Blackhumouristpress's Blog

June 4, 2013

Mr. Rumsfeld comes to Chicago

Chicago gave birth to a new mayor and we shall call him Emanuel (Matthew 1:23) Meaning God is with us in Hebrew. This new mayor, who was once the president’s chief of staff, took the reins of the city of Chicago and came to realize that within the city of Chicago, there was a war going on that he could not win; gang violence that was leaving more people dead in the city of Chicago than in Afghanistan.

After brain storming with numerous people who came up with various weak strategies, the idea came to Emanuel to contact Donald Rumsfeld. The same Rumsfeld that ran the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Rumsfeld came to the mayor’s office, had bourbon on the rocks and talked about some of the best restaurants he ever ate that were right in the city of Chicago. The question came up of Rumsfeld on a strategy to stop the murders in Chicago. Rumsfeld swirled his drink, smiled, squinted, paused and then spoke.

“Strategy is a general plan of action fashioned to achieve a major goal. It is the process by which goals are prioritized and resources marshaled to achieve those goals. Tactics are then used to implement the strategy. Strategy doesn’t begin at one point and end at another. It involves planning and evaluation, requiring trade-offs and decisions along the way. It takes work, thought, and time and then tactics.”
The mayor raised one eyebrow, smiled like the grinch who stole Christmas and asked what Rumsfeld about tactics. Rumsfeld, always elusive danced around the question.
“There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know… Follow me? So if you follow a strategy, a true formulated strategy with a major goal in mind i.e. ridding Chicago of the current nemesis, you must be willing to deal from a position of strength and speak a language that can be understood and respected… My question to you is how willing are you to truly take this on?”
Rahm Emanuel allowed Donald Rumsfeld to turn closed Chicago Public schools into neighborhood detainment centers for questioning. After a drastic drop in murders, the mayor was interested in seeing for himself how the magic worked. The mayor and Rumsfeld sat behind a two-way mirror in what was once a neighborhood grade school and watched a pudgy man by the name of Sal who had a bushy moustache, smoked a cigar, conduct a questioning session.
“Sal was one of our best in the old days,” said Rumsfeld.

“Hey! Fucking look at me!”
Sal grabbed a young eighteen-year-old man by the shirt around the collars and pulled him towards him with the cigar puffing into the face of the young man. Sal then separated his fingers and open-handedly cracked the young man across the face.
“I will ask you again what you know about the murders that occurred on your street while you were on that street…”
“I don’t know shit… I ain’t saying shit and fuck you. Y’all ain’t let me sleep, it cold as fuck in here, you done let snakes out in this room and then they disappear, I pissed in my damn pants cause you got my hands tied up so I can’t get to my shit and then you keep playing that bullshit over and over. 555 and 666.”
The mayor chuckled and asked Rumsfeld about the song. It was the Heretic’s Anthem by Slipknot.
“I heard the song and a lot of it means nothing to me but the idea that we’re dealing with heresy and heretics sold me on using this song to try and induce the desired results. I think we’re close on this one.” Said Rumsfeld.

“So you ain’t got nothing to say?”
“I got this to say; fuck you, your cigar and yo fat white ass…”
“Okay… Time to go for a swim. You know how to swim? Every fat ass white boy knows how to swim. Let’s go swimming.”

The young man was bound securely to a bench, with his feet elevated. A cloth was placed over the forehead and eyes. Water was then poured on the cloth, and the cloth was lowered to cover his mouth and nose. 
 Breathing was then restricted for up to 40 seconds at a time; this caused an increase in carbon dioxide in the young man’s blood. It was designed to simulate suffocation and panic. This last tactic worked.
“Okay… I know who killed that dude. Imma tell you. Just take me out this water.”
Rumsfeld smiled, looked at the mayor who was stunned by what he just witnessed.
“And this is how it works. Wash, rinse and repeat if necessary. Just follow the instructions.”


November 23, 2010

God’s Acre or The Known Unknowns

            There is a town just south and west of Chicago called Plainfield that now in the age of interstates and suburban sprawl, is considered a suburb even though it is some forty miles from Chicago.  The population has tripled in size since 1990 and could quadruple past the current population in the year 2030 when the whole world will quadruple and there will be fewer resources, less land and a lot more ocean. 

            The first Europeans to settle the area proselytized to Pottawatomie Indians about Jesus and god and salvation and all and then wound up with the land which was eventually taken by the state.  Fast forward to the year 1990 and Jed was given a gift by his paternal grandparents of a trailer in a new development for mobile homes called of all things, God’s acre.

            Someone who was familiar with Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, dubbed the park God’s Acre after one of Longfellow’s poems. The developer knew that the land before the mobile home park was a dump site and before that, a Pottawatomie burial ground.  A sign out in front of the mobile home park read:

God’s Acre- This is the field and acre of our god

            The phrase rang well to those who loved and feared god equally and so the developer was able to corral moralists, evangelists and Methodists into buying mobile homes in his Plainfield park of God’s acre. 

The opportunist that had developed the land for a mobile home park had a good cash flow but had bad assets other places that went belly up.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul and Mary, no longer worked and so the land that the homes rested upon went into foreclosure and the entire park

was bought up by a new entity that was a holding company from North Dakota.  A representative came for the closing and then got back quickly to Fargo. 

Now Jed was in arrears on his assessment by some eighteen months.  Jed squandered his disability check at a casino one month and could not pay his assessment.  No letters or calls ever came.  Another month passed and then several more and nobody had ever inquired as to where his assessment was and when it could be expected.  When the Fargo based company bought up the land, they hired an attorney to re-coup debts.  Jed found that he could lose the only thing he owned besides a beat up American Motors Eagle circa 1985 with faux wood and looked to be jacked up but really was designed that way.  The mobile home and car were both gifts from his paternal grandparents.  God bless them.

Jed went to court and was assigned an attorney who represented him the best he could but the reality was that Jed was going to lose his mobile home due to back assessments that he could not pay.  The court was giving him just two weeks to come up with the money or lose his property. 

Jed sat watching the Detroit Lions lose on Thanksgiving Day while he ate a processed turkey breast in gravy that was high in sodium but was really tasty and juicy.  Jed sat watching the game on his television that was about to die as he drank vodka straight from the bottle in hopes that he would get sleepy.  Sleep never came and it had been several days since Jed had any sleep.  Jed was drunk and unable to sleep but in his drunken state, he got the idea to take an over the counter sleep aid to help him sleep.  The sleep aid with nearly a fifth of hard liquor put Jed on the fence between life and death.  While Jed road that fence, he had a vision.  Down from the heavens floated down a beautiful figure in a red and white bikini top and blue bottoms with white stars.  Fifty stars in all.  The beautiful figure wore glasses and held a bolt action rifle as she floated to the ground.  She walked towards Jed who was out on his back porch smoking a cigarette.  Jed was so astounded that he couldn’t speak.  The heavenly figure in the bikini with the bolt action rifle spoke instead.

“Jedidiah…  Do you want to lose this palace?  Do you want to lose what makes the American dream a dream?  A man is a king and this is your kingdom…  What are you prepared to do?”

Jed stuttered as he asked the figure if she was possibly Sarah Palin.

“I am who you think I am, Jedidiah…  I know that you masturbate to pictures of me that really are not me but a Photoshop photo and that’s okay…  We have all sinned.  I am here to ask you what it is that you believe in.  What do you want out of life?  What makes you happy?  What do you feel is possible given your limitations and poor health?”

“I… I don’t know.”

The beautiful figure pushed her glasses back while smiling and never releasing her finger from the trigger of the bolt action rifle.  She bent down and whispered to Jed words of wisdom that Donald Rumsfeld had once spoken before her.  It may have been plagiarism or just a tribute to a man who understood god’s plan and the thrill of war.

“Jedidiah…  As we know, there are known knowns.  There are the things we know we know.  We also know there are known unknowns.  That is to say we know there are things we don’t know.  But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know…  Do you understand?”  Asked the angelic figure.

“You mean like god and taxes and stuff like that?”

“I’m not entirely sure either but I guess what I’m saying is that you have to know what it is that you can do to help the situation at hand.  You can’t just up and join the military…  You’re too old, too fat and too lazy.  What do you know that you know you can do and know that it will work beyond a shadow of a doubt?”

The figure began to rise and she waved and blew a kiss to Jed as he waved back and smiled.  Jed came to on the floor of his mobile home.  His dog was eating his vomit and a grunting man was doing abdomen exercises on television with a device that looked like a large IUD. The next commercial was for a pay per view wrestling smack down of several oiled up men with long hair and tights.  The light suddenly went on in Jed’s foggy head.  Jed felt reassured, hopeful and energized.  He sat up and took a deep breath and exclaimed out loud while his dog licked the remnants of his spew.

“This life is really wonderful…”

Jed sent out invitations to all his friends on Facebook that there was going to be a showdown of showdowns.  The Mexican Luchadores against the American heroes.  People from all over came to see two fat Mexicans in masks take on two fat Americans in wigs.  They hit one another with chairs, tables, watermelons and pulled hair and elbowed one another.  When the dust cleared, Jed had enough money to pay the back assessment and his three friends who believed in what Jed knew to be true; stupidity knows what it knows as well as the unknown.

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