Blackhumouristpress's Blog

May 6, 2014

For Whom the Bell Curve Tolls or WARP- White Anglo Racist Protestants

Filed under: Ethnicity,humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 11:22 pm
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A man by the name of Alouis A, was devising a test to determine the true thoughts of all owners of the NBA in order to expose racism that he felt still exists in the United States. It started with his own radio show and then talk shows, then rallies until CNN gave Alouis A. a forum. Was Alouis A. incensed by the comments of Donald Sterling? Not really, in fact he suspected most NBA owners were of the same mindset. Alouis A. wore horned rimmed glasses and wore an Afro. He would most definitely be perceived by white America as an educated and angry African-American. What could he possibly be mad about? He graduated with several degrees, lived in a nice house in the suburbs where his kids went to exclusive schools. Alouis A., had a great disdain for stereotypical African-Americans who personified all of white America’s fears and jokes. It was Alouis’s quest to change that mindset in anyway possible. Donald Sterling made it possible for a person like himself to become prominent and a voice a new voice for a new era of the black struggle.

“76 percent of the league is being propped up on the backs of African-American men that line the pockets of some very rich men in the third, arguably second most profitable professional leagues in America. Who but a plantation owner and an owner of human beings would say something like “I support them and give them food, and clothes, and cars, and houses. Who gives it to them? Does someone else give it to them? … Who makes the game? Do I make the game, or do they make the game? Is there 30 owners, that created the league?” … Come on now. This didn’t come out of the mouth of Thomas Jefferson. This is a current thought by a respected man in our society. I think every owner should have to willingly agree to a list of questions given while a polygraph is being administered so we can better understand the sentiments of those that really are some of the puppet masters of our economy. If you are not a racist, prove it. I’m calling on the president of the NBA to force this upon the ownership. I am not alone in the sentiment and will call for a boycott of every African-American NBA player until every owner submits to a list of questions with a polygraph. I suspect Donald Sterling is not alone. As of now, I do not have a list formulated. But rest assured… I will “

Alouis A. happened to be at a DC bar discussing a list of potential questions with other black activists when a tabloid gun- for- hire sat at a booth behind them and let his recorder record the list of potential questions to the NBA owners. The final list hadn’t been agreed upon. Alouis A. soon scrapped the idea when the graphic list of offensive questions was published in various tabloids and on of all things- TMZ. The potential questions were as follows.

1. Are you uncomfortable when you see an African-American man with a white woman?

2. If the white woman is fat and ugly are you less offended than if she were an attractive white woman?

3. Do you perceive African-Americans as lazy?

4. Do you believe that African-Americans have become more equal at the expense of white people?

5. Have you ever experienced anxiety over two or more African-American men walking towards you?

6. Have you used the term “colored” or “negro” in the past thirty years?

7. Does it bother you that Michael Jordan is an “equal”?

8. Do you see Michael Jordan as an equal?

9. Do you think racism exists?

10. Do you think the percentage of incarcerated African-Americans is justified?

11. Is Nelson Mandela the greatest leader of our modern age?

12. Did you vote for Mitt Romney?

13. Do you think the Republican Party is racist?

14. Have you ever told a black joke?

15. Have you ever used the N word?

16. Does the N word offend you or do you just claim to be offended because it is expected of you to be offended?

17. Do you believe that IQ differences are genetic and racial?

18. Did Apartheid offend you?

19. Did you ever visit South Africa prior to 1994?

20. If your daughter came home with an African-American man, would you be disturbed?

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July 12, 2012

Romney Meets the NAACP

Filed under: humor,Mixed Race,obama,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 3:54 pm
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                As Mitt Romney took the podium in front of a gathering of the NAACP, the song, It’s Your Thing by the Isley Brothers blared through speakers throughout the auditorium.  Mitt smiled and waved as he waited for the song to stop while gripping the podium with white knuckles with his left hand.

                “ I feel a bit like Fidel Castro facing the John Birch Society, Jesse Jackson at a Klan rally or W in front of …  A room full of scholars.”

                There was a polite chuckle from the audience at Mitt’s attempt at easing into an uncomfortable situation.

                “There is the saying that one is damned if they do and damned if they don’t and really that is the boat I am in today.  Nobody likes to waste one’s time or waste one’s mind…  For that really is a terrible thing.  I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today and I’m not really sure what I am here for except to provide cannon fodder for the press to exploit the fact that I am nervous and out of my element.  I don’t think there is one person in this room who will be voting for me and I can respect that.  I could explain to you the differences between me and my opponent but to beat a dead horse is silly really.  I believe in being frank and direct.  Call a club a club and a …  shovel a shovel…”

                Mitt took a drink of water and momentarily studied stern looking faces and folded arms.  He took a deep breath and waited for the teleprompter to illuminate the substance of what he needed to say to the conventioneers.  The teleprompter appeared to be off.  Mitt had no notes in front of him and the screen was black. No pun intended.  A sudden moment of panic caused his body to feel flush.  His heart pounded, his hands slightly trembled.  The words flowed from his mouth like water from a broken pipe or watery feces from an asshole.

                “The Republican Party started more or less due to the fact that we believed you people should not have been slaves and servants to anyone.  A white man or any other sort of man other than black or white…  It has been since the Great Depression that things have changed for people of color…  Your color that is and the Republican Party.  With us riding the crest of a second Great Depression, I believe it is time for you to return home…Like it was during the Civil War… In that I mean that the ties between Negros and Republicans was strong and could and should be again as I stand before you today.  Nearly four years of hope and change that has not arrived and I’m hoping you may change your minds or open your minds up to a change that could help keep hope alive and even flourish and prosper.  I still believe in this country where if you assert  yourself, you can be anything you really want.  Look at Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas…  They should be shining beacons for all people and your race in particular.  They beat the Bell Curve and showed that you don’t need to be a misogynistic Rap artist to make it in this land…  You might not see it this way but among white people, Mormons are a bit of a pariah.  We were chased out and discriminated against going back to Joseph Smith.  There are still those that would rather vote for the other guy strictly over my religious beliefs.  I believe I understand what it is to be a minority and to be discriminated against…  the more things change, the more they really don’t change all that much…”

                Suddenly the teleprompter began to work again.   A light went back on in Mitt’s head as if there had been some sort of a juggling, bumbling comedy act  by candlelight that gave way to an awesome light show, with glamour, glitz and slight of hand.

“If equal opportunity in America were an accomplished fact, then a chronically bad economy would be equally bad for everyone, Instead, it’s worse for African Americans in almost every way…  And that is why I am going to eliminate every non-essential, expensive program that I can find — and that includes Obamacare.”

            And with that, the afternoon tea party with the NAACP concluded. Fait accompli.

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