Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 30, 2020

Naked Mole Rats Rule

Travis rationalized at a young age that school was really just a bunch
of bullshit.  He knew he wanted to be a hockey player and if he didn’t
make it to the NHL, he would do something with the sport somewhere.

Travis took French and so that if he were going to get a job one day
with a team, he didn’t want to rule out the Montreal Canadians and so
he did well at French.  Travis actually picked up CBC Francais and
listened to games in French.  It was the other subjects.  After gym
and French, Travis was barely hanging in above a complete failure.
Biology and Math were the driest of all subjects.  Travis’ math
teacher Ms. Cline let Travis know that as his mother’s friend, she
would be letting her know just how poorly Travis was doing.  Ms. Cline
didn’t have Travis’ mother’s number coded into her phone.  She read it
out of an old school book of numbers.  Poor Doris’ eyes were getting
bad in her middle forties.  No menopause yet but eyes were fuzzy.
Somehow Doris Cline was off on the numbers.  Travis’ mother’s number
ended with 7235.  Doris’ poor eyes read the 5 as a 6 and wound up
texting Travis.  Travis couldn’t believe his good fortune.

“Hey girl!  Hope all is well.  I haven’t seen you in a while at
Pilates.  Listen- junior is not cutting in class and he doesn’t seem
to care if he does well or not.  His attitude is poor and he is often
nodding off …  I know he’s a big time hockey guy but no college takes
people who fail.  He’s on the cusp of failure now.  I hate to come to
you with this but I know you care…”

“Oh wow.  I will certainly talk to him.  Thx for telling me.”
Minutes went on without another text.  Doris wrote back again.

“Okay…  Hope you’re not mad.”
“I’m cool.”
“I mean…  It’s all good.  I will handle.”
“Wow, Jill…  You sound like a teenage boy.  Are you getting pounded right now?”

The question stunned Travis.  He never thought of his mother, a
divorced woman of three as a sexual creature.
“Um Doris…  We make love, okay?”
“Um?  Since when do you use um?”
“When you make me sound like an animal.”
“What about your new toy referring to his cock as a naked mole rat
looking for his hole.  How about the night you made so much noise that
the Indians on the other side of your bedroom wall called the police
because they thought you were being killed.”
“OMG!  I’ll have to erase this.  What if my kids find my phone!  I
met another really nice guy on that one site.  He was so sweet but
this is the pic I took of him before I let him hit it with me.”
It was a picture of a grotesquely obese man in a thong, covered with
hair with his pinky pointing at the corner of his mouth.
“No fucking way!”
“Yes fucking way.  It smelled of skunk and ass.  He had more ball
cheese than the state of Wisconsin.”

The thought came to Doris that maybe possibly, she wasn’t
corresponding with Jill and that maybe, quite possibly, she was going
back and forth with Travis.

“Yes, ma’am…”
“Yup…  I’m fixin to aks momma about the naked mole rat finding its
hole.  I can’t imagine what shade of white she will turn to.”
“Listen… Do not do that!  I think we can work this out.”

Now Travis took a few subjects pass/fail.  Math was not one of those
subjects.  Doris Cline had a hard time looking Travis in the eyes but
was floored by his T-shirt. Travis went to the mall and had a shirt
made at a kiosk of a bucktooth weasel holding his cock with one hand
and giving the thumbs up sign with the other.  The shirt read, “Naked
Mole Rats Rule”.  On the back it read, “Filling holes for a real long
time”.  Doris was horrified.  Travis somehow received an A in math
that quarter.

August 2, 2019

Saudade or BS in English

Elise waited for Bill for about an hour at the bar of a new gluten free, vegan restaurant in that hip new area of the city where anyone over the age of forty, looks out of place. She had two organic wines from a small winery in Oregon and felt safe knowing that there was no DDT, herbicides, pesticides or Agent Orange in her wine. She was rail thin with long, straight hair that she constantly put behind her ears as she read from her phone.

Bill posted pictures of himself on a dating site. Bill was not a thin mountain man looking guy. He was sort of a chubby man who loved to correspond with women he never met and had no intention in meeting. After hours of writing back and forth with Elise, poems and even a song he composed on his acoustic guitar, the time had come to meet. Bill forced the meeting when he descriptively described what he was going to do to when he got Elise in a bed. It went something like this-


I will cover the bed in rose pedals. Carlos Antonio Jobim will be playing softly. The aroma of lavender will fill the air from the candles that will alluminate the room just enough for you to see my face and I to see yours. Nothing will need to be said. I will start kissing your arms so gently that it will feel as though I’m hardly touching you. I will kiss your neck so softly while holding the base of your neck. I will gently kiss your top lip and then your bottom. We will become one. I will whisper sweet things in your ear in Portugues- É pau, é pedra,
é o fim do caminho
É um resto de toco,
é um pouco sozinho


Elise read and re-read the message that made her a bit moist every time she read it. Bill had no intention in showing. He knew no Portuguese, owned no candles and lived in the basement of his mother’s home. It was all just a game to him and he thrived on the correspondence. Nothing more. While she waited for Bill, he dropped the bomb on her. In Portuguese. Loosely translated- I found another woman. I ain’t coming.


Eu encontrei o amor da minha vida … tristeza profunda para lhe dizer.



The bartender who looked a little bit like the 1970’s relief pitcher, Rollie Fingers or Salvador Dali with a ridiculous waxed mustache. A skinny man with a healthy libido who saw an opportunity to land another good looking sad chick sitting at the bar having a melt down. He asked Elise if he could read what was written. Two more wines and beet salad on the house and the Uber driver whisked them away to the studio apartment of the bartender. He happened to play ac

acoustic guitar. He happened to know Jobim songs in English. His neighbor had a rose bush and he had one Yankee candle that he lit that smelled a bit like citrus that masked the smell of unwashed clothes. Was love found and nurtured from that day on? I would have to say no. There are many men who set the table just for other men to eat upon.

July 10, 2019

Catfish… Yum Or She’s Perfect on Paper

Jake had friends that had met women from other countries on line and it really worked out well for them. There was Chuck who corresponded with a Thai woman working in Cairo at a hotel. Chuck back around the time Morsi was deposed by the military in Egypt, went to collect the love of his life and bring her back to his two-bedroom palace in Detroit. It didn’t matter that for six months his wife needed her phone to correspond with Chuck. A whole lot less fighting.

Paul went to Bogotá in Columbia and found a beauty of a woman who liked to cook and liked to clean and do whatever Paul was in the mood to do. Being twenty years his junior was a strong plus.


Jake decided to try his hand. Jake met Ann on a dating site for intelligent people. Jake was so intelligent that he never stopped to think that maybe corresponding with strangers in Dubai, might not be… intelligent.


Ann- Hey, my name is Ann. I saw your profile and you look totally for what I’m looking for in a man.


Jake saw a tall, thin, woman with a beautiful face and was hooked like a fish.


Jake- My name is Jake… I live in Milwaukee. Where are you?


Ann- I am the daughter of a Basque fisherman who lived in Belgium. I grew up speaking Basque, French, Flemish and German. My Amona, that is Basque for grandma, would have me all summer in San Sebastian. What about you?


Jake- We went to Door County a lot. It’s in northern Wisconsin. Your English is really good.


Ann- Merci


Jake stood at the computer waiting for Ann to say something and then after a few hours, she gave her telephone number but claimed in didn’t work in Dubai. They kept corresponding via the site. Jake had a few drinks one night and received a picture of Ann in a bathing suit and was out of his mind with desire. Ann would write to Jake often and then not for a while. Jake would stare at the screen like a dog watching a door for their master to return. After weeks, things seemed to be heading in a positive direction and the desire to meet Ann grew so strong that Jake was consumed all day long with thoughts of being with her. It was like those men you hear about in jail that receive letters from women on the outside. Those men are willing to break out of jail just to meet those special women. Jake was of the same mindset.


Jake- Listen I have free time and have always wanted to come to Dubai. I have a passport and I think you and I have something special between us. I dream of you with my eyes awake.


Ann- Oh my god! I totally feel the same way. I want to serve you breakfast in bed and massage you. I want to come to the states and eat at Outback with you.


Jake- Outback?! Um… I don’t go there ever. Have you been there?


Ann- Well we can go somewhere else too. Hey, I don’t want to spring this on you but if you do come, would you mind terribly taking care of something for me?


Jake- What’s that?


Ann- I have some money that I left in an account in Kenya that I cannot leave the country to get it. Would you mind terribly making a stop for me? I will tell you which bank to go to and they will give you the money we need to start a new life together. I cannot wait to leave Dubai and begin our new life in Milwaukee. I want to eat sausages, eat cheese and drink beer. When you get here, I am going to make love to you until you beg me to stop. I cannot wait to feel your hands all over my body. We will be one and it will be the greatest experience of our lives. Hurry my love.


Jake would have gone to the moon for her and just about did. He hopped on a flight to Nairobi. Upon landing, he grabbed the first cab he could find. He woke up hours later with his hands tied behind his back. Across the room were two men watching a soccer match on a small television, both were smoking. Jake asked what was going on. A large man with braids and a large gap between his front teeth stood and rubbed his belly.

“I am more attractive in a bathing suit… Let’s talk about getting some money.”

Love is often not what it appears to be and that is sad when you think about it.

January 17, 2018

Looking For Love

Filed under: america,humor,humour,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 2:12 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Male late 30’s seeks compatible female under 30 for a relationship and
possibly more   Somebody that is hot but no so hot that I can’t deal
with you.  If you’re not into sex for whatever hang up or reason,
you’re not for me.  If you have to have Indian food, please do not do
it too often cause the smell of curry makes me ill.  You have to have
been born a woman and always considered yourself female.  I don’t want
anyone who was once a dude… Sorry, guys. No bi or tri, group sexers,
swappers or twisted types that want to put shit up my ass.  Please no
stupid tattoos or weirdo piercings.  I do have video game night with
my buds on Tuesdays, I like country music and do occasionally watch
wrestiling. I like long walks on the beach but I hope you don’t mind
if my dogs come with.  I don’t mind chick flicks if you’ll
occasionally see a good war movie with me.  I have a thing about going
down on a woman unless she is completely shaved and pristine.  If you
are- I’m amazing.  A true vagitarian ☺. Please don’t respond if you’re
taking medication for anxiety or depression. I don’t do crazy. I can
live with the basic monthly mood swings. If you have kids or are
“kinda” in a relationship, you can skip me.  I don’t want militant,
overly political or someone who lives their life on social media.  You
put down your phone to talk to me and I promise to look right into
your eyes ☺.

So let me tell you about me. I’m fit, good looking, intelligent, have
a good job, two good cars, a nice home and a timeshare in Mexico.  I
work out daily and never have less than 25,000 steps on my Fit Bit and
under 10% body fat.   I like to eat out.  If you’re caught up on
vegetarian, vegan or are a gluten Nazi,  I’m probably not your guy.
If you saw me out, you would look at me twice. I’m not religious but
consider myself Christian.  I love football- college, pro and
lingerie. I love craft beer and margaritas, the color red and know how
to swing dance if you’re into that.  I can play the guitar a little
and have 1970 Dodge Charger with a Hemi engine in cherry condition. I
know there’s a lot here but I don’t want to waste your time and please
don’t waste mine.  I think I offer something special to the right
person of interest.  Okay? Cool.

May 4, 2010

Detroit’s Sexiest Cop

Kate saw a poster of Kwame Kilpatrick, looking down with a stern face, pointing his index finger at anyone looking at him with the words, “Detroit Wants You”.  At the time Kate was working with inner city kids in an after school program where she supervised playing and doing homework until it was absolutely necessary for the children to go home.  Kate was the epitome of whiteness with her reddish blond hair and freckles.  She stood out among the African-American children who were part of the after school program.

            Kate had gone to Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan and had a bachelor’s degree in Art.  Kate loved art and had done a semester in Paris so that she could study the old churches throughout France.  Kate found it nearly impossible to find a job as an art teacher anywhere in the metro Detroit area and so resorted to substitute teaching and running an after school program to make ends meet.

            Around the age of twenty one, Kate had married and had a son.  The marriage didn’t last and the father took off never to be seen again.  Kate raised her son Jim alone.  Jim wore sagging stove pipe jeans and skate boarding shoes.  He usually wore several different t shirts related to skateboarding, his hair was long, and he made homemade tattoos and watched a lot of Jackass on MTV when he wasn’t out near the parking garage of their downtown Detroit condominium doing the same tricks over and over on his skateboard. 

            Kate was distraught over her under employment, her teenaged son who hated the world and the void of a man in her life.  She looked at a picture of the mayor of Detroit and said to her, “Fuck it…  I’ll be a cop”.

            Within eighteen months, Kate had become a police officer for the Detroit Police.  Her son told her that he hated cops but didn’t hate her so much.  This was while she tried to show off her smart new uniform to him while he played X-Box and ate a Little Caesar’s pizza.

            Kate had talked to a few girlfriends that were doing internet dating and so she decided to give it a try.  The first half dozen dates were a total flop.  The men were either intimidated by the fact that Kate was a police officer or they were drawn to her only for that reason.  Two stated on the first and only dates, that they wanted to be handcuffed.

            “So um…  Do you have your cuffs with you?”

            “Um…  Do you have your computer with you?”

            Kate became despondent over her prospects but then received a nice message from a fitness instructor from Farmington Hills.  The man, who was thirty five years of age, was in shape and youthful looking.  Tom sent thoughtful messages and asked appropriate questions and had offered to take Kate out to dinner in Greektown and then to a Red Wings playoff game.  It sounded like a great first date for Kate.

            The day of the date, Kate was nervous and preoccupied.  She had detail near Comerica Park where the Detroit Tigers played.  There happened to be an afternoon game and Kate was sent to keep an eye on traffic near the ball park.  People filed in and out uneventfully for the most part.  It was in the middle of the fifth inning that Kate noticed a man pissing on the east side of the Detroit Opera House.

            Kate was sitting in her squad car listening to the Tigers game on the radio when she noticed a man with a Tigers jersey on, running towards the opera house.  In bright sun shine of an afternoon game, a man facing the wall with VERLANDER across his back, pissed for a good two minutes.  Once finished, Kate was standing nearby to make the arrest.

            “With all the shit that goes on in this town, you’re arresting me for pissing?”

            “Sir, if everyone pissed on the opera house, what would that building smell like?  Huh?  Better yet, why don’t I invite everyone from the opera house to come and piss on your house?  Would you like that?”

            “Come on, ma’am…  Cut me some slack.  I never even had a parking ticket before.  I been taking Dianetics for some health stuff and I can’t hold it and there was a million guys waiting in line by the bleachers and so I had to make a snap decision.  It’s my fault.  I met the boys for a few before the game at Chelios’ place and then they kept buying at the park and well with the pills to flush my kidneys, there was no way to hold it.”

            “Did you say Dianetics?”

            The pleading fell on deaf ears.  Kate took the culprit in and he was charged with drunk and disorderly.  After filling out the paper work, Kate went home to get ready for her date.  At first she put on a skirt with a tight blouse that showed her tight stomach and perky boobs and then she changed into a pair of jeans and a loose long sleeved top.  She then put on two dresses and tried to decide if she would wear her hair down or up or use a clip to keep the bangs up.  There was a lot of agony as she readied herself for the date.  Her son blasted songs from the Insane Clown Posse in the next room.

            “Jimbo… can you turn that down.  It’s so loud…”

            “Fuck wine coolers, fuck chickens, fuck ducks, everybody in your crew sucks…”

            Kate tried to curl her hair at the tips slightly and felt that it was looking a little to Mary Tyler Moore and it was getting too late to straighten it.  The fowl language and audio level of the song being blasted from Jim’s room was beginning to compound Kate’s frustration.

            “Turn that shit down or I will fucking break it… Do you hear me?”

            “Fuck your mom, fuck your mom’s momma…  Fuck the Beastie Boys and the Dalai Lama…”

            Kate came into the bedroom and ripped the electrical cord from the wall.  Jim had been laying in bed zoning out after sniffing a rag full of turpentine with some of his skate boarding buddies near Hart Plaza.  Jim had his eyes closed and was picturing himself telling everyone in his life to go fuck themselves as he listened to the song, Fuck the World.

            “I swear I will send you to a military school if you don’t show me some respect very soon, little man.  I’ve about had it with your sulking, angry attitude.  What the hell do you have to be so upset about?  I’m out busting my ass to provide a place for you and all I get is grief.  Keep it up and see what I do.  You’ll have some sadistic former drill instructor with his foot so far up your ass; you’ll swear you can taste leather… Keep testing me, son.”

            And with that, Kate slammed the door.  She wore a cute pair of pumps and a tight dress that showed off her figure but did not come across as slut like.  Kate grabbed a cab and was at the restaurant in Greektown in minutes.  Kate sat on a bench in the waiting area and prayed that each man who came through the door was either her date or not.  After a few minutes, Kate was blind sided.  Her date approached from the opposite direction.  He had camped out early at the bar so that he could see her walk in first.  He walked up and smiled at Kate and extended his hand.  Kate felt that her date looked better in person than in the photo on the dating site.  Kate kept looking at the man who looked so familiar to her as they dipped their French bread in olive oil and waited for their wine.  Kate’s hair was down and she wore make up and lip stick and looked very much like a lady than a female cop.  Kate listened to the man speak and studied his face until it all came together for her.  She posed a question while they toasted their glasses of Greek red wine.

            “So how do you feel about the opera, Mr. Verlander?”

November 29, 2009

Internet Dating

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 9:25 am
Tags: , , , ,

Jack, and if you can believe this, Jill, met via online dating. For Jack, he grew tired of going out to clubs with his friends just to stand and watch others dancing and meeting at night clubs. For Jill, she had heard from a few girlfriends that for all the hoards of frogs that there are out there, a few princes do exist. Two of her girlfriends found compatible mates and married and so for Jill, she felt that there was hope for her.
As far as curves and scales go, both Jack and Jill were moderately attractive. Jack started working out a few years back when his father had quadruple bi-pass surgery. In the recovery room, Jack’s father had tubes sticking out of his chest and a breathing device strapped to his face. The idea that he one day could end up like his father in a hospital, drove Jack to begin to begin physical exercise around the age of thirty. Jack was thirty five on the first date with Jill. Aside from being fit, Jack wore horned rim glasses and wore his hair on weekends to look like rats ran about on top of his head. Hair went every which way and stayed that way with the help of mousse. Jack looked at the models in his Men’s Health Magazine and decided that if he was going to land the woman of his dreams, he had better get more hip with the look. Jack showed up in a collared shirt untucked with a black vest, worn looking jeans that were frayed at the bottom and a pair of black shoes. The Men’s Health Magazine told him to wear cologne with Pheromones so that subliminally his date would be more prone to want him sexually. Something about neurotransmitters something something. Men don’t remember the details as much as they remember that the pheromones can trigger sexual excitement.
Jill had posted a really attractive picture of herself with her ex-boyfriend who was really her fiancé but since there was never really a true date picked, he was more of an uncommitted boyfriend. The picture was from New Year’s Eve 2001. Jill had a great smile in the picture; she was trim and showed maximum cleavage in her silvery sparkling dress. All that remained in the picture that would lead anyone to think that she was with someone was the hand that rested on her shoulder without a body on the other side of it. Yes the picture was of Jill and yes it was from nine years earlier, but she really did not think she had aged that much or gained that much weight and her smile created the best picture of herself that she could ever remember taking. Jill dressed in a summer dress that went a few inches above her knee and showed off her toned legs and arms. Jill had been running along the banks of Lake Michigan and had a healthy look to her. Jill was confident albeit nervous to be meeting yet another man at a restaurant in downtown Chicago in hopes of finding someone that would be compatible enough to lock in with or at least want to see again. On paper and in the brief conversations, Jack seemed like a regular guy and so she agreed to meet Jack for dinner.
Jill sat at the bar of the Spanish Restaurant and ordered Sangria while she pretended to look at a message on her cell phone, fully aware that Jack had exited a cab out in front of the restaurant and was walking towards her.
“Oh hi! You must be Jack…”
They both wondered what they should do next. Would it be too cold and distant to extend a hand or should we hug? Jack was going to extend his hand when Jill reached out and hugged him. Jack nervously hugged and patted Jill on the back the way Gorbachev hugged Reagan at one of their summit meetings, with slaps on the back.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I decided to take a cab and the cabbie took the scenic route here and well anyway… That is shall we say, my bad…” said Jack.
“Um… That’s fine, that’s fine. Things happen, you know… Should we tell them we’re here?”
A perky young woman led the way past tables and tables of other couples who were dining out on a warm summer evening. Jack couldn’t help but look at the ass of the hostess. It was very tight looking and symmetrical and it appeared as though she was wearing no underwear. To Jack and many other men, there is the allure of no underwear. The hostess walked away. Out of sight, out of mind.
Jill smiled nervously to show a cute dimple on one cheek. Jack had not noticed that Jill had a clef chin in her photos. It was a little too Kirk Douglas for him. It was a demerit to be certain but not a deal killer yet. Jack did notice her ass too and her plump looking chest that showed just enough cleavage but not too much so that other woman nearby would comment to their dates.
“I love Spanish food. Tapas is totally my favorite right now. I was sort of on a sushi kick for a while and then Dr. Oz killed it by showing everyone the microbes that live on tuna and so I’m like done with sushi right now. I so want to go to Spain someday. I bet the Tapas there is unreal,” said Jill, while holding the sides of her chair, bouncing her left leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Oh yeah… I love good Tapas. I was in Spain a few years back and it was, shall we say, quite awesome,” said Jack, while looking around the room rather than at Jill.
Jill took notice of the lack of eye contact and the furrowed brow. Jack had a permanent look of worry on his face due to his furrowed brow. It made him look rather unapproachable to most women. So far Jill thought Jack was acting like a pompous asshole but she wasn’t ready to trade him in yet. Just then Jack was getting a phone call. He held his index finger up and answered his client. Jack was an attorney and his client was the father of an eighteen year old who had been busted for open alcohol and marijuana in his car.
“Yes Mr. Anderson, I got your message and had every intention of calling you back. I’m currently at dinner with a friend and am not at liberty to discuss the case with you. You have, shall we say, my word that I will call you first thing in the morning. We’ll pow wow before court and I’m sure I can get him supervision. At some point though, throwing money at problems is not going to save him, shall we say… Okay, okay then… I’ll call you tomorrow morning… Right, right… Okay then… Yes, yes… Will do… Buh bye…” said Jack.
Jill dialled her sister Jenny and hung up. Jenny was instructed to take Jill’s call in the event of an encounter with a total freak. Jenny called back immediately. Jill did it to show Jack just how inconsiderate in was to take a call. Jack didn’t get the message. Instead he took the chance to check messages on his Blackberry. Jill saw this and hung up right away, telling her sister that she had pocket dialled her by mistake.
“Once again, I’m so sorry about the interruption. It’s a good friend of a friend whose son got himself into trouble with the law and is facing jail time for not complying with the judges orders,” said Jack.
“Right, right… You said you were an attorney,” said Jill.
“And you work for a realtor?” Asked Jack.
“Yes… I’m the personal assistant of this woman who is like one of the top sellers in Chicago. She gets most of her leads through the women’s club of the North Shore,” said Jill, still bouncing her leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Well that’s cool…” said Jack, even though he really did not think it was cool.
Jack told Jill about running a 5K in New England and about his Alaskan vacation and co-ed volleyball on Tuesday nights. Jack mentioned that he really loves to listen to Jazz and was a fan of Frank Lloyd Wright homes. Jill mentioned that she did spin classes and swam three days a week and that she really liked Maroon Five and Sugar Ray and that she had tickets to see Sugar Ray later that summer. Jack had never heard of Maroon Five or Sugar Ray. He said he had heard of Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Leonard. It was an attempt at a joke. Jill wasn’t familiar with the boxers and so the joke died.
Jill had been to Las Vegas and really wanted to go to Arizona but had never really been too many places. Jill was a Cubs fan and Jack said he really did not like baseball. Jack said he kind of liked football but really didn’t. Jack just did not want to come off like an irregular guy.
Jack and Jill finished a pitcher of sangria which was about three glasses each. Jill was quite buzzed and Jack felt mellow. The bill came and Jack had figured out that he had dropped is wallet. Suddenly the buzz and glow was gone. The realization that all his credit cards were gone just about ruined his night. Jill paid for the dinner even though she knew she was overdrawn on her debit card and would be getting a call from the bank Monday morning. Luckily it went through. Jill was scared that she may have reached the $1,000.00 overdraft limit. She had $22.00 before she reached $1000.00.
Jack and Jill went back to Jack’s apartment in a cab. The whole way to Jack’s house, Jack was too distracted to talk at all. Jack kept thinking about his accounts being cleaned out. Jill sat in the cab looking out the window on the right side with her arms folded. Jack ordered the cab to wait as he galloped up the steps to his townhouse. He emerged with a look of relief on his face as he held up his chunky looking wallet with over a dozen cards and wads of cash.
“God! What a relief! I though I left it in the cab I came over in and then I thought it may have fallen out of my back pocket… Here, I’ll take care of the cab…” said Jack.
Jill refused to take the $120.00 for the meal and drinks but Jack would not have it. They went back and forth for a while until Jill finally accepted. Jack then asked Jill if she would like a glass of red wine and to sit up on his roof deck. Jill said yes.
Up on the roof was a beautiful view of downtown Chicago and the near south side. Jill saw the hot tub and asked how often Jack used it. Jack offered the tub and Jill accepted. A gentle breeze blew across them as they sat in the hot tub, holding up their red wine in their glasses, listening to jazz on Jack’s Bose audio system and looking at the skyline. The more Jill drank, the more she liked Jack. Jack loosened up and became wittier and less pompous. Between them, they finished off a bottle of red wine and wound up kissing and embracing in the hot tub. Before long they were in Jack’s bed in the throes of passion. Jill closed her eyes while Jack orally stimulated her. Jack was spelling out the alphabet in cursive on her clitoris while Jill moaned a bit and pulled on his hair. Jack got as far as the letter L before Jill pulled him and guided him towards their consummate moment. Jack learned about the alphabet spelling on the clitoris from the Men’s Health Magazine too. They claimed he would not have to get to the letter Z and they were right.
Jill woke up feeling dehydrated and had a strong headache at the base of her skull by her neck. Jack was outside on the deck talking to another client in his underwear. The digital clock said nearly two in the morning. Jill suddenly felt silly lying in the bed of a man she did not really know or know if she would ever see again. What would they say to one another once Jack got done talking on his cell phone? Would he feel boxed in and really want Jill out of his house? Jill didn’t want that to be the case. Jill decided to make a pre-emptive move. Jill slipped on all her clothes and walked out of the front door. Jill caught a cab on South State Street and went home. As Jill lay in her bed next to her Calico Cat, she thought about the entire evening. She began to drift off when she received a text message from Jack.
“Wow! I must really have missed the mark tonight. I’m sorry you felt you had to leave.”
Jill wasn’t sure how to respond. She really wished she had not left after all after receiving his response. While she was thinking about what to say, another text from Jack came through.
“Okay… I’ll go out on a limb. I find you really attractive, smart and pretty. I did not lure you back to my cave in hopes of sinking you. I really did think I lost my wallet and since we were at my place, I thought we could just stay. I thought you had a good time and maybe you did. Maybe this is just what you do. A million first dates. Well hope you had a good time. Jack.”
Jill laid in bed smiling. In the battle of the sexes, she had won. Jill went from feeling like she had conceded too early to feeling like the winner in the driver’s seat. Jill began to type while gently biting her bottom lip.
“You passed the test. It all hinged on your response. You’re a prince and not a frog… How do you feel about a jog by the lake tomorrow and then some brunch?”
Jack responded quickly.
“I would like that more than I could tell you. Sleep tight. Until the morning. Jack.”

Blog at