Blackhumouristpress's Blog

September 7, 2018

And Donald Trump as Richard Nixon

I stand here today, your president of the greatest nation in the world
to speak about this business of impeachment.  As you all well are well
aware, except for the People’s Republic of Massa chutes, I won every
state…  The greatest GOP landslide ever.  I served as your vice
president during the greatest peacetime growth this nation has ever
seen.  After suffering through the Great Depression and two major
wars, this nation was at peace.  When did that peace end?  I’ll go out
on a limb and say when Camelot moved into the White House.  You had
one of the greatest generals in this country’s history planning the
Bay of Pigs invasion.  How was that screwed up?  Cuba?  We could not
overturn that government?  So we looked around and tried to figure out
what weaker country we could invade to save them from themselves and
get people’s minds off of Cuba… Where to go?  Where to Go.  Ah…
Vietnam. Who ever really heard of Vietnam before and if you did, could
you find it on a map.  The great Walter Cronkite looked solemnly into
the camera to report that it is a war we couldn’t win.  I suppose he
knows better than generals.  I supposed if we had conducted a war
correctly, we wouldn’t have had such a long and useless war.  Kennedy
put it on a tee, Johnson hit it into the Gulf of Tonkin and it was my
job to fish it out.  Maybe if I was better looking and hob nobbed with
you all out in Martha’s Vineyard or Hyannis, got drunk and crashed a
car in a pond and walk away with some doll in the backseat…  Maybe if
I had a ménage a trois with Kissinger and Bridget Bardot, you might
all keep it down low, wink, nod and declare that Dick is a man’s man
and for the good of the country, we’ll just let this go.  Maybe I
needed to take charge and remind my men that there was better chance
of meeting Jesus Christ than Mc Govern defeating me and there would be
no reason to snoop on them.  Kennedy and Johnson brought you the war
and I ended it.  Kennedy and Johnson were a hair away from starting a
nuclear war with the USSR over again…  Help me out here… Anyone? Yes,
Cuba once again and I sat down with Brezhnev and worked out a plan to
limit nuclear weapons.  China…  That was I once again.  Trade
relations and a chance to sell a billion Buicks brought to you once
again by Richard Nixon.  The milk toast members of my party are
wringing their hands, worried that if they don’t throw me into the
fire, they might be next at some future date.  I said this to
Kissinger and I will say it all to you- the press is the enemy… The
establishment is the enemy.  Professors…  Communist perpetrators who
indoctrinate your children into believing that you’re the problem…
They are the enemy.  Tattoo it all over your body 100 times…  I go to
the people today and bypass the media.  The people have to know
whether or not their president is a crook.  Well I’m not a crook.  I
earned everything I’ve got.  You think you can get rid of me and
undermine the will of the people and my mandate, I say roll the dice…
Thank you all for listening tonight, god bless you and god bless


October 13, 2014

A Reaction Formation or Nixon with all the Fixins

Filed under: humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 4:22 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

“What in the hell is this world coming to?” Sheriff Terreblanche asked himself as he lay in bed sweating and staring at the ceiling fan that squeaked with each revolution. It had been days since Terreblanche had really slept. He laid there thinking about all of his birthdays going back to the age of four. After forty-four years, there were many he couldn’t remember. He thought about his own children’s birthdays and he couldn’t remember too many of theirs. He stopped to think about things that happened in his life and so much wasn’t clear. Things were fuzzy and distorted and all he kept thinking was that things were changing so fast in the world around him and more change would not be acceptable… Terreblanche would doze off and have bizarre dreams. He might find himself running a race against Charles Nelson Reilly for a cab in New York, spear fishing on an island owned by Marlon Brando but upon taking an anti-anxiety drug and grain alcohol, he found himself in the basement cell of the prison in Monroe County with former President Richard Nixon.

“Terreblanche… Terreblanche… Did anyone ever tell you what those two words mean in the French Language?”

“Yes Mr. President… It means Earth white.”

“You got it, kid. The French do all sorts of silly things with their language like having letters they don’t need or put things like Earth before white. If it’s a goddamn white Earth then call it such. You’re not softening things by a little bait and switch. Savoir Faire… To know and to do. That was I. I think I defined the political arena and when I walked away from it all, I took away American innocence. And really what is innocence? A stepbrother to ignorance. The Roman Empire came down just like the Greeks before them and they all had their reasons for demise. There used to be a show called All in the Family. You were probably just a lad when it was popular.”

“I remember it, sir.”

  • “ Well Archie was sitting there with his hippie son-in-law, married to the screwball daughter. The son-in-law apparently goes both ways. He’s obviously queer–wears an ascot–but not offensively so. Very clever. Uses nice language. Shows pictures of his parents. And so Arch goes down to the bar. Sees his best friend, who used to play professional football. Virile, strong, this and that. Then the fairy comes into the bar. I don’t mind the homosexuality. I understand it. Nevertheless, goddamn, I don’t think you glorify it on public television; homosexuality, even more than you glorify whores. We all know we have weaknesses. But, goddammit, what do you think that does to kids? You know what happened to the Greeks! Homosexuality destroyed them. Sure, Aristotle and Socrates were homos. We know that.
    You know what happened to the Romans? The last six Roman emperors were fags. Neither in a public way. You know what happened to the popes? They were layin’ the nuns; that’s been goin’ on for years, centuries. But the Catholic Church went to hell three or four centuries ago. It was homosexual, and it had to be cleaned out. That’s what’s happened to Britain. It happened earlier to France and this is no offense to your lineage… Let’s look at the strong societies. The Chinese. Goddamn, they root ’em out. They don’t let ’em around at all. I don’t know what they do with them. Look at this country. Homosexuality, dope, immorality, are the enemies of strong societies. That’s why the Communists and left-wingers are clinging to one another. They’re trying to destroy us. But, goddamn, we have to stand up to this… Am I reaching you, Terreblanche? What’s that you’re drinking and could you spare a little for me?”Sheriff Terreblanche went and got a tin cup and an unmarked bottle of alcohol from a moonshiner within the county and poured some for the president. Ex-president actually.“I call it the Madman Theory, sheriff. I wanted the North Vietnamese to believe I’ve reached the point where I might do anything to stop the war… Just like Truman. My thought was to slip the word to them that, for God’s sake; you know Nixon is obsessed about Communism. We can’t restrain him when he’s angry and he has his hand on the nuclear button and Ho Chi Minh himself would have been in Paris in two days begging for peace. This business of deposing a dictator before knowing what you’re getting is true madness. In Chile we had a plan. You remove one man for another who suits your purposes and continue on with an agenda… I ask you; does this shit keep the Chinese up at night? Protecting a Jewish state, fighting against a religious crusade for over a decade and meanwhile back at the ranch, sagging pants, mindless tattoos, marriage for gays so that they can adopt children … Again I ask about the Chinese… You fight force with force, aggression with aggression. You take the son of a bitch’s hostage long enough and they feel empathy for your cause and sympathy for your plight. A goddamn worldwide Stockholm syndrome. Any nation that decides the only way to achieve peace is through peaceful means is a nation that will soon be a piece of another nation… But here I am rambling on and on. You’re a small town lawman who isn’t faced with the idiocy of change. The world spins at 27,000 miles an hour but your hair never blows in the wind because it’s slower here. You don’t need to worry yourself about the world around you… Let me get another drop of that sauce… Damn good stuff.”

    Terreblanche looked at the president mop his sweaty brow with a handkerchief. He was afraid to ask what the answer would be of the president. He was afraid to ask why he was within the prison cell in a county jail in a town called Tranquil. The question itched within Terreblanche and so we asked; what is America’s role?

    “Just as America’s role is indispensable in preserving the world’s peace, so is each nation’s role indispensable in preserving its own peace. Together with the rest of the world, let us resolve to move forward from the beginnings we have made. Let us continue to bring down the walls of hostility which have divided the world for too long, and to build in their place bridges of understanding — so that despite profound differences between systems of government, the people of the world can be friends… Sounds good to you?”

    “Yes sir…”

    “Well it’s all just bullshit. Anymore of that moonshine?”

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