have been more laughter.

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