Blackhumouristpress's Blog

October 25, 2019

Make it Easier and Easier

Wilbur sat in living room of his apartment trying to watch METV on an old Zenith television that he had inherited from his mother before she died sometime ago. He also got a few bucks and a nice couch and Lazy Boy recliner too.


As a man of fifty years of age, Wilbur was a wreck.  He was morbidly obese; he needed medication for his blood pressure, for diabetes, for his enlarged prostate and his depression. He lived alone with three cats and a lot of mice. His apartment was nothing but tunnels from room to room. Once a year, the poor janitor would have to get a dumpster and clear out all the shit Wilbur collected so that he could pass Section 8, so that the owner of the building living off the board walk north of South Beach in Miami could get his guaranteed money from the government.


Wilbur called the Police to report that the new tenants above were constantly playing loud music, drinking and smoking weed. The compassionate dispatcher explained to Wilbur that all were legal now.

“I don’t know if you are aware that playing one’s music loudly is a culturally acceptable way to enjoy music today.  You may not enjoy it so loud but many do. It is no longer illegal to play loud music. Your complaining impedes on their ability to enjoy music in their own home the way they are accustomed to. Marijuana and alcohol is legal too. We will not send officers out for something like this. I suggest you get some ear buds and listen to whatever interests you… Okay? Have a nice day…”

Wilbur began to cry tears of frustration as all the glassware in his place rattled. He could hear all the lyrics to the song. It wasn’t quite Rap and it wasn’t quite singing. It was sort of whiny droning like a Gregorian chant with reverb, heavy bass and a pitch corrector.

“Bitch… How do I wanna kill you and love you jus the same. It a thin line between choking you and loving you, girl. You take my shit and I love you but I cain’t be with you and I need you… Yo pussy, you ass, making love an then sodomy, my homies say I need a lobotomy cause I love you girl, my precious dichotomy… Pain and ecstasy when you laying next to me… I jus might marry you after they arrest me…”


There was a knock at the door. It was his food delivery service. Two double Whoppers with Cheese, large fry and a large Diet Coke. The delivery guy was holding his nose while standing in the doorway of the apartment. The place was one big litter box and the pungent smell of cat urine was overwhelming. The cats cried as Wilbur ate his meal, watched Jerry Springer on mute while listening to progressive radio. The topics of the day ranged from three year olds declaring their gender identity as “Gender Fluid”, allowing profanity in public places and in the media for emphasis, the elimination of any presidents on money or the word god on anything in public. Wilbur thought about the time he ordered via Amazon some really large Victoria Secret lingerie and wore it for a while to see if it would make him feel pretty, attractive and possibly more positive about who he was. Wilbur walked around the apartment listening to music in peach colored fuzzy slippers, a peach robe, a peach brazier size 45 DD and matching thong. Wilber wore the outfit for days until he saw a bunch of females model lingerie in high heal shoes on television, hawking sexy lingerie and dongs. The pretty thing parading around in lingerie with her cute dimple holding a 12-inch black dong brought Wilbur to reality. They were so elegant and thin and Wilbur felt bloated. Wilbur reasoned that he might get some homophobic fireman unwilling to give him CPR someday because of how he was dressed and so he went back to wearing his Cleveland Browns jersey and a pair of sweat pants.


It was getting late. Wilbur spent a whole day doing not very much and tomorrow there will be about the same for him to do. He eased into his Lazy Boy chair and hooked up the catheter to a bag of peritoneal dialysis solution to cleanse his failing kidneys while he slept. He then hooked up CPAP device that helped with his sleep apnea. Leave it to Beaver was on. Wally and Beaver were called in from the garage where they were working on a soapbox car for a race. They sat down to dinner. Ward with his suit jacket off, slicked back hair with a hint of gray. June with pearls and bright lipstick and a smart dress with an apron on was doling out mashed potatoes. Wally and Beaver told their parents how “swell” the soapbox car was coming along. Wilbur fell asleep thinking that maybe way back then, that’s when things were really, really good. Nah… So many things to make life easier today and it keeps getting easier. After all easier is better, right?

January 17, 2019


Filed under: america,Ethnicity,fast food,humor,humour,obesity,pope,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 5:40 pm
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Sitting in a fast food palace, wall to wall plastic

Maury giving a bro hug to a man on the tube that is the father of his daughter’s child… Wild? No. In a word-absurd.


A man with a blue tooth devise attached to his ear goes table to table selling Krispy Kreme donuts on the side, on the slide, trading a burger for a box of donuts. Nuts? No. In a word-absurd.


The people behind the counter move slow… You know the type- Type 2 diabetes, cherub faced sweeties with no neck, nails like claws, sagging draws and lashes long enough to tickle your face. Bad taste? No. In a word- Absurd


The heroin addict with the sad look and a sign by the freeway is doing just fine. He pulls out a fat wad of cash, eyes bloodshot from smoking some hash to clear his mind and face the day. A # 2 with a large Coke… Is this all some sort of joke? No. In a word-Absurd.

March 9, 2010

The Wifeswappers

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 8:58 am
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Daphne moved to Los Angeles from Detroit ten years earlier, married a doctor and had two children.  Ironically, Daphne lived just blocks away from where the whole O.J. Simpson drama had taken place in the Brentwood section of Los Angeles. 

            Anna had stayed in suburban Detroit her whole life and was married and living in Royal Oak, Michigan.  Anna had two young children and a dog and a house, two cars and a time share in Cancun.  Both women, who had been childhood friends, had comfortable middle class lives.

            After graduating from Southfield High School, Daphne and Anna both attended the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor and rented an apartment together.  It was shortly after graduation from college that Daphne decided to move blindly to Los Angeles without knowing anyone.  Daphne and Anna remained friends over the years and with cell phones and email, they stayed in near constant contact.

            Daphne sent a text message to Anna just a few days before arriving in Detroit.


            Anna was the epitome of whiteness in that she was fairly pale and covered with freckles.  Her nearly platinum hair hung limply and rested on her shoulders.  In the thirty years that both women had been alive, very little changed for Anna.  Daphne on the other hand was black and was vibrant, the take charge type and was very secure in the fact that she was attractive to all types of men.  Daphne landed a black doctor and knew that she more or less a trophy for her husband but she didn’t mind because she had all she wanted and needed and more.

            “Hey girl!  It is so good to see you!  Look at you all pale, hiding indoors during the Midwest winter.  Girl, I gotta get you out to Cali.  I live ten minutes from the ocean in Santa Monica.  You gotta come out this year without excuses,” said Daphne, while hugging Anna.

            Anna noticed that Daphne’s friend was a suave looking mixed race young man with a razor sharp beard and moustache.  He reeked of cologne and wore heavy gold jewelry around his neck, wrist and fingers.  He had a smirk on his face as he watched the two women embrace.  Daphne picked up on the fact that Anna was staring at Javier with a perplexed look on her face.

            “Anna this is my friend Javier.  Javier, this is Anna…  This is the sister I never had.  There are sistahs but this girl would have been my sister.  We were inseparable during junior high, high school and college.  Every weekend I was at her place or she was at mine.  We played volleyball and softball for our high school together…  I love this girl more than I can say.”

            The three of them had dinner in Greektown at the Pegasus Restaurant in downtown Detroit.  Javier marveled at how overweight and dowdy the men looked with their feathered, mullet hair cuts and Detroit Red Wing jerseys.  The women were really nothing to look at either.  Javier did study Anna closely and found her plain look to be intriguing.  Usually he liked a woman of color with a small waist and large ass or a thin, hairless Asian woman who resembled a twelve year old boy but rarely a thin white woman with straight blond hair and freckles. 

            “Eh…  You ever seen that one movie with that chick who be fucking people up with her mind and shit?  Damn…  What was that movie called?  It was an old ass movie too.  She had hair like you and them dots all over like you too.  She was like in high school and people made fun of her ass and she was having a period or some shit and didn’t go to the prom or some shit and then she just started wasting muthah fuckers with her mind…” said Javier.

            “Um Carrie…  Are you referring to the movie Carrie with Sissy Spacek?”  Asked Anna.

            Javier snapped his fingers and pointed at Anna while laughing.

            “Yup, yup.  Carrie… Old girl, she was fucking them all up with her mind.  That was a good ass movie too.  You look like her.  I mean you really pretty but something bout you remind me of that woman.  So I don’t wanna mess with you case you start sending shit flying round the room or some-fing.  I can tell you got that innocence bout you and I really like that in a woman.  You like reserved and stuff.  I aint’t saying prude or nothing but you ain’t like buck wild… Am I right?”

            Anna didn’t know what to say or think.  She politely listened to Daphne’s ignorant friend and wondered why Daphne was friends with someone so crude, unintelligible and inarticulate.  Anna wanted to know what the crux of their relationship was and so she asked point blank.  Anna suspected that Daphne may have left her husband for Javier.  It was more twisted than she had expected.

            “Javier is a record producer of Reggaeton artists in Los Angeles.  He is working on a new project with Daddy Yankee actually.”

            Anna looked at Daphne with a blank expression.  She neither knew what Reggaeton was nor of the artist, Daddy Yankee.  Daphne didn’t elaborate.

            “And so Javier lives down the street with his wife and their kids are our kid’s age are the same and we started getting together and stuff.  We started taking vacations together and got to know each other really, really well,” said Daphne.

            Javier’s phone rang.  He excused himself as he walked out of the restaurant to carry on his phone conversation.  It gave the two friends a chance to be direct with one another.

            “What the fuck are you doing?”  Asked Anna.

            “You’ve lived in Detroit too long.  Drab ass Detroit where people exist and die here but don’t really live.  Javier and his wife Benita and me and Rufus do all kinds of stuff together.  It’s so good.  I mean you marry a dude and it’s the same bullshit over and over again but now we get together, put the kids to bed and then we start out husband and wife, then we switch and then sometimes the two men will get with either me or Benita.  I mean, we take films of each other and sometimes the men will want us to put on strap ons and give it to them.  I know it sounds freaky but really it just keeps us all from going crazy.  I’m like helping little girls get to soccer and tap dance classes all week, buying groceries and all that domestic shit and then Imma have the same dude laying on me for what?  The next forty years?  Shhh-damn.  I wanna little something with some flavah.  Javier a skinny little bitch but I kid you not…  His cock is as wide as a wrist and we finish up and I’m watching Rufus pounding away on Benita’s fat ass.  Rufus all sweating and trying to make himself cum.  He one time quit and yelled at us for laughing at them and then later when they left, he all like it ain’t fair cause Benita can only be got with from behind.  Benita a plus sizer.  Ain’t nobody doing Benita cept from behind and then her shit stank.  It ain’t her booty, I mean it’s some fishy ass shit like that one Filipino girl we used play soccer with…  What was her name?  Patty.  That was it…  We called her Salmon Patty because she was so dang fishy smelling.  Anyway, if you can picture Benita’s fat ass in the air all stanky and shit…  I mean it is nasty but Rufus actually likes an audience.  Me and Javier were laughing at Rufus’ stupid looking fuck faces.  He’s all talking and shit.  You hear him asking Benita if she bout to cum.  He’s all like, I want you to cum on my dick.  I never realized how stupid Rufus looked fucking until I got to watch him fucking someone but me,” said Daphne.

            Anna was astounded by this revelation.  Anna had been with other men other than her husband but nothing anywhere close to what Daphne was describing.  Anna had done it on the beach a few years back with her husband while visiting the Indiana Dunes but had to stop because sand was getting in her vagina and made the whole experience less than favorable.

            Javier came back with the same devilish smirk that he had before.  He plopped himself down and never stopped smiling nor taking his eyes off of Anna.  Anna was uncomfortable with the smile and starring that felt like it was burning into her skin with his eyes.  After a two bottles of wine and a couple of shots of Ouzo, Javier got right to the point.

            “Anna…  Daphne has spoken so highly of you and it feel to me like I know you in a certain respect.  I would like to invite you to have a night with us tonight like you’ve never had before.  We got a room at the top of the Greektown Casino Hotel that looks down at the whole downtown and shit.  We kin git a few more bottles of wine, get the music going and just really enjoy this night together…  I know you gonna say no cause you so sweet and innocent.  If I offered to buy you this dinner tonight, you the type that would demand to pay for herself and that is so nice and sweet but really I aks you to put that aside tonight and let the meek in you take a back seat tonight and let the tiger roar.  I know you got a tiger in you, girl.  You gotta let the cat out the bag tonight,” said Javier.

            With that, he reached across the table and caressed Anna’s hand.  Daphne was hoping that Anna would give in.  After all, Anna’s husband would never know and it was just some fun with no strings attached.  Daphne likened it to trying Sushi for the first time; it may look disgusting but it really is tasty.

            At that moment, a large middle aged Jewish man with a cigar in his mouth came in wearing a yarmulke, talking on a cell phone loudly that may have been homosexual. The man was hoping to buy clothes below wholesale from a source in Vietnam.  Daphne’s whole disposition changed suddenly.  She pulled her hand away from Javier, reached into her purse and pulled out a hand gun.  Anna’s nostrils flared and she pursed her lips.

            “Excuse me…  I have to take care of some business here.  I can deal with people being fat and obnoxious but fat and obnoxious and Jewish with that stupid southern belle lilt to their voice, is more than I can take.  I don’t know one woman who talks that way,” said Anna, as she walked towards the loud man talking about buying cheap t shirts, carrying her hand gun.

You may be wondering if Anna went back to the penthouse and allowed herself to be tagged teamed by Javier and Daphne.  You may wonder if Daphne and Anna took turns with strap on penises on Javier and or other power tool like devices.  You might be wondering if Anna had some sort of anti-Semitic leanings, fat phobias and disdain for people who speak way too loud in public places on their cell phones with a distinct feminine manor because of me…   My characters all loved their mothers and their mothers loved them and found value in their children as human beings even though I wasn’t searching for value.  I know this is sort of random but I felt the story needed a little tension at the end.  What better way to divert the sexual tension than having a middle of the road woman, driven to kill or maim over homosexuality, anti-Semitism, obesity and general abrasiveness?

  I have always been one of those kids who like to lift big rocks and watch the pill bugs and other crawly creatures take off running when the light of day is put upon them…

And so they lived happily ever after all.  Or as happy as could be given their circumstances and poor decision making.  The end.

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