Blackhumouristpress's Blog

November 3, 2018

M.C. Trump

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 4:21 am

In a quest to create and be successful at a new reality television show, an obscure cable channel came up with celebrity political roasts. The platform was three Democrat politicians and three Republican politicians who would take turns roasting a prominent political figure who agreed to go on the show to be poked, prodded and straight up skewered. The final roaster or master of ceremonies was always the president of the United States, Donald Trump. MC Trump. From his desk at the White House, the president would unleash zingers.  Some of them light hearted ribbing and others a deep stab wound. Love him or hate him, people could not refrain from hearing what he would say next. The man, our president, has to be exhausted keeping us free and safe and employed while battling the press and Democrats and those high brow Republicans who refuse to acknowledge his merits even though he has done everything they dreamed of but could never find a way to do. Any and all money he would make from being on the show went into a fund to help build a wall on the Mexican border. The show went so well that they made a collector’s addition CD that could be purchased for $19.95. The title- Trump’s Greatest Hits. It went a little bit like this:

 

Don Lemon CNN- Don… Sweet Don… I like to call him Sweet Don. We have a lot in common. We share a first name and we’re both men. I happen to be a white man and maybe that’s part of the problem. Whose problem? I dunno…. His problem, my problem, your problem. I know the white man he keeps at home is not the problem. He’s probably admitted white privilege and purged himself for the sins of his relatives from hundreds of years ago. Whenever I feel good about the economy, the record low unemployment for African-Americans, protecting our southern border, reining China in with sanctions and turning Little Rocket Man into my personal golf caddy, I turn on Sweet Don. If I’m feeling good about myself, Sweet Don brings me down to earth. Me, a white man, responsible for terrorism in this country. A Nazi who holds his grandchildren on his knee during Yom Kippur and teaches the kinder all the words to Deutschland Uber Alles in German and let’s them know that granddaddy’s Reich will last for 8 years.  A man in bed with Vladi Putin… Picture that! Me, a white nationalist, xenophobic, misogynistic boob who just happened to get enough yahoos to come out from the set of the movie Deliverance to give me the electoral vote. I think it was Sweet Don who said that I didn’t deserve to win because I didn’t win the popular vote. Sweet Don who would probably try to catch a football and fail at it because being sweet and all, he doesn’t understand that in elections just like football, you don’t win on yardage, you win on points… Just like the Electoral College. Speaking of college… Sweet Don would have made one hell of a cheerleader for the losing team and then spin it to make it appear to the low information crowd that if hadn’t been for that Russian exchange student, his school would have won… Keep it up Sweet Don… Your show is now below the Hallmark Channel and the Cartoon Network. Somewhere there is an army of women at home with two cats and no man who still hasn’t gotten out of bed yet since November of 2016. All three of them are watching you nightly. You’re that safe black man that they yearn to be alone with in an elevator.

 

Bill Clinton- I like to call him Wild Bill… I don’t need to say the things that have already been said a million times. I happened to be in Italy with the President Berlusconi. Silvio and I were playing golf and through his interpreter he asked what the problem was. I had to explain that the problem was that he didn’t call Julia Roberts. Instead Wild Bill corrals a chubby Jewish chick… Oh here we go with the groans… Donald Trump hates fat chicks and Jews again… I love them. They voted for me. I just don’t love them the way Wild Bill does. You could have sent the evidence flying anywhere but it landed on a blue dress… Remember if it doesn’t fit you must acquit? If you wore the dress, you must confess. I’ll confess this… In order for me to nut with that chick, I might have had to have your wife Hillary in the room watching.  You’re all thinking… Mr. President! That is disgusting! You never know what turns a man on but the thought of that is truly dirty and we all know how dealing with Hillary can be truly dirty. Now then…Wild Bill… There are the things we know we know, the things we think we know and then the things we don’t know shit about. This will all come out one day on a coffee table book right along side the Kama sutra in that room in the white house where you took furniture and sold it… Christ, could you imagine if Obama had done that? Everyone would have said that’s his father’s side coming out in him. I might not make to see that book come out, Wild Bill but I have been to the mountain and I’m not afraid… Wrong night… Wrong speech.

 

Jeff Sessions- Jefferson Beauregard Sessions Benedict Arnold III… I walked ahead of good ole Jefferson and wondered what the sharp pain was in my back. I turned to see good ole Jefferson just smiling as big as he could. I tried to take my suit coat off and found that I couldn’t do it because I had a knife stuck in my back… Picture him in that folksy voice telling me that he had a vision and that Jesus Christ himself appeared to him and told him to take the job of attorney general but do nothing further until he returns… Jefferson is waiting of the return of Christ and has recused himself of his job in the interim. Speaking of interim… I have to pat his understudy down every time I see him for fear he’s wearing a wire and everything we discuss is being broadcast in real time on CNN… Look at Sweet Don smiling over there. He thinks that would be a good idea. Meanwhile back at the ranch there are dozens of the best lawyers the Democrats could buy, working on finding something, anything between the Russians and me. Look at Wild Bill over there… He made a half million on one speech in Moscow… Wow! What a country! I want to thank you all for letting me spin you over the spit. I go through it daily with our less than objective talking heads in the fake news. Like someone once said, all the bad press makes me stronger like Godzilla… So I thank you for coming… God bless you all and god bless America…

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