Blackhumouristpress's Blog

March 16, 2011

Conjugal Love

Klaus came from Cairo.  Not the Cairo you think about with pyramids, pharaohs, the river Nile and most recently the deposition of the president for life Hosni Mubarak.  This Cairo is pronounced CARE-O and is at the southern most tip of the state of Illinois.

            Cairo is a dying southern town in a northern state.  The downtown looks like a prop for movie set.  Klaus was born and raised in the town that began to dwindle some forty years or so ago.  Upon working in a mortuary, Klaus became fascinated with the idea that people, who appeared to be sleeping, were in fact dead.  They’re marbleized; cold skin had to be drained of fluids and then came the task of making them look as though they were still alive.  Klaus’ uncle Fritz learned the trade by his father who learned from his father back in Germany.  Fritz was a magician with drunks who died of elements or fell over the levees and died.  Even those that were badly decomposed, Fritz made to look like they were taking a nap.  Klaus helped his uncle with removing fluids, sewing up eyes and mouths.  As gruesome as the job was, Fritz and Klaus would talk about things like baseball or fishing.

            Klaus became obsessed with living things becoming dead and so Klaus began to troll cities over the Kentucky and Missouri borders for pretty young women.  They had to be young and fair skinned and thin.  Klaus hated dealing with fat remains of billowing fat that when floppy breasts or skin on skin was exposed to the light of day, smelled of skunk and were usually covered with skin tags like mushrooms around a tree stump.  Thin, almost bony women with nice, light, taut skin was ideal for Klaus’ tastes and needs.  Without going into too many gory and disgusting things, Klaus made love to victims that he lured into his home after they were dead.  Saving the left hands of females was like collecting the skulls during time of war by soldiers for Klaus.  He had a deep freezer full of hands when the authorities finally discovered the morbid hobby Klaus was involved in.

            Klaus never tried to deny taking the lives over close to thirty women.  His response was that he loved them all with all the love he had to offer.  Klaus always posed the vague and double sided question to all of them.

            “I could die tonight knowing that I have found the perfect love of my life…  Couldn’t you?”

            Those taken in by his chiseled jaw and strong wiry arms would give themselves totally to the moment and Klaus always meant for the height, the crescendo, to be everlasting and as we all know, death is everlasting.

            Klaus was an intelligent man albeit twisted and sick.  He read about as much of the bible, books of Moses and the Koran as a person could retain and digest.  He read Sartre on a lark but studied Kant, Hegel, Nietzsche and Marx in German.  After all was said and done, Klaus decided that there had to be a reason that some superior being created everything and decided to give humans the intelligence to ponder their own existence and demise when not watching television.  Klaus came to decide that the Missouri Synod of the Lutheran Church was what god intended humans to believe in.  Klaus came to the decision that the bible was inerrant meaning that it came from God and it essentially is what it is.  In any language.

 Klaus began to proselytize to other inmates and even created a choir.  Klaus always knew he had good pitch and could sing well.  Klaus soon came to learn that he had an exceptional voice.  Klaus listened to Luciano Pavarotti on his headset and came to imitate Pavarotti impeccably.  During Christmas Eve, Klaus sang Ave Maria and brought hardened criminals and sadistic guards to near tears.  Klaus’ voice was so strong and beautiful.  A video clip with audio started to circulate on the outside and before long, Klaus was a sensation.  People began to question if it was right to put to death a human with such an angelic voice who was reformed and understood the errors of his ways and so on.

            The suspension and then abolition of the death penalty in the state of Illinois came just in time for Klaus who was set to die on December 21, 2112.  It wasn’t long after that the state legislature in the state of Illinois passed a law making conjugal visits legal.  Studies showed that with so many broken families and marriages, incarcerated individuals tended to have strong and loving bonds when allowed physical, tangible contact with loved ones.  This study was based on inmate’s abilities to love cats. Allowing the fucking common law wives, talking with offspring about grades and tending to felines all pointed in the direction of positive corrective behavior for even the worst of the worst.

            Klaus began to receive letters and CDs from a woman in Kentucky who claims she had fallen madly for him.  She wrote poems and songs that she sang and played on an acoustic guitar.  The German version of, You Light up My Life sang by a woman named Eloise from Kentucky brought Klaus to tears.

            Es Kann nicht falsch sein wenn es fuhlt sich so richtig denn du sie leuchten auf mein leben…

            A light had gone on in his heart.  Just like the women in the past, he desired a love so strong that he wanted to exclaim from the highest mountain around and there aren’t any in Illinois, that the thin woman who strummed chords on a guitar and sang Debby Boone tunes to him in German, that resembled the plain but beautiful images of the Virgin Mary had she been born in the Netherlands, this was the woman that Klaus loved.

            As time went on, Klaus’ superb tenor voice and his love affair with a woman from Kentucky caught the attention of Oprah during sweeps week.  Oprah showed success stories of former inmates that went on to lead productive lives as cogs in the wheel which is the American dynamo of progress.  Men who became tailors or cooks or hairdressers and then there was Klaus.

            The soft music and kind words from the thin framed woman who hardly spoke above a whisper and Klaus’ proclamation that he had totally transformed into a man who could walk the streets of Cairo or just about anywhere else and not be a threat.

            “Oprah, you have to understand that when you are totally consumed in the work of making the dead aesthetically pleasing for the loved ones that are left behind, it is easy to blur what is real and what isn’t, what is acceptable and what is verboten.  I understand now what I did not as a younger man.  As one of our former presidents often said; he was guilty of the mistakes of youth…  I believe that I love Eloise and that she loves me and am thankful that the humanitarians within the state of Illinois understand that taking a life and not allowing that life to be redemptive and to strip them of their humanity by not allowing families to be families and couples to no longer be couples is the wrong way to set about righting wrongs.  These are correction facilities and punishing loved ones by not allowing the human touch is wrong all across the board.”

            Oprah paused and looked intently into the handsome man’s eyes trying to decide if he was sincere or full of shit.  Klaus returned the look unblinkingly.  Oprah smiled and as she so often has changed the lives of common everyday people in the past, let Klaus know that she had made it possible for Eloise and Klaus to be together.  Oprah put her hand on Klaus’, smiled and posed a question.

            “Are you ready for this?”

            In came Eloise looking more beautiful than any Jan Van Eyck painting could ever look.  The music was soft and they embraced and held each other for close to a minute.  Several cameras captured the looks on their faces from different angles.

            “Isn’t this FANTASTIC!”  Oprah exclaimed.

            Moments later, a man who resembled Val Kilmer walked into the room holding a bible.  Oprah introduced him as the son of Oral Roberts Richard Roberts and host of, The Place for Miracles: Your Hour of Healing.  Eloise and Klaus married on the spot and it made everyone who watched feel really good or really bad for a while until other more important things took precedence like tsunamis, bible proportion earthquakes and Charlie Sheen.

            It was during the third conjugal visit that Eloise was able to sneak in a switch blade knife hidden inside a beautiful homemade cake which was made of chocolate with strawberries.  When the visit was up, Eloise emerged smeared in blood and cake batter.  She was immediately arrested.  Upon questioning Eloise pinned the whole premeditated event on her neighbor’s cat that was possessed and ordered her to befriend Klaus and kill him.  Klaus sustained close to twenty stab wounds while fellatio was being performed on him.  Klaus recovered and vowed to stay celibate for the remainder of his life and sing for those that loved to hear beautiful music in Italian.  During an interview regarding the incident with Eloise, a mindless reporter posed the question as to how he felt about Eloise.  Klaus was direct and polite.

            “These sorts of things can make you sick.  I don’t let anger eat me up.”

Blog at