Blackhumouristpress's Blog

December 4, 2019

Happy Thanksgiving or A Deluge of Shi* in Buffalo

Benjamin was from Buffalo, New York. Upon graduation from high school, he knocked around Community Theater in Brooklyn and shared a studio apartment with other “starving artists”.

 

Benjamin met Bev while doing a production of Oklahoma with an all-homeless cast to raise money for the poor. Bev donated her time to make costumes. To this day you can still find cowboy looking homeless men panhandling around New York. Bev loved Benjamin’s passion and Benjamin loved that Bev was organized, a go-getter and willing to row the boat of life a lot harder than he. They married even though Benjamin detested the idea of a possible suburban existence with two kids and a mortgage. Bev suspected that marriage would eventually land them in a burg somewhere around the country with a scripted and wholly domestic life. Things went well at first. Their son Benny was born and then their daughter Daisy soon followed. Around that time they also bought two cats and a dog. The picture was complete and ready for stickers of the family on the back of a minivan- mother, father, son, daughter, 2 cats and a dog.

 

Benjamin and Bev opened a thriving fine arts center for children in Chicago. Benjamin carried his two children proudly around as tots strapped to his chest. Benjamin was half administrator and half choreographer. Bev taught dancing and French language lessons. Life was as it should be and as good as one could hope for when they decide to buy animals, have children and open a business with their spouse.

 

Now Bev suspected that Benjamin might be gay, bisexual or asexual. The amount of sex they had was at about the average it should be if you were 70 years of age. They both were in their early forties. As is often the case, someone in a relationship is unhappy. Benjamin ordered what he got but envisioned something else. Unhappy people who don’t like confrontation set themselves up to be caught. There it was on the computer just waiting for someone to wake it up from sleep mode. A short video of Benjamin having rough doggie style sex with the born again Christian mother who was hired to do voice lessons at the studio. Bev at first couldn’t see the face. All she could see was her husband and a really large ass. Benjamin commanded the woman to face the camera as he pulled her hair. As you could imagine, this discovery was not fit for a wife to see. It ruined their day, it ruined their marriage. These things happen.

 

The years passed and Bev got the house with the kids and the mortgage and the debt. Benjamin bought a yellow Volkswagen bug convertible and lived in a studio apartment again in a building of twenty something’s trying to make it in music or theater. The building was a practice space for loud and noisy bands that were going nowhere. Many of the musicians lived in their practice space that used to be factory back when there were a lot of factories. Those factories are now in China… Anyway, Benny and Daisy were now junior high age. They loved their electronic devices. Benny loved to kill things virtually and Daisy loved to make dancing videos. Once a week they were forced to have a meal and spend the night in their father’s apartment. For Thanksgiving they were invited to go back to Buffalo to celebrate the holiday. Benjamin’s mom footed the bill for the airfare. Benjamin hated the idea but it was a free trip.

 

There was the Thanksgiving meal at 1pm with Benjamin’s mother and her wife. Picture two women looking like Elizabeth Warren. One was called mom or granny and the other was called mommy or grandmother. The kids were confused and called them nothing. Their cousins knew each other since they lived in Buffalo but didn’t know them and so they ignored Benny and Daisy. At 4pm they went to pick up Benjamin’s father and go to the all you can eat buffet for Thanksgiving. Benjamin Sr. the first in a line of Benjamin’s asked about his ex-wife and made snarky comments about how it all works with lesbians and who might take the lead on things like sex and dancing. Benjamin couldn’t wait to get the fuck back to Chicago. His kids looked mopey, he hated his family and the idea of recreating a loving event by having a meal with them. Benjamin headed to the airport and if you know anything about Buffalo, it snows there. Guess what happened next? It snowed in Buffalo and it snowed a lot. It snowed so much that the national news showed feet and feet of snow in and around Buffalo along with a closed airport. Luckily for Benjamin, he found a motel near the airport and the three of them spent the next 36 hours watching cable television in a room that smelled like cigarettes and booze. Nobody spoke much to each other. They watched cooking shows and cold case mysteries until they couldn’t take it anymore. Finally the time came and they boarded a plane to go home to Chicago.

Benjamin texted his ex-wife and ranted as he did once when they were married.

“THIS SUCKED. I HATED IT. THE KIDS HATED IT. MY DAD IS STILL AN ASSHOLE AND MY MOTHER IS FUCKED UP. MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS HATE ME AND THE KIDS AND THEN IT FUCKING SNOWED BIBLICAL TYPE OF SHIT HERE. I WILL BE BACK SOON AND I WILL NOT BE TAKING THE KIDS UNTIL CHRISTMAS. JUST SO YOU KNOW.”

 

Sometimes things go bad now and then. Other times it comes in bits and pieces. For Benjamin it was a deluge of shit. Benjamin arrived at the parking lot at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. It was cold in Chicago but no snow. Over in the distance was his yellow bug with a wheel lock device around the front passenger side wheel. There was a large yellow sticker on the window letting him know that the city of Chicago had added up all his unpaid parking tickets and that if wanted to get his prized vehicle, he would need to go downtown and pay the tickets first.

 

Almost a week after Thanksgiving, there they were all together again in Bev’s sensible SUV. The kids were silent, Benjamin was silent and fuming but with her hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, Bev got quiet satisfaction in her ex-husband’s misfortunes. Many in a week. White Christmas by Bing Crosby came on the nonstop Christmas song station that Bev tuned into right after Halloween. Benjamin turned the radio off. Bev grabbed Benjamin’s hand and moved it from the dial and put the music back on. She smiled at Benjamin and simply said, “I’m listening to the song…”

June 21, 2019

Game Face

Filed under: divorce,poem,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 6:27 am
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I got a secret. Maybe you can see it in my eyes

I can’t you let you know there’s nobody on the other side of that wall. Ask me how she is and how’s it going. Can you see it in my eyes that it’s gone? Doing this crazy thing alone. Fool them when they ask. Make them think it’s like it should be. The way it is everywhere they go. Are you alone? What do you mean exactly. Sorry, no not at all. She’s beyond that wall and the kids are upstairs where you remembered them when they were young. How are you? How is it going? I’m not offended even though you don’t care. I look at you and know I can take the pain a lot longer than you. I’m stronger than you and can tighten up in the face of pain knowing that it won’t last forever. Somewhere over there where the sun tries to hide. Never bring down the flag. It’s a matter of pride. “Give my best to the kids and bride…” I’m on the island and I do not see a ship at sea. You’re out there too maybe a bit like me.

May 13, 2016

Hamsters and Half Families

Filed under: america,humor,humour,Short Story,suburbia,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 12:47 am
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Doug divorced Daphne and found a woman named Dawn. Dawn was married to a guy named Dwayne. Daphne met a guy named Don who was divorced from a woman named Doris… All parties concerned had children of their own that either lived with them full-time or part-time.

Daphne bought her eleven year old daughter an I-Phone Six for her birthday. After being beaten up and wore down by hearing that all her friends were on Instagram and all her friends had really nice phones, Daphne relented and spent the money for her daughter to have a really nice phone. This purchase left Doug wondering what he could buy his child that would not seem cheap and insignificant. A spa day? A new bike? Clothes and maybe a trip to Claire’s at the mall? No, those things would all seem sad in comparison to a phone. Doug decided on a hamster.

In the past, when Doug was still married to Daphne, Doug went out and bought a guinea pig. Doug had a great amount of disdain for the animal. It shit often and constantly made baby pig sounds after being over fed by the children. When Daphne took the children to see their grandparents out-of-town, Doug put the guinea pig in the backyard. Doug reasoned that it was summer and that fresh air would be good for the little fucker and then he wouldn’t need to hear its crying out for food every few minutes and smell it’s shit all over the house. Doug was asleep on the couch when Daphne came home early and unexpected. There was a sink full of dishes, dirty clothes all over the floor, half empty beer cans, a spent bottle of scotch and the guinea pig was dead in the backyard. His young daughter stood crying, holding her pet that was missing it’s head.

“I LEAVE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS AND THIS PLACE LOOKS LIKE A FRAT HOUSE. GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE AND CONSOLE YOUR DAUGHTER! HER PET IS MISSING IT’S FUCKING HEAD… YOU ARE SUCH A GODDAMN CHILD, DOUGLAS!”

Verbal beat downs like that were common and then one day Doug decided to leave Daphne and the kids. He met another woman with children who was disgruntled with her current husband and so she left him and so this goes on everywhere today. Doug got to thinking that a guinea pig would really suck even though his daughter really loved the animal. He thought about ferrets, a chinchilla and then decided on a hamster. He went on Craig’s List and found an animal and its little biosphere to live in for $25.00. Not only would his daughter love the gift nearly as much as a phone but it cost almost nothing. Deirdre, their daughter loved the little animal. Daphne hated it.

“It looks like a baby rat without a tail. Why did you get an all black rodent? Couldn’t you find a multi-colored one or just a white one?”

The deal was that when Deirdre was with Daphne, the hamster lived at Daphne’s house. When it was Doug’s turn to have the kids, the rodent would travel with them. The arrangement worked well for weeks until one particular Wednesday.

HEY- I’M STUCK IN TRAFFIC. i NEED TO DROP OFF ONE OF DAWN’S KIDS FROM DANCE AND GET THE OTHER ONE TO LITTLE LEAGUE. CAN YOU MEET ME AT THE MALL AND I WILL GET THE KIDS?

ummm what about the hamster?

WOULD IT BE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO JUST HOLD ONTO THE HAMSTER FOR THE NIGHT? BY THE TIME WE GET TO MY PLACE, THEY WILL SHOWER AND GO TO BED.

sure. i had a feeling this was going to happen.

Daphne woke up to make a coffee early and watch the news. It was nearly six in the morning. She curled up on the couch and watched the latest about Hilary, Trump, Bernie, tornadoes, wild fires in Canada and the freak du jour who attacked dozens of people with a knife in a mall in some other state when out of the corner of her eye, she saw something take off across the floor. Daphne put on a pair of her black trendy Hunter boots that looked perfect for walking through horse shit in a stable and began looking for the thing that caught her attention. Daphne went into Deirdre’s room to rule out the hamster and noticed a hole in the tube that led from one part of the home for the animal, to a treadmill. The hole was covered with gray duct tape that had been gnawed through. The thing that caught Daphne’s attention was the hamster. Daphne ran downstairs, grabbed the round top that covered cakes and walked around looking for the pet. She moved couches, books on the floor, chairs until she found the little bastard cowering in a corner. She was afraid that it would run across the heat register on the floor and fall into the heating duct work. The animal was in the corner. The round cake cover would not work. Daphne needed to think quickly. She grabbed her son’s shiny/floor hockey net and threw it on top of the animal and then put a pot over him. Her next order of business was to call Doug.

“You bought this fucking animal. You never discussed it with me first and I have to house and feed this thing that looks like something I’m trying to catch in mouse traps. You said you would take this thing when the kids are with you and now I have this fucking thing running around the house because you bought a cheap, used piece of shit that was covered with duct tape. You never cease to amaze me with how fucking cheap you are. Are you this fucking cheap with Dawn and her kids? I bet you’re not… Not yet at least. You get over here right now and get this fucking animal and put it back in its cage!”

Doug woke Deirdre on a school day and hustled her over to her mother’s house in her pajamas. Daphne was wearing her thick glasses and a pair of bacon flannel pajamas and a Michigan State pull over. Oh and the Hunter boots.

Doug was a big, strong man but he didn’t like to handle fish or lizards or snakes or rodents. It was going to be his job to reach in a grab the terrified hamster so that it would not take off to another part of the living room. Doug lifted the pot just enough to reach his arm in and feel around for the hamster. Doug felt it in his hand but was afraid he might crush the small animal and loosely tried to remove it. The hamster ran up Doug’s long sleeve shirt and clung to his forearm. Doug screamed like a little girl and shook his arm like it was on fire. The hamster went flying across the room and landed on it’s back on top of a glue board that Daphne had set up for the potential of any mice. Deirdre tried to pry her animal from the glue board. The animal squeaked loudly and moved all four of its legs fiercely in an attempt to get free. Doug had Dawn at home in bed with the other children- the rest of his and all of her’s. Doug had a meeting in a few hours and still needed to get clean clothes for the kids out of the dryer, feed them, make lunches and get them all to school. Deidra screamed as if she was being killed.

“Daddy, do something! President Sanders is stuck to the glue board!”

Doug looked at Daphne with his hands on his hips and pursed lips.

“How could you be so negligent as to leave glue boards on the floor with an animal like this? Now this thing is going to die and I’m going to need to replace it.”

Deirdre screamed louder and cried harder.

“Way to go, Ace… You had to say this in front of your daughter while she’s already stressed. You are a piece of work.”

Doug responded. Daphne rebutted. Deirdre cried more. Daphne hugged Deidra and told her that she would save the hamster. She said she would take him to the vet and make it all better. So how did things get fixed?

At about noon time, Daphne took a picture with a black hamster with a strip of fur shaved off of it’s back and sent it to Doug with a text message.

this animal cost me fifty dollars. a secure home for it cost me another fifty. you can add that to the money you already owe me. going forward, do not buy an animal as a gift. when this thing dies, think of something else.

Doug responded

HOW DID YOU GET THE HAMSTER OFF OF THE GLUE BOARD?

Umm, I called the tooth fairy and santa and begged for a new one that looked like the old one and he arrived under my pillow an hour ago. The little fucker had a heart attack and died right after you left. I bought a new, black, rat looking animal so that our daughter doesn’t need to go for counselling.

COOL. KK.

 

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