Blackhumouristpress's Blog

March 29, 2012

Delerium at 36,000 Feet

Filed under: humor,Short Story,Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 10:45 pm
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Terrance had been a pilot in Vietnam and then commercially for Eastern and Pan-Am and a slew of other airlines before they went under.  Terrance had a strong libido for a man in his sixties.  The Asian route was his favorite because he could hit the boat cruises with underage waifs where they would drink and tryout their broken English on him and then they’d consummate the meeting on a mattress somewhere behind curtains.

 

Marriage had been one of those things that just seemed wrong one day to Terrance upon watching an animal show late one night with a glass of Scotch in his hand.  The male animals disappeared for most of the year except when it became time to mate.  When it was time to mate, a new mate or any mate was acceptable.  The male species would clear it’s head and then take off to do what guys do when they’re together.  Terrance thought to himself while almost fully crocked that humans had it all wrong.  After watching the animal program, he woke his wife and told her that the most natural and correct thing for him to do was to spread his seed anywhere and everywhere and if she wanted to remain his wife, that would be alright.  It wasn’t alright and they soon parted.  Terrance couldn’t have been happier.  The thrill of falling in love for an evening is what Terrance loved most about life.  The variation and selection of different sizes and colors of the women.  Hi, my name is Terrance and I fly airplanes…  Can I buy you a drink?

 

                Out of the blue, Terrance developed high blood pressure.  Terrance’s parents had high blood pressure and it was a matter of time before he would also.  At the age of sixty two, Terrance began taking high blood pressure medication and then promptly stopped when he realized that it prevented him from gaining and maintaining an erection.  Before long, the high blood pressure killed off his kidneys to do their work.  Terrance had to begin dialysis which meant he would have to retire from work.  Alcohol and a mixture of several medications had a strange effect on Terrance.  He constantly felt as though he was forgetting something and found himself often sitting motionless or hunting for things that he did not even know what it was that he was looking for.  Sort of rummaging for the sake of rummaging in a sock drawer and then getting lost re-reading old love letters from women that he dated for a short period of time.  All those that worked with Terrance knew that the end of his working days were drawing near but nobody realized that something seemed to be off mentally until one sunny day.  When the clouds rolled in.

 

                “Whatever happened to wooden coffee stirs?  If I wanted a fucking plastic one, I would have dipped my pen in and just stirred the creamer with that.  Do you have any idea, Mr…  What’s your name?”

                “Thomas.  It’s Rich…”

                “Rich…  short for Richard.  I remember when men could call themselves Dick without batting an eye.  Things were happy and gay and it had nothing to do with wanting to corn hole another man.  Things have gotten so dirty and twisted over the years.  We can’t blame it all on Hippies and Nixon, can we?  I mean something happened somewhere that sent a message to men that it was okay to wear frayed jeans and have their goddamn gut sticking out.  Someone sent a message to you young guys that it is okay to dress like pigs and let yourself go.  One way or another, you’ll still get ass and you don’t need to look or act like a gentleman.  Just take a look at these people, Dick.  We are on a plane going to a major city in the United States.  Where did the glamour go in travel?  Women in smart pill box hats and a matching ensemble that hugged her ass just so, so that you had to use your imagination about what you might find under that knee length skirt.  A man in a suit, a man with a hat. Now it’s ball caps all over this goddamn plane.  Who the hell here is playing ball right now?  I don’t give a fuck if you want Ohio State to win some basketball tournament.  That is no reason to parade around like a school boy when you’re middle age…  Is any of this reaching you, Richard?  Wooden coffee stirs is just part of the issue here.  You want to save a tree so you make plastic coffee stirs just to release toxins into your coffee.  It isn’t enough that some sick cow is being jacked up with steroids and antibiotics so that it can produce enough milk, cheese and beef to feed the masses of people living in this goddamn land.  Is it any wonder women today have more facial hair than they used to and young men need something to support their tits?  How is that eight year girls have hips and boobs?  Not enough people are worried about what is really going on here.  You got a job to do and I don’t want to tie you up.  I will have my coffee after you find me a goddamn wooden coffee stir and then we will make it San Diego without incident.”

 

Rich hunted around and even asked passengers if by chance they might have purchased a coffee in the airport and happened to have a wooden coffee stir.  The announcement made passengers uneasy.  Richard’s effeminate voice quavered and cracked as he spoke due more to the fact that he was getting over a cold.  People began to wonder what kind of a strange question was that to ask.  A large hum rose in the plane.  Terrance told his co-pilot to take over as he opened the cockpit door and stormed towards the passengers like an angry parent.

                “I don’t know what is going on here but I can tell you that if anyone has any strange notions about overtaking this plane for any sort of reason or belief, I can tell you that you will meet your maker sooner than later.  I’ve been closer to death than this on a random Tuesday so I will tell you calmly now to pipe down and sleep, read a magazine or re-read your text messages and don’t make things hard for yourself or Dick here.  His job is to make your trip as facile as possible…  Do we have an understanding, people?”

                Terrance suddenly felt flush and he could feel his pulse in his eyes.  He plopped himself back down in his chair, looked at his co-pilot and calmly told him that they needed to go back.  The co-pilot asked Terrance to elaborate on where they were going back to and for what.

                “Joe, you never served.  Your generation only served themselves.  If I say we have to go back, it is because it is the right thing to do between one human being and another.  You wouldn’t want to be left in the lurch would you, Joe?  You probably threw a fit when your mother wasn’t waiting in the minivan for you when soccer practice was over.  You cannot appreciate waiting.  Try to step outside yourself for a second, Joe and you’ll understand where I’m coming from…”

                Terrance grabbed  the microphone, flipped the  switches and made an announcement to all the passengers.  Terrance sounded sane and scripted accept for what it was that was coming out of his mouth.

                “Attention, this is the captain speaking.  We are cruising at an altitude of 36,000 feet and have a strong enough tail wind to get us to Saigon early.  Sit back and relax and we should be arriving in Vietnam ahead of schedule.  I have taken off the fasten seat belt sign.  Be sure to keep your belt on incase of any unexpected turbulence while seated.”

                There were several doctors that evaluated Terrance including psychiatrists and the FBI.  Everyone came to the same conclusion that the perfect storm occurred within Terrance’s body to create a delirium capable of making the frightening situation what it was for passengers and the crew: High blood pressure medication, Scotch and Viagra.

November 16, 2009

Viagra 73% Off

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 6:38 am
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Now Steven was worried about pleasing his younger wife. She had told him matter of fact like one night that she loved to have sex for hours, several times a night. Steven had gone to the junk box on his computer and opened up the spam that advertised Viagra for 73% below the market value. Steven loved a deal and so he purchased the drug on line from a distributor in a small town in Alberta up in the plains section of Canada. This distributor was able to get the drug from the Canadian Government for next to nothing. He worked in a hospital where they dispensed drugs. The government paid him a meager $25,000.00 a year salary. By borrowing the drug, he could make over four times that amount. This particular man had bank accounts set up in Barbados under his children’s names. He withdrew all his money one day from the Royal Bank of Canada when the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, nabbed drug dealers in British Columbia. The drug dealers were caught with millions in Scotia Bank accounts. One night while eating dinner with his family and watching the national news on CBC, this particular Viagra dealer got to his RBC and wired the money to Barbados. He had always wanted to go to Barbados, now he had a good reason. His money was there.
To be fair, we shall not name for fear that the RCMP might pick him up in Alberta. He posted the sale of Viagra on the web at a savings of 73%. Steven was not aware that he was only saving about 20% and so he bought the little blue pills on line. He initially took just a half a pill as was suggested and found that his member hung to the left as if it were asleep. Steven took the rest of the pill. It was within an hour that he broke out into body sweats and felt a surge of heat run through his body. Steven could feel his heart beating in his eyes. The veins on his neck bulged and he got an erection that was so hard that it hurt him. It throbbed so. Steven’s younger wife had no idea. What she believed was that Steven was inspired by her. Steven was good for two or three rounds. His biggest fear was that he might get a heart attack or a stroke from the drug.
Cynthia tried so hard to appear as though she was really in love with her husband. What she was really in love with were all his assets. By law, she was half owner in all that he owned. Within ten years, Cynthia would be as they say, fucking him to the tune of five million dollars, a house, a condo, two cars and monthly maintenance.
Cynthia’s people had hit the proverbial jack pot some years back. It was determined that Cynthia’s mother was part of the Luiseno Indian tribe. One day her mother received a letter from the chief of the Luiseno Indians that she would be getting $200,000.00 a year for being one of a select few that were really and truly from the Luiseno Tribe. It was great while it lasted.
The Luisenos arrived from Asia over 2,500 year ago and settled just south of Palm Springs. They were hunters and gatherers. The Spanish and small pox did them in. Today there are about 40 native speakers of the language left. Cynthia’s mother got money until the day she died. Cynthia had her mother in a nursing home in Hemet, California for years while she collected the money. Upon her mother’s death, it was determined by the tribe leader that Cynthia could no longer receive the money on her mother’s behalf since she had been adopted. Cynthia had no idea that she had been adopted until her mother’s death. A private detective hired by the tribe was conclusively able to prove that Cynthia was born of Scottish and Swedish extraction and was there by not a Luiseno. The well had run dry.
Now Cynthia’s mother had been told as a child, that their grandfather had been a full blooded Luiseno Indian that had moved near Los Angeles and married a white woman. Their children married other whites until the Indian look was white washed away. Due to the fact that Cynthia’s mother was of direct Luiseno lineage, she was entitled to a share of the profits that came in from the food mart, RV resort and the Pechanga Resort and Casino. It is a four diamond resort with 522 rooms and suites designed in a style hailing back to Frank Lloyd Wright. Mr. Wright was from Illinois but was no Indian. Golf, gambling, boxing, swimming and even comedy can be found on the grounds of the Pechanga Resort and Casino. Cynthia’s mother received a cut of the proceeds for having Luiseno blood. Upon the death of her mother, Cynthia needed to find a way to retain the style of life that she had grown accustomed to. Into her life entered Steven Swartz. Cynthia help founded a new tribe. No casino but plenty of proceeds and benefits

November 9, 2009

Pills

Filed under: Uncategorized — blackhumouristpress @ 8:33 am
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“Folks gather round to hear what I’ve got to say. Come see what I have here today. Are you lonely, scared or tired? Are you frustrated, bound up and wired? Does life lack that zing? Well then I got just the thing… You say you want to be more attractive, well loved and more active? In this here little pill is everything you’ll need to fulfill a fruitful life. You’ll be able to work happy and satisfy the wife. Never tire, never worry, never panic and never hurry never prune up and wrinkle and yet retain that youthful glow… Pop one pill and watch yourself grow. Grow when you’re not moved, enticed or aroused, amorous, romantic and how? How you ask is it possible to stimulate the blood, motivate the mind, open up your pores and bring sight to the blind? It’s easier to try then for me to say, I offer you a sample for you to try today.”
“You say you’re too fat, too skinny, too tall or too mini. Your boring, breath smells and your feet are itchy, you’re too poor, too stressed and the missus is bitchie. Your muscles small, stomach flabby, teeth crooked and the kids are crabby. Slow mind, slow witted, complexion ruddy, puss filled and pitted. You lack zest, vitality and spunk, watched your waist grow as your pants shrunk. Graying falling, thinning hair grows on your ass, your back and in your ears. Your eyes have trouble seeing, your mind has trouble with memory, its difficult peeing and this is why you’ve sent for me. To be happy, to be glad, to be strong and not sad. To be faster, to be wise, to look fit and eat fries, to learn a language without trying, to act concerned without crying. Stop the aging, lines and sagging, warts and moles and things you’re lacking. You say you hear voices in your head yet nobody hears what is said. You desire little boys and little girls or German men with blond curls. Preoccupied with filth and smut and prone to stick little articles in your butt. A need for women’s undergarments made of lace and desire to spew on someone else’s face. Find it runs counter to the 23rd Psalm, a sweaty crack, arm pits and palm. Find you manufacture zits, ear wax and snots, smelly privates and bloody clots. You fear a change of pace, afraid to move and breathe and taste. You eat poorly, wheeze and feel pain a little jealousy and disdain. You lack the vision, verve and drive and are coming apart inside. One little pill can change your life.”
“For most this product works and I say for most this product is successful. If you feel dizzy, clumsy or drowsy, light headed trembling or weak. If your urine turns dark yellow, hard to breathe, swallow, concentrate or think or haven’t slept in a week… You may want to stop taking… If you find yourself waking, if you get a rash, itchy or act brash. Personality disorientation, mood swings or constipation, fainting, falling or hallucinations, a painful erection, red complexion, restlessness or irritation. Tightness in the chest, sensitive teeth, eyes or breasts. Ringing in your ears, runny nose or constant tears. Please don’t drive around in cars, smoke, snort, inject and visit bars. For any signs of adversity, complexity or deformity, lack of interest, sleep or conformity please consult a doctor of psychiatry before convalescing, resting or infirmary… Now here’s what you need to order

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