Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 17, 2018

Looking For Love

Filed under: america,humor,humour,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 2:12 am
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Male late 30’s seeks compatible female under 30 for a relationship and
possibly more   Somebody that is hot but no so hot that I can’t deal
with you.  If you’re not into sex for whatever hang up or reason,
you’re not for me.  If you have to have Indian food, please do not do
it too often cause the smell of curry makes me ill.  You have to have
been born a woman and always considered yourself female.  I don’t want
anyone who was once a dude… Sorry, guys. No bi or tri, group sexers,
swappers or twisted types that want to put shit up my ass.  Please no
stupid tattoos or weirdo piercings.  I do have video game night with
my buds on Tuesdays, I like country music and do occasionally watch
wrestiling. I like long walks on the beach but I hope you don’t mind
if my dogs come with.  I don’t mind chick flicks if you’ll
occasionally see a good war movie with me.  I have a thing about going
down on a woman unless she is completely shaved and pristine.  If you
are- I’m amazing.  A true vagitarian ☺. Please don’t respond if you’re
taking medication for anxiety or depression. I don’t do crazy. I can
live with the basic monthly mood swings. If you have kids or are
“kinda” in a relationship, you can skip me.  I don’t want militant,
overly political or someone who lives their life on social media.  You
put down your phone to talk to me and I promise to look right into
your eyes ☺.

So let me tell you about me. I’m fit, good looking, intelligent, have
a good job, two good cars, a nice home and a timeshare in Mexico.  I
work out daily and never have less than 25,000 steps on my Fit Bit and
under 10% body fat.   I like to eat out.  If you’re caught up on
vegetarian, vegan or are a gluten Nazi,  I’m probably not your guy.
If you saw me out, you would look at me twice. I’m not religious but
consider myself Christian.  I love football- college, pro and
lingerie. I love craft beer and margaritas, the color red and know how
to swing dance if you’re into that.  I can play the guitar a little
and have 1970 Dodge Charger with a Hemi engine in cherry condition. I
know there’s a lot here but I don’t want to waste your time and please
don’t waste mine.  I think I offer something special to the right
person of interest.  Okay? Cool.

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May 4, 2010

Detroit’s Sexiest Cop

Kate saw a poster of Kwame Kilpatrick, looking down with a stern face, pointing his index finger at anyone looking at him with the words, “Detroit Wants You”.  At the time Kate was working with inner city kids in an after school program where she supervised playing and doing homework until it was absolutely necessary for the children to go home.  Kate was the epitome of whiteness with her reddish blond hair and freckles.  She stood out among the African-American children who were part of the after school program.

            Kate had gone to Oakland University in Rochester, Michigan and had a bachelor’s degree in Art.  Kate loved art and had done a semester in Paris so that she could study the old churches throughout France.  Kate found it nearly impossible to find a job as an art teacher anywhere in the metro Detroit area and so resorted to substitute teaching and running an after school program to make ends meet.

            Around the age of twenty one, Kate had married and had a son.  The marriage didn’t last and the father took off never to be seen again.  Kate raised her son Jim alone.  Jim wore sagging stove pipe jeans and skate boarding shoes.  He usually wore several different t shirts related to skateboarding, his hair was long, and he made homemade tattoos and watched a lot of Jackass on MTV when he wasn’t out near the parking garage of their downtown Detroit condominium doing the same tricks over and over on his skateboard. 

            Kate was distraught over her under employment, her teenaged son who hated the world and the void of a man in her life.  She looked at a picture of the mayor of Detroit and said to her, “Fuck it…  I’ll be a cop”.

            Within eighteen months, Kate had become a police officer for the Detroit Police.  Her son told her that he hated cops but didn’t hate her so much.  This was while she tried to show off her smart new uniform to him while he played X-Box and ate a Little Caesar’s pizza.

            Kate had talked to a few girlfriends that were doing internet dating and so she decided to give it a try.  The first half dozen dates were a total flop.  The men were either intimidated by the fact that Kate was a police officer or they were drawn to her only for that reason.  Two stated on the first and only dates, that they wanted to be handcuffed.

            “So um…  Do you have your cuffs with you?”

            “Um…  Do you have your computer with you?”

            Kate became despondent over her prospects but then received a nice message from a fitness instructor from Farmington Hills.  The man, who was thirty five years of age, was in shape and youthful looking.  Tom sent thoughtful messages and asked appropriate questions and had offered to take Kate out to dinner in Greektown and then to a Red Wings playoff game.  It sounded like a great first date for Kate.

            The day of the date, Kate was nervous and preoccupied.  She had detail near Comerica Park where the Detroit Tigers played.  There happened to be an afternoon game and Kate was sent to keep an eye on traffic near the ball park.  People filed in and out uneventfully for the most part.  It was in the middle of the fifth inning that Kate noticed a man pissing on the east side of the Detroit Opera House.

            Kate was sitting in her squad car listening to the Tigers game on the radio when she noticed a man with a Tigers jersey on, running towards the opera house.  In bright sun shine of an afternoon game, a man facing the wall with VERLANDER across his back, pissed for a good two minutes.  Once finished, Kate was standing nearby to make the arrest.

            “With all the shit that goes on in this town, you’re arresting me for pissing?”

            “Sir, if everyone pissed on the opera house, what would that building smell like?  Huh?  Better yet, why don’t I invite everyone from the opera house to come and piss on your house?  Would you like that?”

            “Come on, ma’am…  Cut me some slack.  I never even had a parking ticket before.  I been taking Dianetics for some health stuff and I can’t hold it and there was a million guys waiting in line by the bleachers and so I had to make a snap decision.  It’s my fault.  I met the boys for a few before the game at Chelios’ place and then they kept buying at the park and well with the pills to flush my kidneys, there was no way to hold it.”

            “Did you say Dianetics?”

            The pleading fell on deaf ears.  Kate took the culprit in and he was charged with drunk and disorderly.  After filling out the paper work, Kate went home to get ready for her date.  At first she put on a skirt with a tight blouse that showed her tight stomach and perky boobs and then she changed into a pair of jeans and a loose long sleeved top.  She then put on two dresses and tried to decide if she would wear her hair down or up or use a clip to keep the bangs up.  There was a lot of agony as she readied herself for the date.  Her son blasted songs from the Insane Clown Posse in the next room.

            “Jimbo… can you turn that down.  It’s so loud…”

            “Fuck wine coolers, fuck chickens, fuck ducks, everybody in your crew sucks…”

            Kate tried to curl her hair at the tips slightly and felt that it was looking a little to Mary Tyler Moore and it was getting too late to straighten it.  The fowl language and audio level of the song being blasted from Jim’s room was beginning to compound Kate’s frustration.

            “Turn that shit down or I will fucking break it… Do you hear me?”

            “Fuck your mom, fuck your mom’s momma…  Fuck the Beastie Boys and the Dalai Lama…”

            Kate came into the bedroom and ripped the electrical cord from the wall.  Jim had been laying in bed zoning out after sniffing a rag full of turpentine with some of his skate boarding buddies near Hart Plaza.  Jim had his eyes closed and was picturing himself telling everyone in his life to go fuck themselves as he listened to the song, Fuck the World.

            “I swear I will send you to a military school if you don’t show me some respect very soon, little man.  I’ve about had it with your sulking, angry attitude.  What the hell do you have to be so upset about?  I’m out busting my ass to provide a place for you and all I get is grief.  Keep it up and see what I do.  You’ll have some sadistic former drill instructor with his foot so far up your ass; you’ll swear you can taste leather… Keep testing me, son.”

            And with that, Kate slammed the door.  She wore a cute pair of pumps and a tight dress that showed off her figure but did not come across as slut like.  Kate grabbed a cab and was at the restaurant in Greektown in minutes.  Kate sat on a bench in the waiting area and prayed that each man who came through the door was either her date or not.  After a few minutes, Kate was blind sided.  Her date approached from the opposite direction.  He had camped out early at the bar so that he could see her walk in first.  He walked up and smiled at Kate and extended his hand.  Kate felt that her date looked better in person than in the photo on the dating site.  Kate kept looking at the man who looked so familiar to her as they dipped their French bread in olive oil and waited for their wine.  Kate’s hair was down and she wore make up and lip stick and looked very much like a lady than a female cop.  Kate listened to the man speak and studied his face until it all came together for her.  She posed a question while they toasted their glasses of Greek red wine.

            “So how do you feel about the opera, Mr. Verlander?”

November 29, 2009

Internet Dating

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 9:25 am
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Jack, and if you can believe this, Jill, met via online dating. For Jack, he grew tired of going out to clubs with his friends just to stand and watch others dancing and meeting at night clubs. For Jill, she had heard from a few girlfriends that for all the hoards of frogs that there are out there, a few princes do exist. Two of her girlfriends found compatible mates and married and so for Jill, she felt that there was hope for her.
As far as curves and scales go, both Jack and Jill were moderately attractive. Jack started working out a few years back when his father had quadruple bi-pass surgery. In the recovery room, Jack’s father had tubes sticking out of his chest and a breathing device strapped to his face. The idea that he one day could end up like his father in a hospital, drove Jack to begin to begin physical exercise around the age of thirty. Jack was thirty five on the first date with Jill. Aside from being fit, Jack wore horned rim glasses and wore his hair on weekends to look like rats ran about on top of his head. Hair went every which way and stayed that way with the help of mousse. Jack looked at the models in his Men’s Health Magazine and decided that if he was going to land the woman of his dreams, he had better get more hip with the look. Jack showed up in a collared shirt untucked with a black vest, worn looking jeans that were frayed at the bottom and a pair of black shoes. The Men’s Health Magazine told him to wear cologne with Pheromones so that subliminally his date would be more prone to want him sexually. Something about neurotransmitters something something. Men don’t remember the details as much as they remember that the pheromones can trigger sexual excitement.
Jill had posted a really attractive picture of herself with her ex-boyfriend who was really her fiancé but since there was never really a true date picked, he was more of an uncommitted boyfriend. The picture was from New Year’s Eve 2001. Jill had a great smile in the picture; she was trim and showed maximum cleavage in her silvery sparkling dress. All that remained in the picture that would lead anyone to think that she was with someone was the hand that rested on her shoulder without a body on the other side of it. Yes the picture was of Jill and yes it was from nine years earlier, but she really did not think she had aged that much or gained that much weight and her smile created the best picture of herself that she could ever remember taking. Jill dressed in a summer dress that went a few inches above her knee and showed off her toned legs and arms. Jill had been running along the banks of Lake Michigan and had a healthy look to her. Jill was confident albeit nervous to be meeting yet another man at a restaurant in downtown Chicago in hopes of finding someone that would be compatible enough to lock in with or at least want to see again. On paper and in the brief conversations, Jack seemed like a regular guy and so she agreed to meet Jack for dinner.
Jill sat at the bar of the Spanish Restaurant and ordered Sangria while she pretended to look at a message on her cell phone, fully aware that Jack had exited a cab out in front of the restaurant and was walking towards her.
“Jill?”
“Oh hi! You must be Jack…”
They both wondered what they should do next. Would it be too cold and distant to extend a hand or should we hug? Jack was going to extend his hand when Jill reached out and hugged him. Jack nervously hugged and patted Jill on the back the way Gorbachev hugged Reagan at one of their summit meetings, with slaps on the back.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I decided to take a cab and the cabbie took the scenic route here and well anyway… That is shall we say, my bad…” said Jack.
“Um… That’s fine, that’s fine. Things happen, you know… Should we tell them we’re here?”
A perky young woman led the way past tables and tables of other couples who were dining out on a warm summer evening. Jack couldn’t help but look at the ass of the hostess. It was very tight looking and symmetrical and it appeared as though she was wearing no underwear. To Jack and many other men, there is the allure of no underwear. The hostess walked away. Out of sight, out of mind.
Jill smiled nervously to show a cute dimple on one cheek. Jack had not noticed that Jill had a clef chin in her photos. It was a little too Kirk Douglas for him. It was a demerit to be certain but not a deal killer yet. Jack did notice her ass too and her plump looking chest that showed just enough cleavage but not too much so that other woman nearby would comment to their dates.
“I love Spanish food. Tapas is totally my favorite right now. I was sort of on a sushi kick for a while and then Dr. Oz killed it by showing everyone the microbes that live on tuna and so I’m like done with sushi right now. I so want to go to Spain someday. I bet the Tapas there is unreal,” said Jill, while holding the sides of her chair, bouncing her left leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Oh yeah… I love good Tapas. I was in Spain a few years back and it was, shall we say, quite awesome,” said Jack, while looking around the room rather than at Jill.
Jill took notice of the lack of eye contact and the furrowed brow. Jack had a permanent look of worry on his face due to his furrowed brow. It made him look rather unapproachable to most women. So far Jill thought Jack was acting like a pompous asshole but she wasn’t ready to trade him in yet. Just then Jack was getting a phone call. He held his index finger up and answered his client. Jack was an attorney and his client was the father of an eighteen year old who had been busted for open alcohol and marijuana in his car.
“Yes Mr. Anderson, I got your message and had every intention of calling you back. I’m currently at dinner with a friend and am not at liberty to discuss the case with you. You have, shall we say, my word that I will call you first thing in the morning. We’ll pow wow before court and I’m sure I can get him supervision. At some point though, throwing money at problems is not going to save him, shall we say… Okay, okay then… I’ll call you tomorrow morning… Right, right… Okay then… Yes, yes… Will do… Buh bye…” said Jack.
Jill dialled her sister Jenny and hung up. Jenny was instructed to take Jill’s call in the event of an encounter with a total freak. Jenny called back immediately. Jill did it to show Jack just how inconsiderate in was to take a call. Jack didn’t get the message. Instead he took the chance to check messages on his Blackberry. Jill saw this and hung up right away, telling her sister that she had pocket dialled her by mistake.
“Once again, I’m so sorry about the interruption. It’s a good friend of a friend whose son got himself into trouble with the law and is facing jail time for not complying with the judges orders,” said Jack.
“Right, right… You said you were an attorney,” said Jill.
“And you work for a realtor?” Asked Jack.
“Yes… I’m the personal assistant of this woman who is like one of the top sellers in Chicago. She gets most of her leads through the women’s club of the North Shore,” said Jill, still bouncing her leg and hunching her shoulders.
“Well that’s cool…” said Jack, even though he really did not think it was cool.
Jack told Jill about running a 5K in New England and about his Alaskan vacation and co-ed volleyball on Tuesday nights. Jack mentioned that he really loves to listen to Jazz and was a fan of Frank Lloyd Wright homes. Jill mentioned that she did spin classes and swam three days a week and that she really liked Maroon Five and Sugar Ray and that she had tickets to see Sugar Ray later that summer. Jack had never heard of Maroon Five or Sugar Ray. He said he had heard of Sugar Ray Robinson and Sugar Ray Leonard. It was an attempt at a joke. Jill wasn’t familiar with the boxers and so the joke died.
Jill had been to Las Vegas and really wanted to go to Arizona but had never really been too many places. Jill was a Cubs fan and Jack said he really did not like baseball. Jack said he kind of liked football but really didn’t. Jack just did not want to come off like an irregular guy.
Jack and Jill finished a pitcher of sangria which was about three glasses each. Jill was quite buzzed and Jack felt mellow. The bill came and Jack had figured out that he had dropped is wallet. Suddenly the buzz and glow was gone. The realization that all his credit cards were gone just about ruined his night. Jill paid for the dinner even though she knew she was overdrawn on her debit card and would be getting a call from the bank Monday morning. Luckily it went through. Jill was scared that she may have reached the $1,000.00 overdraft limit. She had $22.00 before she reached $1000.00.
Jack and Jill went back to Jack’s apartment in a cab. The whole way to Jack’s house, Jack was too distracted to talk at all. Jack kept thinking about his accounts being cleaned out. Jill sat in the cab looking out the window on the right side with her arms folded. Jack ordered the cab to wait as he galloped up the steps to his townhouse. He emerged with a look of relief on his face as he held up his chunky looking wallet with over a dozen cards and wads of cash.
“God! What a relief! I though I left it in the cab I came over in and then I thought it may have fallen out of my back pocket… Here, I’ll take care of the cab…” said Jack.
Jill refused to take the $120.00 for the meal and drinks but Jack would not have it. They went back and forth for a while until Jill finally accepted. Jack then asked Jill if she would like a glass of red wine and to sit up on his roof deck. Jill said yes.
Up on the roof was a beautiful view of downtown Chicago and the near south side. Jill saw the hot tub and asked how often Jack used it. Jack offered the tub and Jill accepted. A gentle breeze blew across them as they sat in the hot tub, holding up their red wine in their glasses, listening to jazz on Jack’s Bose audio system and looking at the skyline. The more Jill drank, the more she liked Jack. Jack loosened up and became wittier and less pompous. Between them, they finished off a bottle of red wine and wound up kissing and embracing in the hot tub. Before long they were in Jack’s bed in the throes of passion. Jill closed her eyes while Jack orally stimulated her. Jack was spelling out the alphabet in cursive on her clitoris while Jill moaned a bit and pulled on his hair. Jack got as far as the letter L before Jill pulled him and guided him towards their consummate moment. Jack learned about the alphabet spelling on the clitoris from the Men’s Health Magazine too. They claimed he would not have to get to the letter Z and they were right.
Jill woke up feeling dehydrated and had a strong headache at the base of her skull by her neck. Jack was outside on the deck talking to another client in his underwear. The digital clock said nearly two in the morning. Jill suddenly felt silly lying in the bed of a man she did not really know or know if she would ever see again. What would they say to one another once Jack got done talking on his cell phone? Would he feel boxed in and really want Jill out of his house? Jill didn’t want that to be the case. Jill decided to make a pre-emptive move. Jill slipped on all her clothes and walked out of the front door. Jill caught a cab on South State Street and went home. As Jill lay in her bed next to her Calico Cat, she thought about the entire evening. She began to drift off when she received a text message from Jack.
“Wow! I must really have missed the mark tonight. I’m sorry you felt you had to leave.”
Jill wasn’t sure how to respond. She really wished she had not left after all after receiving his response. While she was thinking about what to say, another text from Jack came through.
“Okay… I’ll go out on a limb. I find you really attractive, smart and pretty. I did not lure you back to my cave in hopes of sinking you. I really did think I lost my wallet and since we were at my place, I thought we could just stay. I thought you had a good time and maybe you did. Maybe this is just what you do. A million first dates. Well hope you had a good time. Jack.”
Jill laid in bed smiling. In the battle of the sexes, she had won. Jill went from feeling like she had conceded too early to feeling like the winner in the driver’s seat. Jill began to type while gently biting her bottom lip.
“You passed the test. It all hinged on your response. You’re a prince and not a frog… How do you feel about a jog by the lake tomorrow and then some brunch?”
Jack responded quickly.
“I would like that more than I could tell you. Sleep tight. Until the morning. Jack.”

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