Blackhumouristpress's Blog

January 23, 2019

Comedy Today- A Faux Pas

Cynthia told the Oak Park Women’s group that she had a cousin who was very good at stand up comedy and performed a lot in Detroit. The women rented out a restaurant bar along Lake Street in a town that proudly claims Ernest Hemingway and the architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Two famous men who couldn’t wait to leave Oak Park. The women’s group agonized over the fact that comedy today is very touchy. If things are not directed at the president exclusively, they could be taken as racist, homophobic, xenophobic and so on. Those in attendance were mostly women and a few husbands and or girlfriends of women. The first two comedians ripped on the president, his wife, his youngest son, his daughter who became orthodox Jewish, Mike Pence, Make America Great Again, followers of Trump. Wade, the cousin of Cynthia, made quite a splash.

 

Wade came on stage with a joint in his mouth unlit, wearing a “Make Men Violent Again” t-shirt. He glared at the audience with squinty eyes as if he was looking for someone he knew.

“Aleuts? Aleuts? Anyone what we used to call Eskimos here in attendance? Now don’t try to fake me out if you’re from Samoa… You’re a little darker than your cousins who crossed the land bridge 10,000 before the Protestants and Columbus came and renamed you people… No Aleuts? Okay… Then the rest of you are fair game.”

Wade lit the joint, inhaled and expelled it into the face of chubby looking lesbian with a Dutch boy hair cut with a plethora of political buttons on her Army coat. The woman snapped at Wade.

“No smoking? In Detroit we can still get a drink and smoke in casinos…  I don’t see any video gaming her… Well fuck it… By the way… This is medicinal. Me and my kid are both ADD and when I’m not on Ritalin, I smoke a joint to calm my nerves to keep me from getting my shotgun and taking out those that annoy me…”

-Groaning and whispering-

“Hey… I must have total silence. This is not a democracy it is a constitutional republic and until I can rewrite the constitution I must have silence!”

Wade took a sip of his Scotch on the rocks and took a horse crop and slammed in on the chair next to him as he did his best German accent and hid his upper lip.

“Sank-you… What a diverse group we have here tonight…

Girls who are boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who like girls like they’re boys… That song reminds me of Rumsfeld at press conferences. Wouldn’t you like to put him in a room with Trump and hear what’s being said? Maybe get Rod Rosenstein to wear a wire and play that shit in real time on CNN…

 

-Groaning and more murmuring

 

“Okay fine… You like Trump jokes… So Trump goes golfing with Mitt Romney and John Mc Cain but Mc Cain has to hire a midget to swing for him because he has that weird one armed shit like Bob Dole had… Mc Cain wouldn’t let the midget putt but otherwise that little fucker had to carry the clubs like a Sherpa and try to beat Trump for him. Well in the end, guess who won? You got it… Trump. The house always wins. But while they’re walking around losing to Trump, Trump asks them how they could possibly lose to Obama. He then tells them that they’re losers and he will show them how to go out and run for president and win… How did he do that shit? I mean all you fucking people hate him, right? How did he win? Russians? Well now Mitt becomes senator in a Mormon state, smiling and looking as real as Max Headroom meets The Mask. His first order of business is to align himself with the people that defeated him… Now that’s a Republican for you…. How bout a hand for those two dolls that went before me tonight. The plump one was hot in a Buddy Hackett sort of way…” Wade pointed to a woman in front of him. “I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick, ma’am…”

 

Women and a few men begin to heckle him. Wade smiles, takes a sip of his drink and holds it up to the crowd.

 

“You won’t rattle me. I went to the same school as G.G. Allin. Don’t know him? Take a second and Google him. Now then I wrote a poem in honor of this occasion and it goes like this…

 

These are very troubled times

I’ll stir the pot with my rhymes

Build a wall to keep us in

Nobody likes you where you’ve been

The world hates you for being American

The red white and blue is a sin

You need to sit when you piss

In a bathroom for every gender

We’ll suck the testosterone from your balls

Make you wear a dress in the halls

You racist, misogynistic cunt

You probably like it in the rump

I’m losing you all again… Okay…Donald Trump!

 

You’ve been a great audience. God bless you. God bless America and good night.

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July 5, 2015

The Other Other Prison

Filed under: humor,humour,Short Story — blackhumouristpress @ 6:38 am
Tags: , , , ,

It started in California and then jumped to Massachusetts, New York, Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and then a bunch of Midwestern states and then finally the last to get on board were the same states that fought slavery over 150 years ago. Many of those who failed to get on board and accept change, cited the beginning of the end in prophesies in Revelations. They pointed their fingers at all that appeared to be wrong with American society- legal abortions, same sex marriage, AIDS, SARS, Ebola, MRSA and anything that could be of interest to people who watch the E Channel. End times were coming, the signs were evident and is it any wonder that terrorists want to put Americans out of their misery? Rhetorical question, with no clear answer.

Those that had a difficult time with a plethora of social changes that became set in concrete via the Supreme Court, felt that things this time had really gone too far- a separate jail system for those who believed that although they were born one particular sex, identified with the opposite sex. Texas finally got on board and could no longer legally inject their murderous criminals AND had to provide not only female and male but also that other category for criminals who they felt should live in a third penal institution for those who were caught somewhere in the middle. A lot of good god fearing folk asked themselves, “What in the hell is this dog gone world coming to?”

Purvis Davis was a slight built man who was doing three life sentences for killing a lot of people. A mass murderer who put fear into people on every last Thursday of every month. On every last Thursday of every month, someone, somewhere in the state of Texas was murdered. When they finally caught up with Purvis, they found him servicing a copier machine near Dallas. DNA, finger prints, semen, hair, socks- they had them all and it was forensically all tied to Purvis. Purvis understood that at five feet five inches and 135lbs, he was going to have a boat load of suitors in prison. Purvis knew his run couldn’t last forever and so with the law closing in on him, Purvis began to pound estrogen. When the detectives began to question the dozens of murders and reasons why, they noticed Purvis’ voice got higher and his breasts became bigger until one day Purvis demanded that he be addressed as Bernice. The first detective to interview Bernice for the first time was taken back by the transformation. Bernice was a nervous female that demanded her lawyer be by her side. Bernice adopted a Jewish New York City accent. She rambled on and on about the Bill of Rights and the rights of transgender people.

“So yesterday I interviewed a man in your skin and today I’m interviewing a woman in your skin?”

“Absolutely… And these things happen. I have always been a woman on the inside and I fully believe that the crux of my issues stem from the fact that I am indeed a woman trapped in a body that really wants to become a woman but is still battling to lose any evidence of a male within… What! You don’t believe me? You want to challenge this and wind up with Bill Kurtis here? Do you wanna fuck with my attorney? I don’t think you know what you’re doing here. I have every right to be placed in the transgender penal institution and you people continue to leave me in the male population where upon I’ve been preyed upon. I refuse to shower any longer and have stomach issues from holding my feces in for fear of what awaits me. There better be a change real soon or all of your jobs will most definitely be in jeopardy.”

The state brought in a champ on this sort of niche thing. A wild hared small man with a permanent furrowed brow and loose whiskers coming out of his ears, nose and cheek bones. He was intrigued with Bernice. Helmut asked a slew of questions and then dazzled Bernice with his command of the English Language which was his third language. Sort of like Joseph Conrad.

“Now zen… You believe you identify with zee opposite sex which in this case is clearly male to female. You believe you identify with zee sex you have not been assigned at birth and now desire to be accepted. It is possible zat zee state could put in for you as a transsexual person, to undergo gender transition so that you could better align your actual sex with your presentation so zat you can completely identify with zee women. Which brings up an interesting question- if you become a woman then are you in fact not eligible with zee transgender prison? This process of transition may require a gender reassignment and reassignment surgery. We have to take into account your mental gender identity.”

Bernice was mesmerized by the little man who had a nervous habit of pushing back his greasy hair and removing the collected balls of saliva in the corners of his mouth and twinning them like boogers and then placing them on a plain piece of paper that he was not actually writing upon.

“While many might identify or self-identify as self-gender, zee family of transgender is not so clear. Transsexual, transvestite, transvestite cross dressing gender queer, transvetic fetishists, drag queens or those who do this sort of thing as an entertainer. Have you ever been in zee entertainment business?”

“I was a copier repair person…”

“Upon examination of your genitalia, I am going to put into my report that you are indeed one who fits into the intersex category. You are what they call a Trans woman. I respectfully unlike “transsexual”, the word “transgender” should be used as an adjective rather than a noun — for example, “Bernice is transgender” or “Bernice is a transgender woman” rather than “Bernice is a transgender.”

Bernice pulled out a cigarette and could not find a light. Helmut lit the cigarette for Bernice. Smoking was not allowed but really what did that matter? A smoke and a strong drink would have been most fitting.

“A transgender person may have all zee mannerisms and characteristics normally associated with a gender identity on a continuum or exist as either a gender, gender-neutral, genderqueer, third gender, bigender or pangender… It is not so cut and dry as it might seem. Zee state of Texas wishes to get this right for you and all the people of Texas who care about… Doing zee right thing.”

Bernice smiled a coy smile. Helmut was actually attracted to Bernice and what he liked most was that he was a little male and a little female. The two never became romantic but Helmut being an expert on such complex things, suggested that Bernice was in fact, the right person for the new transgender prison.

Bernice in the years since being incarcerated in the first transgender prison jail in Texas, has written several books, one about cooking and the other about becoming a woman. It was an instant best seller. The proceeds go to help stop discrimination of transgender people. Pedal a story and you’re some anonymous Joe and nobody wants to see your manuscript. Kill dozens of people, take estrogen to become a woman or somewhat like one and people want to know the best way to grill Zucchini. And that’s just how stuff works.

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