Blackhumouristpress's Blog

May 18, 2017

Yelping Mr. Trump

Reince Priebius woke early and got to bathroom and plopped down to
relieve himself before anyone else in his family woke.  While sitting
on the commode, Reince scrolled through dozens and dozens of negative
Yelp reviews attached to President Trump.  It was explained to the
president that the people who run Yelp, had a love affair with the
previous president.  It was no mistake that Obama had 4 ½ stars and
that Trump stood at ½ of one star.  Reince, Ivanka and his son-in-law
Jared Kushner all tried to convince the president to ignore the fact
that all the negative reviews were readily available for the public to
read and that the positive ones were hidden from view.  What was the
reason for so many positive reviews hidden from sight?  The positive
reviewers were new to Yelp and to the political arena and so their
point of views were not taken into serious consideration.  The
president spent all day working, occasionally taking time to eat some
ice cream or play Golf a little, but mostly studying political shows,
reading papers, getting briefs and meetings after meetings.  Most
people’s heads would explode by the fact that at all hours of the day,
there were several things going on at once.  Picture a plumber fixing
a leaking pipe and with each repair, two or three more leaks surface.
A weaker person would rationalize that maybe someone else should do
the plumbing and beat their head against the wall trying to repair
only to be mired in a sloppy mess.  Late night when everyone or at
least most people were sleeping, the president would read up on his
Yelp reviews and would rebut in the wee hours of the morning.

I DIDN’T VOTE FOR THE PRESIDENT AND REALLY ANYONE THAT DID IS A
COMPLETE BACKWARD IDIOT.  IT’S PLAIN TO SEE THAT THIS MAN IS A PUPPET
OF THE RUSSIANS.  OUR ELECTION HAS BEEN HACKED BY THE RUSSIANS AND THE
CABINET HAS BEEN FILLED WITH LAP DOGS FOR PUTIN.  IT’S OBVIOUS TO
EVERYONE THAT THIS IS ANOTHER WATERGATE- RACHEL, WASHINGTON D.C.

IS THIS THE SAME RACHEL FROM MSNBC?  IS IT?  LET’S JUST SAY IT COULD
BE.  HACK?  YOU WANNA USE THE WORD HACK.  THE ENTIRE PRESS OF THE
COUNTRY SAVE VERY FEW OUTLETS IS RUN BY LYING, SLAVENLY HACKS WHO PASS
OF THEIR OWN AGENDA FOR NEWS.  COLLUSION?  ABSOLUTELY.  THE DNC,
CLINTONS, OBAMA, RICE, COMEY, CLAPPER, SLAPPER, BEATER AND WHACKER…
HAVE I LEFT ANYONE OUT IN THIS CIRCLE JERKING GOLDEN SHOWER OF HITS?
YOU GIVE ME ONE STAR?  I GIVE YOU A SINGLE FINGER SALUT.

Reince continued to sit on the toilet, toes tingling and his butt
cheeks nearly asleep as he scrolled over dozens of replies to negative
comments written nearly anonymously to the public.  Reince knew it was
cowardly and hard to combat.  Reince’s opinion was just to ignore it
all and go about the business of trying to fix the immense issues of
this country.

AFTER THERAPY AND LOOKING FOR A JOB AND PLACE TO LIVE IN CANADA, I’VE
DECIDED THAT THIS IS MY COUNTRY AND I NEED TO FIGHT FOR MY COUNTRY AND
STOP ANY AND ALL WHO BELIEVE THAT TRUMP IS THEIR PRESIDENT.  THE
PRESIDENT MUST BE STOPPED EVERYWHERE POSSIBLE AND THERE IS AN ARMY OF
TRUE AMERICANS LIKE ME WHO WILL ENSURE THAT IMMIGRANTS CAN LIVE AMONG
US, LGBT, PROGRESSIVES, PRO-CHOICE AND SO ON.  YOU WILL BE STOPPED,
SIR.  I CAN’T GIVE YOU NO STARS BUT I WOULD LIKE TO. TERRY, SEATTLE,
WASHINGTON.

TERRY.  I’M ENVISIONING A MAN AND A WOMAN ALMOST EQUALLY, HIDDEN
BEHIND A CARNIVAL MASK, PUNCHING VETERANS AT TRUMP RALLIES, STOPPING
CONSERVATIVE SPEAKERS FROM EXPRESSING THEIR CONSTITUIONAL RIGHT TO
FREE SPEECH ON COLLEGE CAMPUSES THAT RECEIVE GOVERNMENT FUNDS. WHEN
I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WHOLE DOG AND PONY SHOW OVER WHETHER I SHOULD
BE IMPEACHED OR NOT, I’LL GO GET THAT FAT CHILD IN NORTH KOREA, PARADE
HIM AROUND WITH A BALL GAG AND THEN THROW HIM THE IN SAME PRISON
GENERAL NOREIGA LIVED IN SOME TWENTY YEARS AGO.  I HAVEN’T EVEN ROLLED
UP MY SLEEVES YET TO UNDO THE MESS DROPPED AT MY FEET.  DON’T GET IN
FRONT OF A TRAIN.  YOU CAN’T STOP IT OR SLOW IT DOWN BUT YOU CAN GET
MOWED OVER.  TRUMP IS  COMMANDER AND THE CHEF AND BELIEVE ME, YOU
WON’T WANT WHAT DADDY’S GOT COOKING.

“Good morning, Mr. President…  Yes, I should be in within the hour.
Tell me, sir…  What time did you go to sleep last night? 2:30 ish
eastern time?  Wow…  I don’t know how you do it, sir.  It’s not even
6am…  Sir, if you could mull this around before I get in and we can
discuss it further…  When you get back from oversees, we should really
plan an American road trip.  Visit the heartland.  Stir the base up.
Nuremburg style rallies with millions of supporters in cities like
Tulsa or Louisville.  Give it some thought, sir.  You’re at your best
when you’re surrounded by those that truly love you… “

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May 7, 2013

Two Men and a Gator or Bombs in Detroit

Filed under: Detroit,humor,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 10:43 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Blackhumouristpress's Blog

People were sleeping in Detroit when Goose heard what sounded like an explosion, saw a bright light and then felt the shock wave in his chest that reminded him of a double barrel 12 gauge sawed off shot gun going off during a robbery of a party store. Goose had been feeding his pet alligator that was being hand fed catfish in the backyard of his Detroit home on a warm summer night when the explosion occurred.
A fireball, traveling at a speed of 19 miles per second, had blazed across the horizon, leaving a long white trail that could be seen as far as Montreal.
Car alarms went off, thousands of windows shattered and mobile phone networks were disrupted as well as Internet and television. Goose grabbed his four-foot alligator and carried him into the house. His cousin Rakeesh sat up on the couch that served as his bed…

View original post 536 more words

Two Men and a Gator or Bombs in Detroit

Filed under: Detroit,humor,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 5:41 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

People were sleeping in Detroit when Goose heard what sounded like an explosion, saw a bright light and then felt the shock wave in his chest that reminded him of a double barrel 12 gauge sawed off shot gun going off during a robbery of a party store. Goose had been feeding his pet alligator that was being hand fed catfish in the backyard of his Detroit home on a warm summer night when the explosion occurred.
A fireball, traveling at a speed of 19 miles per second, had blazed across the horizon, leaving a long white trail that could be seen as far as Montreal.
Car alarms went off, thousands of windows shattered and mobile phone networks were disrupted as well as Internet and television. Goose grabbed his four-foot alligator and carried him into the house. His cousin Rakeesh sat up on the couch that served as his bed after midnight and looked at the fuzzy television screen. He asked Goose about the explosion.
“Imma guess one of two motherfucking things; it either the terrorists and they pressure cookers or it’s the North Koreans but either way, Dee-troit is under motherfucking siege. The white folk up north done talked bout this shit and we jus think they crazy but some shit coming down right now. Git all you got which you and follow me. We taking the alligator with us. He too scared to be alone right now. I was in the backyard and seen this light that was as bright as the sun. We mighta been bombed, dog.”
The alligator was found last Christmas Eve in the field behind their home. Someone had put the alligator in a sack and dumped it. Goose saw something moving in the large burlap sack and thought it might have been a dying human. To his surprise, it was a three-foot alligator. Goose adopted the animal as his pet and loved it like a child.
The explosion was a meteorite, which weighed about 10 metric tons and may have been made of iron. It entered Earth’s atmosphere and broke apart 31 miles above ground. The energy released when it entered the Earth’s atmosphere was equivalent to the power of a small atomic weapon exploding.
“I seen this shit on TV once. We done bombed the Japanese to hell. I don’t know why the terrorist motherfuckers didn’t take out Chicago or New York or even LA. They probably was hiding out in Canada… Git dressed!”
The early-morning blast and ensuing shock wave blew out windows throughout Detroit. People were looting party stores and gas stations everywhere. Booze, beef jerky and diapers were in the arms of fleeing looters. Goose walked around holding his gator and Rakeesh walked around with loaded guns expecting to find Koreans or cab driver looking Taliban types but only found neighborhood residents running amok.

One piece of meteorite landed in the Detroit River and caused a wave that hit the GM building ten floors high. Water from the enormous wave covered Jefferson and rolled down Woodward.
Scientists knew that a meteorite had hit Detroit. Due to power outages, none of the residence knew what had occurred. Their minds ran with them and they gathered up as many items from stores as possible. Big black armored trucks with hundreds of police in riot gear surrounded the area off of Joy Road. A mousy woman’s voice came over a loud speaker.
“People… Listen! It’s not what you think. If you have anything in your possession that does not belong to you, now would be a good time to drop it and return to your homes.”
Three large Detroit cops surrounded Rakeesh and Goose who was holding his scared alligator. The cops had weapons lock and loaded ready to shoot Rakeesh and Goose if needed. They looked at the two men with the alligator with flash lights pointed in their faces and lowered their guns. A cop who was a former Iraqi War Veteran walked towards the two men and the alligator shaking his head.
“I thought I saw it all but looting an alligator is something special…”

March 15, 2012

1933 Again

Filed under: humor,obama — blackhumouristpress @ 6:23 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

The president, a precedent plays a violin at the funeral pyre in a

Quagmire, bonfire Koran, Iran and Little Kim has a little hand on the button

In a strange land north of Seoul.

 

I don’t know what we don’t know and there are things we know we know.

Election year- vote for so and so– there are things we do not know that we don’t know- goo goo j’goob.

 

I’m a 99, you’re a 99.  They got yours, they got mine.

It’s futile like feudal between haves and halves of halves and fractions of factions and commercial break distractions.

 

G8- ain’t it grand? Liquid gold in the sand to be mobile or Mobil/Exxon

the hex on the White House and greenhouse gas.

 

The hero is zero, living intestate with a falling interest rate

Trying to compensate for millions losing their estate.  So what’s our fate?

 

We have nothing to fear but fear itself

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